this woman is not someone who just happend to walk into h's life at a bad time..this woman has been around for years!! the poster she made for him...was made when she first bought her house (8 years ago) she wrote him letters before we married....so then I ask...wtf did he ask me to marry him??? why??? if he had this woman who he had "it" with...this woman who he "connected" with, while supposedly he never had that with me..then he wasn't married..so what she was married already then...but obviously didn't stop her from persuing him...if he was ready to leave after having gotten married and having two children then why the hell didn't he just let me go before hand??? why did he even marry me in the first place...
can't piece back something that never was..our marriage has been lacking all along...honestly most nights of our honey moon I was bored...it has been too long since we've actually had any "connection" the last c session we had..h mentioned a connection growing I sure as hell don't feel it..what I feel is that I'm being suffocated and accepting that I don't have a h...I have a man who wakes and goes to work and then comes home, complains about his day drinks a beer or two and then goes to sleep.
I'm tired.
I'm keeping myself busy..but will soon be out of rooms to paint....
I'll be starting school soon and that will keep me busy but there is danger in that...danger in being around people...danger in feeling connected and alive...danger in having my own live and enjoying it..a danger that h is aware of and doesn't seem to mind...a danger that h doesn't fear because in his mind happy or not I will never go anywhere...little does h know.
h knows what I need and want...I know what h wants and I've given and given and given....get tired of giving with little return..h himself will admit to not giving fully in return...and I'm supposed to be ok with it??? does he not realize that I do not need him??? never did never will...there are many many that I can turn to if in need of anything...honestly h is not the one I call on...he's not been there for me too many times...I'm tired of dropping things to appease him...I'm tired of being there for him...I'm tired of trying to be his wife...I'm tired of trying to be a part of his life...I'm just plain tired.
again the negative funk!!
and again I'll do my best to let it all out here and keep it from h...
and again h will not realize that if he were to simply call before 3pm (after leaving the house at 5:30am) if he were to leave the phone message to ME and not to "you guys" if he were to simply want to spend some time with me then perhaps this funk that occurs every few days would not occur...
I'm tired of the inconsistancy....
I am consistant...I listen to h...I make the time...I may be tired but I push myself to make his lunch because I know it makes him feel loved to have it...I'm tired of giving...and yet I'll continue to give give give in the hopes that perhaps one day h will be consitant...so then I am back to where I was prior to discovering the a....only difference is now I am more lonely because I know that my h is capable of "that feeling" he just doesn't want to share it with me...I'm not worth the effort to him. and because now I can't express how I feel.
l, i am so sorry your situation seems to be stuck. my h's 1st ow was with us our entire m(as a "friend") than 4 yrs into our m, they became more than friends off and on for almost 2 yrs! he stopped the affair on his own but he kept her in his life as a "friend" until 2 monthes after we started piecing! i often wonder myself why he didn't marry her if she was so important he had to keep her around our entire m. even if she was just a friend, why did he need that? i was a good friend...so i understand your questioning. i wish your h (and mine!) could answer all the ?'s so there could be understanding and closure. going to school will be good for you. it is hard staying home all day with the kids. try to take it a day at a time and not project into the future. we never really know what lies ahead of us. lisa
Quote: try to take it a day at a time and not project into the future.
like not even 20 min into the future right??!!
so after my pity party..h has not time...h makes no time...h doesn't accept invitations for time...h is grumpy...yada yada....h calls at 5:30....I reluctantly answer in my happy (but not fake) voice...h is in babble mode...on and on he goes...on and on he goes...laughing...telling me blow by blow his last hour or so...using a funny voice...sounding positive and upbeat...not the grumpy complainer who came home and swore and then went to sleep.
so feeling a bit safe...I mentioned a poster I noticed at the packy (for you non new englanders that's a liquor store) about a resteraunt that has live music in the evenings...free...byob...said I'd like to check it out...h said that sounds like fun..we can do that tommorow night..so now the hunt for a sitter...and simply the fact that he was willing to go and said he could be home by 5:30 tommorow night is enough for me...(for today anyway)
LL rants...LL raves...LL is a basket case...LL does have a lot of mixed emotions...LL is still trying to figure things out..LL is still trying to understand what to make of all this crapola...LL will go up and down..LL will at times refer to herself in the third person (well she is a basket case after all and that's what "those" people do isn't it) LL just needs to breath and calm down....calm down...breath LL...you're going to be ok...it's just going to take a while...this crap didn't happen over night....it's not about one incident...this is a compilation of many many years of each of you unknowingly hurting the other...now you each are begining to understand those unintentional hurts and learn from the lesson they forced you to learn...youre going to get there...just stop looking for the destination and enjoy the view along the way...
Awww, you're not nuts, honey...I should know! (I'm speaking professionally of course )
You just seem to be someone who feels deeply and can put it down in words very well. Do I need to say AGAIN that I share some of your feelings?
How's this: H and I didn't make love on our WEDDING NIGHT! We grabbed a burger and went to sleep .
I'm not sure if I feel "it" anymore either...it's been a looong time. But what is "it" anyway? Are we talking about the honeymoon, heart fluttering, passion? Does that really last anyway?
I know for sure that I want some of "it" back in my life. I told H this just the other night. Just kind of stuck in familiar routines, ya know?
VERY glad to hear you're having a fun night out. See? Just when you're about to throw in the towel, about to write them off, they go and surprise you like that!
I have to hand it to you folks whose S's won't tell all about what the R with OP was about. At least CJ has afforded me that comfort and that pain. It takes some of the painful guess work out.
When you ask why your H ever married you....could it be because he loves you??? Just a thought.
Quote: Awww, you're not nuts, honey...I should know! (I'm speaking professionally of course )
isn't it those who don't think they're nuts that you really have to worry about anyway??!!
Quote: You just seem to be someone who feels deeply and can put it down in words very well. Do I need to say AGAIN that I share some of your feelings?
ya, it's a gift to be able to put your minds tourment into words isn't it!! I know others share my feelings...I just have more of a tendancy to let them out...working on doing it verbally (calmly) rather than in outward burst...that is why at times my vents are full of...well full of what I can't say...how's that LL at a loss for words.
Quote: I'm not sure if I feel "it" anymore either...it's been a looong time. But what is "it" anyway? Are we talking about the honeymoon, heart fluttering, passion? Does that really last anyway?
don't know exactly what the "it" is that h was searching for and getting from ow...for me "it" is simply comfort...knowing you're safe to be you with that person. the flutter??? doubt that lasts...but in some ways it does...sure a h will fart infront of you and not care much for what he's wearing...but he still wont kiss you (a real kiss) with morning breath.
Quote: How's this: H and I didn't make love on our WEDDING NIGHT! We grabbed a burger and went to sleep .
poor poor shiny...at least I got that "it" on our honey moon...and plenty of "it" too...I say I was bored cause every night we sat in the same lounge listening to the same guy sing songs with a bunch of older people...the nights that I did have fun where when we snuck off to the arcade or just roamed the halls looking at old pictures and stuff...I supose I shouldn't say I was bored..I did enjoy myself and would like to go back again.
Quote: I know for sure that I want some of "it" back in my life. I told H this just the other night. Just kind of stuck in familiar routines, ya know?
some routine is good...but too much can become stale.
Quote: I have to hand it to you folks whose S's won't tell all about what the R with OP was about. At least CJ has afforded me that comfort and that pain. It takes some of the painful guess work out.
in some ways h has told me what the ow was about...very indirectly of course...I don't think h actualy "knows" what the ow was about other than "it" was there...I do still ponder were they phisical..and I'd have to venture that h's answer will always be no...
Quote: When you ask why your H ever married you....could it be because he loves you??? Just a thought.
it's a shame that his response the last time I asked was that it was just the next step...I know h married me because he loved me...thing is he didn't realize just how much he loved me until he tried to leave me...you don't know how much he aged (oh the grey hairs...I'll die when I get one) over the last year.
well I'm beat! just painted the top half of dd's bedroom...I'm pooped and off to la la land myself...hoping for some cuddles but I'll be ok if not h is after all snoring already.
having a tough time of it the past few days...actually cried a bit today...
I don't know exactly what it is I feel...
despair?? hurt?? humiliation??
I knew h was who he was...but I trusted him...I believed he was an honest man...
I don't trust h anymore...I really don't and at this point I have no reason to...h has not given me reason to believe what he says or does...it has gotten to a point where if he can lie to me about this woman he can lie to me about anything at all...I barely trust that he's put the bag of toy's into donation rather than into the trash...
I don't know...I'm just sad and confused and lonely...I don't know what to do with these feelings other than go off and do something for myself (which mind you I cannot do until the kids go to bed) but is that really the answer here??
I don't know....I just don't know...I feel positive movement and then I feel stagnant or worse back tracking.
I can easily go out (once the kids are in bed) and do something for myself...feel alive...but then I return to this sleepy place.
it has been a long time since I've felt awake and alive...I feel it in spurts here and there but for the most part I have been walking around in a fog...I don't like it...I try to shake it...
three positives (sorry they wont include h)
1. I am lucky enough to stay at home with my children who are happy and healthy.
2. I passed the cpr upgrade (the practical anyway and assume the written as well but those results will be a week or so)
3. one day when my life was upside down a friend handed me a copy of db and said look at this..without it I would be more confused than I am right now.
LL..sorry that you are down..the moods do come and go...you are tired...of course you are..you have 2 small kids...you are home with them all day..and I know from experience that alone is tiring. Your h is tired too, works long hours..customers to please...being a young family is tough..even tougher in a m that is shakey. I don't have any magic words to help...you need to honestly look at your life and if you really are not happy..you know what you have to do to achieve that..or at least from being here, you know there are options and loads of help along the way. You still seem to have doubts about h love and trust..big items to heal from. Is there a pastor or c that you could find to help with these feelings?
Boy..I sound like ms- know- it- all...I just hate to see you hurting so much, when you seem to be on top of the world some of the time...
Quote: You still seem to have doubts about h love and trust..
sure do...
here's one for ya folks...so I check from time to time in ismh.com to see if ow's house is still listed...I have not actually clicked on her home in a long time...looking at the browser..someone has looked at it...and clicked on it...and viewed the pics...hmmmmm...wonder who???
(I'm speaking professionally of course 
)
