I am just so grateful and feel so genuinely honored to know you people, to have you by my side through this and to walk with you through your journeys, be they fast or slow (old dog, be kind to yourself).
I'm quite good emotionally. Feeling buoyant, strong and lit from within. It's gorgeous here today (sorry for those of you shoveling yet another 3 feet of snow), my toes are out, rosé is being chilled and I'm going away for the weekend. No moping around alone on Valentine's Day for me. I'm reclaiming it! I'm my own valentine!!
Since I won't be here to kiss D7 on V-Day I have made a care package o'love to give her tomorrow. A sweet card, conversation hearts, a heart-filled lunch, a miniature rose plant for her room. Small but full of mommy-love.
She also has her HUGE karate belt test on Saturday. A 4+ hour test where she has to show her karate skills (which is no problem) and her discipline skills (which is quite a problem). I just really hope it goes well for her.
At night before bed, to help her settle, calm and get out of her fast-moving head, we meditate together. I let her hold my meditation rock as something to focus on. The weight, the smoothness, the temperature... It helps center her. Well, I found her a miniature version of my rock. It's identical just smaller and I put it in a silk pouch and I'm going to give it to her before her belt test, to help her center herself and focus. I hope it means as much to her as it does to me to give it to her.
Anyway, thank you guys. I really need you in my corner and it's nice to be able to rely on you.
D7 did really well on her belt test, had a lovely valentines day and is behaving really well lately (knock-on-wood).
In the interest of keeping me mentally fresh I have booked my first yoga retreat for March. I'm super excited. Then in April I have that "photography convention" which is really just a large get together with 15 of my favorite female photographer friends... This once a month, inexpensive get-away thing is helping me a lot!!
While hanging with my friends this weekend, my friend's husband (an attorney and once divorced) asked if I felt the world was pretty much at my fingertips. It was such a good and thoughtful question but it scared me just a little. I do occasionally have that feeling but I'm not all the way there yet. I told him that and he said, "I know, but I can see that you will be. You really will be."
Anyone ever get exhausted by the work and being the bigger person? Blah.
Busy week ahead and I'm not at my best, especially with D7. I sometimes wonder if I'm properly equipped to raise her. Somedays I feel like I hit it out of the park with her, other days I feel like I'm just barely hanging on and still other days, days like today, I'm pretty sure I'm setting her up for a lifetime of intensive therapy, failed relationships and exceedingly high expectations.
::sigh::
Plus it's rainy today and while I like a little rain, it's making me want to just go back to bed.
So, I know I've not been around much. I'm reading threads but feel unqualified to provide advice. I feel like my head is in a good place but I have no idea how to hold onto it and I feel like it's very fleeting.
I got a text earlier this week from stbx about "the talk". It's scheduled for this Friday. I told him today that I didn't want to have this chat in the house just because I feel like I have enough memories of conflict in the house. He said he understood but hoped there would be no conflict. I agreed but I also know that the magnitude of what we'll talk about is bound to bring disagreement.
I feel mostly prepared. I'm not afraid to walk out. I'm not afraid to say what I want. I will not lash out and treat him the way he has treated me in the past. I refuse to stoop to that level of gracelessness. Deep down I want him to know how much he's hurt me but I am also very aware that at this point, it just doesn't matter. I feel little resentment because I just want to look forward.
I hope that doesn't mean I'm not dealing with something in the past, not facing something important.
Strangely, this bigger issue right now isn't our impending divorce, it's D7s behavior and testing. Stbx and I are doing a great job of being flexible with schedules regarding visitation, etc., communicating about her troubles and tactics to work through them with her, making time for her to see the other parent if she or the parent needs a hig, to tell a story, etc.
I see that as real success and I'm hoping that's an indication of his diminished resentment, increased reliability, and HOPEFULLY sane thinking as we move forward toward divorce.
