OM has recently dumped W to try to rebuild with his partner. W is devasted, but has started testing the water with me to see how I feel about our M. Clearly at the moment I would be second choice, fall back option, which is no good basis for a M.
I have been doing LRT since W revealed the affair. Obviously that wasn't what caused OM to dump W, but it does seem to have given me some form of respect from W.
My question is, at what point would it be appropriate to move on from LRT? She is still in communication with OM, so should LRT continue until comms with OM are finished?
Can you provide more info? Look at the info.in my signature...can you give us similar info? Length of marriage. ..children's ages..when did the problems start etc
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Hi Tictoc. It's important to understand that the A ending and wanting to recommit to the M are different things. Sometimes they happen together, sometimes not. I think you should continue with LRT until/unless you see a 'planet' as per RDs thread. You may be seeing one or two stars here, and that's good - but it's a planet you need....
Glad for you that the A is over though.....although there may be a few twists and turns yet if they are still in contact...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You have a position of more strength now and using it gently and lovingly is likely to work well for you want to.
What would it be like for you to tell her you could understand one more contact with the other man for closure, but you expect transparency and want her to have no more contact with the OM, so you both have a chance.
She's going to grieve him. Don't think of yourself as second, think of it as an opportunity to remind her you are number one. She is losing something she needed. Figure out what it is and give it to her.
Start getting to know each other.
This is a great time to get the experts involved if you can. You may be able to get. a referral from Michele's office from a counselor or clergyman who believes in marriage and would put your marriage first in helping you rebuild. You may even want to take advantage of DB coaching specials. (not trying to sell anything, I know they have been trained of this).
You might want to read some great books, some other posters have mentioned like the 5 love languages or my favorite His Needs/Her Needs.
May you be so successful and remember you are truly number one and the worthy man.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Tic Tac, we have very little information about you stitch. If the contact has really ended between your W and OM, then she will no doubt go through a period comparable to an addict's withdrawal. It will be a difficult time for her, and IMO, it will not be a time for you to get too relaxed from the LRT.
Her emotions will continue to swing until she accepts the fact OM is through with her. Then she will be very depressed. A trying time for you, certainly. One thing I suggest that is very important is to not listen to her discuss her feelings for OM. To discuss it with her H seems very disrespectful, IMO, and would not help the M.
You must show her your own stability. Do not allow her depression to pull you down with her. Don't get all soft and melty man trying to console her. You need to think of yourself as the one who sets the tone in the atmosphere at home, and not your W. You can show an upbeat personality (don't over kill). Be careful that you don't act giddy or as if you think everything is honky-dory since the OM is out of the picture. Does that make sense? Your attitude or thought pattern should be "this too shall pass" and don't get overwhelmed by her depression. Don't even try to fix it for her, or get her out of it. She has to go through the withdrawal. There will be times she may need to be alone, so you and the kids enjoy each other and leave her be.
At all times, you are in charge.......not the addict. That does not mean you control her! It means she does not get to disrespect, throw fits, scream & yell, or cry on your shoulder about OM. She does not get to see you as blue as she is. This is not the time to have in depth R talks, even though she may want to.....or you may want to. She needs encouraging by seeing your inner strength, take charge abilities, calmness, stability, leadership, and honor. Show her, through your behavior, " I am going to have a better life and hope you will join me......but if not, I am still going to have a better life". She needs to see that kind of confidence in you.
The change from LRT over to a a position to reconcile should be slowly. B/c she is not convinced that a M with you is what she wants. She has to get through her "stuff" and you have to give her time. It is major that you do not smother her with your presence. You need to continue GAL.
Be patient and understanding, but don't cater to her. That will come later on. Ease into the next level by being lovingly firm. Not a jerk, not demanding, and certainly not passive. Like I said, we don't have much information about your marital history.
Some men think they need to pet their W, and assure her by constantly telling her what he wants and how he feels. This is not the time, yet. The only exception would be "if" you were in a C session and you were asked by the C to say how you felt. But to do it now, hoping it will help her get better quicker, is not the time......IMHO. Once she expresses remorse, and wants your forgiveness, then you will be able to express your desires more.
The hardest part for me was trying to get the desire to put forth some effort. I mean, when you are really depressed......it's just not there. And don't expect her to want to be affectionate or ready to ML. She might, IDK, but if she's not.....don't push or take it personal.
Oh btw, do your share of the chores around the house, but don't make the mistake of doing EVERYTHING. It kind of depends on how her depression affects her energy level.
Have the two of you agreed on a transparency plan?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
