I have to learn to fly. Get out of this mental and physical paralysis. Ditch the emotional anchor.
It is a really scary thought for some reason, but i am going to challenge myself. I started this morning by booking our family trip- me and the kids. The. Have to look at the copy if the divorce order xh sent in with d13 so he can reduce taxes on the other house. He could have had HWW fill this out, but I believe it is a loud and clear message where he sees his future.
I agree w/Bea...you are going to be not only fine...but fabulous. I'm glad you are putting plans in place for some vacations. You and your kids need this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your ex has been like a weight or anchor tying you down and holding you back. Let him live in his mess and cut yourself free. Life can and will be so much better.
Glad you have a holiday to look forward too!! You deserve it!!
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
But, here I go again. This nighttime pit fall. Having him next door is killing me. That's what's doing it. I mean, now... it's like... just too much.
After not being there much all week, now he is spending all his time there. Right after work yesterday and didn't come home and right after work today. And you know he's not going back to bil. So... that means he will be there all weekend.
And his actions are really like... I don't know... childish, and like- in your face, Mighty! You don't want to answer my texts and attend my plant funeral... well- I will show you!
And... It was the day after V-Day, last year that we went to Puerto Rico on our family trip. V-day was awkward, as he dropped off stuff for the kids and wouldn't even look at me. We left at like 4 am the next morning, but he wouldn't stay here, even though he was living like 30 min out of town and out of the way. Now I know she wasn't pleased about it and the reason for the monster about the trip.
Not trying to bring it back up, but I just can't believe that I am in the same position a year later. Only now... he has a family there.
Damn it. It so friggin upsetting to think of it like he has another family. When the reality is he knocked up someone during an affair while he was married. It was not planned, by him, anyways.
OK, see... here I go. Two steps forward, one step back. Why are the in my head? I don't know! I really think him being next door is making me suffer. I just can't seem to make that part stop.
So. What can I do differently? Alright. Here is one thing: I am not going to feel pathetic in my own house! I mean, I don't have much going on, and that bothers me. But, I need to own it. I am going to get into my jammies and watch a movie by the fire. And, normally I would feel really insecure about that. Like, if he saw me he would think I am just a lonely loser. Well... MAYBE I AM, DANG IT! And, I don't want to feel bad about. If that's what I want to do- fine.
OK, he is with a mock family. I know he really won't be happy there, right? He can say what he wants now, but he let me into a little more than that of what goes on there. Sure, the baby think is cool now, but some things haven't changed.
And I just need to be OK with it. As much as I seem to cycle, I do know that I get just a little stronger every time I come out of it. And, I seem to let some things go a little bit at a time. I am sure it does not seem like it, but I am pretty sure that it's happening.
See... i feel a little better already.
I'm just not sure how things in my life are going to change, exactly. I know it's up to me to do, but I just don't know what to do. Or what I want. Nothing right now. Is that normal to just want nothing. Or to snap my fingers and have things in place. That would be way cool. Where is Mary Poppins when you need her?
I guess I know this. Xh knows what he is doing is hurtful. Yet, he does not care. He referred to himself as being an "animal" the past year. He was so ashamed of that. He kept saying, "I was an animal." Well, does he think differently of himself now? Can he justify his actions? She can have an animal. I don't want one. I have a dog, and she's a lot of work. And, as d13 said a few months ago, "Mom, you need a real man." See... I need a man, not an animal.
Mighty, You are the only one that can control your thoughts. Do you have a curtain, shade or blinds up at the windows that face your former bill's place? If you do, shut them before he arrives home from work and don't look over there. Yes, he was your husband, but that all changed w/the divorce decree. Yes, he is the father of your children, but the dynamics have changed w/the visitation, etc. since the divorce. You've got to work up some anger to help you get thru this "withdrawal" that you are going through. He's like an addiction to you and you just have to look over to see if he's there. Like any addiction, you have to work at getting clean and that means letting him go completely.
Until you stop looking over at the other house, you aren't going to let it go. Close the darn curtains or put a piece of furniture over in that area that will cause you to stumble so that you won't be tempted to look over there.
Have you ever given it any thought that maybe he's living over there to get under your skin? Maybe his being MIA is to push your buttons to get a reaction out of you? The reason I mention these things is because he's co-owner of the house that the ow and baby are living in...he could very well go there and live, i.e., even if he stayed in the guest room.
Whatever you do, do not contact him or question him about what he's doing because I think he's trying to get your attention and reactions.
Try to think of him as the sob neighbor who allows his dog to do his business on your flowers or at your front door.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ha! Job, that made me laugh, and the sob neighbor, he is!
I know, you are right about the withdrawal and addiction. It's really getting to me. And I realize, quite clearly now, that's what is causing me so much damage.
I think he will go back to hww's soon (moving). I'm pretty sure. It's only been of late that he has begun staying there. I guess he is seeing how it will play out with the kids. But, like he said, "I don't know what I'm doing."
And, I do think right now, he is trying to get under my skin. For sure. And, I wonder if he's staying there to check on me. I hadn't really thought that... but, now that you mention it. When he did come back around, it was when I was really starting to move on. And he did mention to me that he thought I was seeing someone, or had been. (But I honestly doubt he is keeping a concerned eye) I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I do think he is seriously lost and confused- he even says to. And, he is going to the only place which will allow his crap.
So, there's a combo-could be could be a little of each, could be one, could be none... who knows.
But, I'm just up and down with it. I think tomorrow I am going to go to my parents. I may stay the night. My brother invited us to do something. I love my brother to death. We are close, but honestly, his wife is so overbearing. She has a very dominant personality, and these days she [censored] the life out of me. I just don't have the energy for her. Usually, I just tell her to stfu and she does, but I just cant even deal with it. It's not fun.
Whew... got that off my chest.
Thanks, job. I think now, realizing the toll it is taking on me having him next door, I can do things to address it.
Oh, and yeah, I'm staying mum about the whole thing. I'm not saying a word or giving any indication that any of it bothers me.
My plan is this: Ignore any shenanigans, which includes texts or contact that don't require a response. Necessary responses I will just stick to business. When I see him, like at games, I will just say hi and carry on about my business... far away.
And, if for some reason... If I have to communicate with him... I will remain in control and stfu. I don't want him to think he owns any space in my head.
