I've lurked for so long I feel like I know some of you. Now it's time to come for help and maybe offer some to others, though I may not have any good advice. I have smiled and cried with a lot of you along the way.
My saga starts a year ago, I'll try to keep it short. Me BS 35, H WS 36 we have a 5 yo D, M 8.5 years together 14. June 02 things seem to get weird. H admits to having feelings for OW43 who is a coworker going through a D. H stays with friends for 2 weeks. Comes home at the end of June to work things out. July 31st H says can't work. I ask for his ring. Next day he confesses feelings to OW who immediatetly falls in love with him and wants to mother my child. She's afraid I will hate her and we'll have to deal with each other in the future. I move to my parents. I move home again in early August since these are his consequences not mine. H stays out late. I leave again since I'm making myself sick.
H wants MC to find closure. We have some joint sessions and a few IC. MC says I should move home for D. I do. H comes and goes to OW place while my D and I watch. We are civil. I see attorney to find out about CS. H never complains about financial support. I find lots of great stuff H is doing, pictures, notes, song lyrics he wrote. Pain is unbelievable. I tell him I'm not selling house he can stay as long as he wants. He decides to get apartment. I pack his things for him. He leaves end of Sept. Moves 45 min away. Sees D every other weekend. Never calls her. I've tried begging, pleading, I'm making myself miserable. I hear so much hurtful stuff not sure I can recover. I never explain what's happening to D, she just thinks H wants to live in an apartment.
H starts bringing food to the house when picking up and dropping off D. Starts to hang out, says it's to make it easier on D. I say please don't too hard for me. He still does. I got to MC and IC while I'm living alone. Trying to let go of H in my heart. Almost succeed. At the end of the year I get myself together, finally ready to find happiness. Ready to explore EAs that have been discussed with male friends though I still have a lot of guilt. Stuff at home starts breaking, car stuff, I have fixed. I decide time to sell house and move to parents to lick my wounds. I buy new car. Let H know we can sell house together, figure out split later. I'd already told him he would have to file and I won't agree to voluntary separation since D has to know I tried everything I could to hold her family together.
1/17/03 - contracts signed, house goes on market Feb 1st, H says he's thinking about working things out. WHAT! Damn him. Let me pick myself up and then you dump on me again. I agree to try because I should. He says already broke up with OW but still has some dates already planned. They are taking dancing lessons probably for the wedding reception. H agrees to wear ring.
House sells quickly. H wants to know if we'll move to his apt. Admits that will keep him away from OW. I watch my grandmother die. Life feels short. House feels lonely. I move in to H's apt for the companionship. Maybe a bad move.
H wants to buy a new house right away. I am objecting mildly (wait shouldn't we figure stuff out?) but go along with plan. We buy beautiful house, move in end of April. H, OW and I work for same agency. I transfer to H/OW's duty location in May since commute will be better from new house. Give up working in an office with people I really like.
5/7 - my first day on new job, OW birthday, bad day for everyone. H buys her a ring while shopping for my birthday 5/9 which he makes very special. H tells me about ring, I am crushed but understanding.
Things are okay between us. We work on house, take care of D. Do regular everyday stuff together. No affection. I do not pursue, very few R talks, no ILY, but his depression is wearing me down. Two weeks ago he admits he's depressed, says he'll be out of it soon, thanks me for putting up with him. I have meltdown 2 days ago and can't find light at the end of the sitch anymore. Come to the conclusion I don't have anything to lose but stuff and money and I don't care about that. I lay everything out in series of e-mails for H. Nicely, calmly, but I've been sitting too long on the being unhappy stuff so once I start I can't stop. Let him know I still love him, hadn't in at least 6 months. Let him know I don't know how long I can hold on waiting to feel a connection to him. His depression is wearing me down, etc. I feel better. Scared but better. Today I am letting go of the bad and determined to concentrate on myself.
Today, I let H know I'm taking off crisis management hat and the struggling to figure out how to fix it toolbelt. H thinks I need to chill out.
I am tired. I have been understanding. I am trying to be patient. I'm missing lots of stuff in here - some good, some so painful I can't relive it. H doesn't seem remorseful. Has even said he didn't want to break up with OW. I say then why did you? H won't get new job and OW office is next door. H agreed to get would get rid of her stuff at the house, sanitize cell phone/e-mail but 4 months have passed and he's done nothing. H still has lunch with her daily with a group of coworkers. Says he wants to be her friend. In the end it's just stuff. I can't/don't want to tell him what to do so I suck it up. Feels like he doesn't care about my feelings, only hers. He feels guilty because of what he did to her. Whatever!
I am not pressuring for affection or SF, but a couple advances I made early on were brushed off. I told H I forgive him, hoped he could forgive me. Recognize my contribution to the problem. We grew apart. H needed to feel appreciated, and I just nagged because I wanted to feel loved. Vicious circle of reacting to each other's crummy behavior. Since this started I've lost 70 lbs, have 25 to go. The not eating, sleeping and smoking 3 packs a day helped in the beginning, but most of the loss was planned. I had been overweight since I met H. Now I'm almost normal. Offers of friendship from other boys are hard to decline, but I am determined not to have an A myself, but the lack of affection is making me feel like some kind of experiment.
I am lonely but can go on. I need help to find the light again for my M. H won't go to MC again, and now we couldn't afford it anyway cause our mortgage is so huge. Sorry for the novella. I should learn to let things out in drips and not floods. My PMA for me is good today. Just don't know what to think about M.
By the way I've read DB/DR. Mostly acting as if everything's fine is what seems to make H the most comfortable. I've looked at myself and changed what I didn't like about me for me. Will H ever really make it back to me? Will H ever appreciate how amazing it is that we have a second chance or something that smells like one anyway? Will he ever recognize OW as the fantasy and wake up one day and say holy cow how did I overlook that great chic who's making me breakfast cause amazingly she still loves me? Will he ever ask himself how he could have hurt me so badly without seeming to care?
what a saga you've got going... you sound to be doing very well despite the sit...I understand the not wanting to wait and see what happens... the questions you ask are unanswerable...time will tell is all I can tell you.
hang in there..it is after all for the longhaul..how you treat yourself through that haul is up to you.
It sounds like you've been through a longhaul, and I'm sure it hasn't been easy. I commend you on your heart, and your committment. Hang on to hope, and your belief in what you're doing, because it is worthwhile, even when we don't always know the answers, or the road is rough. So much of what we value in life are things we must fight for, or grow through, to be able to truly enjoy them. Love being the best example. As it's written, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Don't give up. Hang in there, and take care of yourself, as well as work on yourself, which it sounds like you're doing. DoRight
Thanks LL and DoRight for stopping by. LL I've kept up with your story and know exactly how you feel when you say how easy it would be to become a WAW, and how hard it would be to resist an EA of some kind or at least an inappropriate friendship. But resistance isn't futile, at least I hope not. Ask me tomorrow though and I may be willing to hug the mailman. DoRight part of your message was part of our wedding vows which brought me tears.
I read my first post and thought wow it wasn't that bad. I stripped down the details and it even looks bleaker than real life, but that's the gist of what happened. Boy at sometimes it sure felt bad.
I do feel lucky in some ways. My H never lied. Told me lots of things I didn't want to hear though. H told me he was having feelings before he confessed to OW. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't fly off the handle, ask him for his ring, pack up/move out, and pressure the heck out of him would it have turned out the way it did. Another question with no answer.
After rereading it sounded like I was giving up. I'm not, just need to figure out how not to get dragged down. I'm lucky. My H came back after a 3.5 month separation. We talk and are nice to each other. We take care of household things together. Commute to work together. It is better than the beginning.
The conversations have gone from no hope, IDNLY and never did, to H saying all things pass in time hopefully this will too, someday I hope things will come more naturally between us. H admitted he's depressed, thanked me for putting up with him. On the days these things happened I thought it was HUGE. They are at least baby steps. Right? I need to know it's not wishful thinking.
The lonliness gets overwhelming sometimes. My brain freaks me out sometimes. H tells me where he's going so I know he's not sneaking out with OW, but he works next to her everyday. No contact is not an option. H balks when I say I need her out of my life. H doesn't seem to understand how I feel when he drops me at the office door and I feel like I turn him over to OW for the day. How I know some of her stuff is in our house, hanging in my closet. TM are still on his cell phone, OWs numbers are still programmed, who knows what's on the computer, he still has photo in his briefcase. These things I can't control.
H says he's trying his best. I think he's thinking about it and I told him that. I don't need guilt from him. But since he feels guilty about OW I wonder why not feel guilty about me or D.
Maybe he's in MLC. In the beginning he seemed to question everything about his life. What is happiness etc. I was the only thing he could undo. Or maybe it's true he never did love me. More questions with no answers.
I'll stop by your threads and see what's going on. I felt weird about posting but it feels good. Maybe I need to come up with 3 good things a day like LL and SAM.
Thanks for the warm welcome. H is probably right I need to chill out.
I can hardly believe the details of their EA/PA don't haunt my every waking thought. They still come but only when I push on the bruise to see if it still hurts. I asked enough questions, but decided I didn't need every detail.
Hi longhaul. Man, what a story. I'm so very sorry.
Quote: H is probably right I need to chill out.
Frankly, your H needs to get a clue...but that's neither here nor there right now. Sounds like you've held up remarkably well, but sound tired... Like LL said, there's really nothing you can do about your H right now. Seems he's still in the throes of his post-A.
So that leads me to ask about what you're doing for yourself, longhaul... Have you started anything just for yourself, something to relieve you of all of this junk just temporarily? Have you set any goals for yourself in this regard? All of us have something--LL is in EMT training, I've been taking Yoga, Sage goes to school, Floyd has begun a workout regimine (and is getting painting pointers from LL). Ha...it's funny...it's like we're all part of a querky family.
Reading DoRight's and your thread tonight has given me some sorely needed inspiration of late. Thanks you for sharing your story. What you are dealing with has to be one of the toughest and I have to admire your sense of commitment to M to see your way past the present situation.
Keep up the good work. It sounds like a lot of things are going well for you. You'd had asked eariler, will he ever realize the amazing second chance we have here. I don't know the answer to that. I hope he will. Thing is, you realize it. Love is patient, so be patient, take those baby steps, and remember, too, the love of a good woman is an amazing thing in a person's life. As someone on this bb suggested to me, take it slowly, slowleee...Your husband is able to receive from you a great gift, you and your love, and that is a great gift to give someone. I know the lonliness is tough at times, but it sounds like there are a lot of positives going on in your life. Build upon those. Keep up the great work. We're all rooting for you! DoRight
Jethro, KAW and DoRight thanks for stopping by I'll visit you guys tonight.
What am I doing for myself? Well I've made lists of things I plan to do. I need to have more FUN for starters. I restarted the Atkins diet, am quiting smoking, and trying to kick start my erradict exercise routine. We are in the process of painting our new house. But that's not enough.
I need to do things I want to do. H can come along if he wants but if not I'll go or plan something with my D. I want to go camping, kyacking, and fishing with my Dad. I don't want to miss out on anymore life. Just need to get off my butt and make it happen. I've had so many changes that it's felt good to hold still a little, but no more excuses. My good thing for today is that I don't have any bad thing for today. Sort of positive I guess.
Last night H, my Mom and I watched The Piano. Naked Harvey Kitel and Holly Hunter rolling around brought me visions of H and OW. Hurt a little, okay hurt a lot. No use lying to you guys about it. Thinking about them together hurts ALOT and reminding me of what's missing hurts too. Not just the SF part, but the good affection stuff that's even better. Sure hope it's like riding a bike, I'm embarrased to say it's been a year. Why do I keep pushing on a bruise I know still hurts?
Jethro you're right I don't think H has a clue, and sometimes I fear he never will. He is the sensitive type though believe it or not. Our MC wanted to know if he had suicide in his family cause MC feared this would all hit him someday.
I often think my H thinks that no matter what I will always be here. That I will always be an option no matter what he does. That makes him sound arrogant but he's not. It would be hard for me to tell you about him.
KAW I'm glad my story did something good. It's so hard when you're close to the situation to see the good sometimes.
DoRight you speak so kindly I hope your wife can see that someday.
I know this takes as long as it takes, which is always longer than you think. When does the 2 year recovery clock start ticking anyway? I know I need to be patient but I'm feeling like a brat. Sometimes this path sucks.
My kingdom for a good trail map or knowledgeable Sherpa. That's right I found that. Can't tell you guys how good it feels not to be alone.
Hey, I'm glad to hear your chin is up. It's sad that we don't value our spouses as we should. So often, we do take them for granted, thinking that no matter what we do, they'll still be there. It is one thing to honor our spouse, it also another to respect them. But we also must be able to respect ourselves, too, and communicate that. If only more of us could look at our spouse in the same way God looks at them. I'm so excited for you! Wow! You are getting off the duff and making things happen! That's great! Nothing like massive action, and you, my friend, are doing it! Get the mometum, and keep it up! And hey, it's alright to hurt. It's alright to push at your bruise. We're human. Emotions hit us. Things that send us flying off with thoughts and stuff gang up on us, and if we don't realize the hurt, we can never truly appreciate the joy of healing. Why do we push on our bruises? Because they're there. They remind us that we are human, and we do hurt, and yes, THAT WE DO HEAL! I hope all your bruises heal, and I hope the eyes of understanding open for your husband, so that he can see you as the gift you are to him. Have a great weekend! Do Right
I fell into the category of someone who took their spouse for granted. Thought I could just dump any of my frustrations out on him and he'd always be there. Thought that there was never anything you couldn't explain away. That's so not true. They should issue Michelle's book to newly married couples so they don't have to learn the hard way.
What I wouldn't do to go back to the times before and tell my H all the things I felt about him that I thought were obvious. What I wouldn't do to go back in time and explain the miscommunications. What I wouldn't give just to feel totally comfortable with him, even for a short time.
This weekend my D stayed with my parents. I hoped that would mean that H and I could do something together. When I suggested the drive-in, he said maybe a movie. When I said maybe the early show, he said maybe we could paint. We did neither. H mowed the lawn while I made dinner then we went to Home Depot. On Saturday we ran errands. It was nice to be with him at least. My parents brought D back and stayed for dinner. It was comfortable. Sometimes I think I feel uncomfortable because I usually tell my parents everything.
They shared too much of my misery and still love my H, have never said a bad thing about him. Wanted to help him, but didn't know how to reach out. I think I feel uncomfortable when we're all together right now because there's this nagging what to do if things don't work out feeling. I don't think my parents could handle anymore. There really isn't anyone I can tell about this but the bb.
I guess H isn't ready to have some fun with me. I just need to go on my own then and make sure I fill my life with things I enjoy. Spending time with H I enjoy, even when it's just hanging out or running errands. Right now it just feels like I'm always looking for something to let me know if things will work out or not.
