I'm new... wife announced on-going EA about a month ago. She says our marriage is over, says she has decided to leave but is taking her time (not rushing into it) out of respect for our long M (probably mainly cos we have kids). I have been using LRT after an initial week of crying / I love yous / present buying etc (Oh dear!).
Anyway, I'm now trying to GAL. Comms have been minimal since the first week, with the odd friendly chat here and there. Even just being friendly with her feels weird (I don't want her as a friend, I want to work on saving our marriage! But she's in love with someone else so has no interest in saving our marriage).
I think I'm doing okish with the LRT, but one thing that I'm really unsure on is whether to be honest when W asks "How are you doing?". Truth is although the GALing is definitely stopping me fall into a despair, and I am enjoying plenty of moments during my days (work, exercise, evenings out with friends etc)... I am very very far from being OK!!!
My answer is usually "What do you expect?!". But I can then proceed to have a civil / friendlyish chat. What do you guys reckon is best, pretend to be completely fine? Seems weird, but if that's best then I'll do it.
When W asks, you look her in the eyes, smile, and say: "Great!" If you can't muster "great," then at least throw out a cheerful "good!"
Have you read DR? If not - and even if so - look for sandi's rules here on the boards if you haven't already; they're pinned at the top of the Newcomers forum, I believe.
While you're on moderation, you won't be able to chat with us in "real time." But keep posting, even though your posts will be delayed. You'll be off moderation soon.
Meanwhile, tell us more about the problems in your M that you think may have contributed to W looking for happiness outside your M. What could OM be providing her that you weren't?
And give us some background. How long have you been M? How many kids, and what are their ages?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I'm far from being an expert here, so vets please chime in if I'm wrong - but I think the best thing is to always appear calm and contented. As Train said above, "good!" is a simple and noncommittal answer that will work just fine. If you can't be enthusiastic or cheerful, at least try to be calm and smile with your answer - like nothing at all can mess with your inner peace. Think zen! It works on so many levels, and it confuses them - you are supposed to be falling apart over losing her - and it will make your W pay attention and wonder why you are so calm.
Me: 31 H: 37 T: 10 M: 9 BD: 2012 H draws up papers: Oct. 2014 H files: Oct. 2015 D final: was Feb. 10, now postponed b/c I hired L. Currently: wondering if it's kinder just to let him go. So confused.
Hello, Tictoc. Like so many said to me when I joined the boards here, SO SORRY YOU ARE HERE! The vets will help with sorting out and new ideas, but I just wanted to say hello, and tell you to hang in there and take it day by day. That, I think, is what we are all doing.
TicToc, just to echo what everyone has already told you, tell her you are good/great/fine. Just be sure you don't go overboard with it because your W will know its fake. If you told her you're better than fine, doing fantastic, and its been what 1 month since BD? She's gonna know your full of [censored]. Personally, when my W first asked me those questions, Id say "I'm doing ok, doing fine" and then smile and leave it at that. IMO, any more than that, this quickly, still living together, your W will know if you're just bs'ing her. Especially if your GAL activities haven't been too crazy.
Bottom line, you can fake some of it, but don't overdo it.
In the meantime, what are you doing for YOU? you mentioned some of your GAL activities, are you seeing an IC? What are your 180s?
Last edited by TLEE86; 02/06/1501:38 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
To answer your Qs... yes I have read DB & DR & sandi's rules, all great stuff. Because W's EA is ongoing and so serious (no desire to work on M), it was clear to me I had to dive straight in to LRT unfortunately .
Me: 35 W: 37, S11, S8.
W says she hasn't found me physically / sexually attractive for years but didn't say as she knew it would hurt me. She does feel those attractions towards OM, also a deep emotional connection (they think the same, apparently **pukes** ). W says she and I are very different people.
I'm very up and down at the moment, some days feel ok then she 'goes out' for a few hours (blatantly to see or phone OM) and the anger and sickness come back with a vengeance.
Will take the advice and answer "good", which is actually true in some ways. My GALing has been fun (seeing friends, exercise, great times w the kids, sorting through stuff and chucking out old junk from the house). My 180s are stopped cleaning up after her, fawning over her, initiating conversation etc.
Early on in M there was blazing rows, but after couple years things seemed overall good to me (hence the big shock at EA). Sex was infrequent (her choice not mine). For her now, it's ILYBNILWY. Physically I'm fine, she says I'm handsome and I don't have any insecurities about my appearance (I looked better in my early twenties but didn't we all?!). But for her, the attraction isn't there. I think it's something we could work on, but with ongoing EA she has no desire to work on it. Also like I said she thinks we are too different. Me cautious vs her spontaneous, me belief vs her atheist. Wasn't a problem for me but it is for her.
So, what should be my plan of action (other than what I've already said I'm doing i.e. LRT)?
!
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