Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

So, it's time for a 2nd thread!

First thread here:
susana47 - Intro and 180 Questions

Recap...
12/3/2014 - Bomb dropped. Really did not see it coming, H seemed happy (and was physically affectionate/saying ILY consistently up until 5 seconds before BD when he burst out crying). H moved to sofa.
December 2014- did all the things you shouldn't do - begging, crying, pleading etc.
Christmas - we spent a week with my family outside the country, and had a rule (since they didn't know) that we would *not* have any R talks, and would 'act normal'. H acted like a completely different person - caring, hugging me a lot and cuddling me sometimes, sleeping in the same bed, (no ML but he did nearly kiss me one night but stopped himself).
Jan 2015 Spent several days after New Year's in pretty much complete silence (on my own, no phone etc.) on introspection and came to the conclusion that yes, I do want to fight for my M, because I don't want to look back and not regret giving it my all. And that at the end of the day, I want to be able to love, with no expectation in return. Around the same time, I discovered DB/DR (fortuitous!) and began implementing 180s on the 6th of Jan. Got rid of our MC who wasn't helpful, and got a DB coach.

So far, H seemed to be drawing back closer (was saying I looked beautiful, asking about my evening, even starting tickle fights on the sofa) and now seems to be pulling away again.

I am GAL-ing as much as possible (seeing friends loads more, having regular movie nights with one friend, coffee "dates" with another, going to free lectures at a local university, trying out meetup groups and meeting new people, and my latest thing is I'm thinking of trying belly dancing, I've always wondered but never had the guts to try out a class!). Have started dressing up more.

I'm trying to get into the mindset of detachment and keep asking myself 'Is this what I really want to do? If H were out of the picture, what would I do?" It's the hardest part for me, I'm used to considering what H would want (maybe too much). So...onwards and upwards and into my new challenge for February...detaching!

[susana4]

Moving over reply to comment from previous thread...

Just to make sure...so it's like right now, I am 'playing a part' almost (imagining myself as Joyce Davenport or another female heroine) and sticking to the tactics, not showing all my feelings, whilst working on improving myself. Later, if we get to the piecing stage, then my authentic self will start to come back out as we work through things (also difficult from what I hear). Yes?

If I may speak for Toots & Starsky, I'd say the answer is YES!

Got it. Thanks!

Train, I read through some of your old threads from your sitch earlier and I have to say I am INSPIRED by your strength! Can I use you as my role model instead of Joyce Davenport?

Your GAL schedule sounds FABULOUS!

Thank you! I'm lucky in that I live in a huge city with loads of things going on (many free!) so I am never stumped on what to do. (I hadn't really though that much about it until catching up on some others' threads like Frank who live in really remote places but I am lucky to live somewhere with so many opportunities)

You asked this: I did not invite H to any of my birthday celebrations - have i done the right thing?

My response was going to be something long-winded like this: Yes, I think you made the right choice.

... But let me add a side note or two (IOW, let me ramble; LOL) that goes back to something I think you've written about recently: What sometimes helped me to remember was that my H was going to do what he wanted to do, and there was NOTHING I could do to change his mind. If his mind was going to be changed, he would be the one to change it. Maybe the changes I made in myself would help attract him back. Maybe they wouldn't. (They did.)

I didn't have to ask myself much if inviting my H to something was a good idea. He was in an A, and that made everything really cut-and-dry for me. I wouldn't act like I was M *at all* while he was actively sleeping with OW. In your case? Without knowledge of an OW, you CAN invite your H places. But here's the thing: You'd have to ask him in a way that's clear that you are unattached to his decision to go or not. You're going with or without him, and whether he goes or not is entirely up to him. You'll be having a great time, with or without him. I'd ask myself: "Am I emotionally ready for him to reject me, or turn me down, if I invite him?" I wouldn't invite him UNTIL you can completely unattach from his response.

When you first asked about whether you were right in not inviting H to your bday festivities, my mind immediately thought: Yikes. I'm betting it's too early to invite him somewhere; how would she feel if he turned her down this early in the game?

And then I read this: frankly, I think it would be awkward to have him there and make it harder for me to have a nice evening if I felt like I had to filter myself in his presence.

And that told me the answer to this: have i done the right thing?

I think you absolutely have. And I'm impressed that you have that kind of clarity and self-awareness and confidence this early into your situation.

Happy (Early) Birthday!

Thank you for the bday wishes! And thanks for that, that does make sense, needing to get to a place where it doesn't matter whether he'd say yes or no. Will keep that in mind, if and when I want to invite him to anything.

I have bouts of self-confidence and wavering, but I keep telling myself it's normal to have up and down days in this process...

[susana4]

A slightly different topic, but I'm wondering if anyone can give me some guidance on jealousy...

As part of my GAL-ing I've joined some local groups and am going to meet new people. Last Saturday I went to one and I was REALLY nervous and at first sure I was going to hate it but ended up having an amazing time (I even went into a Starbucks afterwards and the guy working there said to me "wow, you look so HAPPY, what made you so happy today?", which shocked me because I realised it was one of the first times I'd been happy at all since BD). Anyway, I met this guy there, who was being really friendly and chatting to me a lot (just to be clear, I wasn't attracted to him and frankly I wasn't sure if he was gay but we had a nice talk). Afterwards, I mentioned the conversation I had with this guy in passing to H when he asked about my day. Not intending to make him jealous, but he did seem it. (Which was weird. Because I've never seen H jealous. Not once! Even when we met up with a former ex of mine for lunch once, who even remarked how un-jealous H is.)
I have to admit I did get a bit of a kick out of seeing him look a bit jealous... Should I hold off mentioning other guys in the future or is it ok to make him a bit jealous? Or does it matter more what my intention is (trying to make him jealous vs. just mentioning and not caring if he is).

[Tarheel]

I don't think you should go out of your way to tell him stories of talking/meeting/dating other guys. But it doesn't hurt to be 'mysterious.' If you're going out, tell him you're meeting 'friends' (even if it's just other girls). Let him become jealous because he *thinks* you're out talking with other guys, not because you rub it in his face.

[Starsky309]

I don't think you should go out of your way to tell him stories of talking/meeting/dating other guys. But it doesn't hurt to be 'mysterious.' If you're going out, tell him you're meeting 'friends' (even if it's just other girls). Let him become jealous because he *thinks* you're out talking with other guys, not because you rub it in his face.

This ^^^.

[susana4]

I don't think you should go out of your way to tell him stories of talking/meeting/dating other guys. But it doesn't hurt to be 'mysterious.' If you're going out, tell him you're meeting 'friends' (even if it's just other girls). Let him become jealous because he *thinks* you're out talking with other guys, not because you rub it in his face.

Makes sense, thank you for the advice Tarheel. I have struggled a little with the 'mysterious' thing because I've always been 100% transparent with him about who I was meeting, and would go out of my way to name friends. So it feels a little unnatural. But I guess I need to remind myself to treat him like a friend/colleague, *not* my H...so in that case, he doesn't need to know who I'm meeting.

[susana4]

Copying this over from my old thread

Remember, us guys do have that inherent "rubber band" thing anyway (read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"). So it could be nothing more than that. Also, anyone who's cake-eating is going to pout and pull back if you stop being their dutiful backup plan, too.

Men are natural pursuers (the other part of the rubber band) . . . leave him be and be mysterious and all "Hey, this wasn't want I wanted, but I realize now that I'll survive" upbeat (without being annoyingly so).

Make sense?


Starsky

Oh, is that where the rubber band thing is from?! A friend told me about it but I had no idea it was from that book. I've got the book on my reading list (along with about a million others I've seen on this forum - don't know when I'll get a chance to read all of them!).

Yep, that makes sense. Thank you SO much for your invaluable advice, Starsky. Really appreciate it!

I suppose I may have not given it long enough to start measuring if it's working, at any rate. Looking at it realistically, it's only in the last couple of weeks he's pulled back more (since I have).

I have never actually stated anything along the lines of "Hey, this wasn't want I wanted, but I realize now that I'll survive." I went straight from begging/pleading mode into DB-ing, so the last R talk we had, in December, ended with me logically trying to convince him he was doing something crazy, and saying something along the lines of "but if you feel like you've lost yourself in every relationship then what's to say you won't lose yourself in the next? You need to be yourself, and be in a relationship, and face your fears, in order to overcome that." I believe that was the last R talk we had, right before I read DR and stopped all R talks. So, do I need to actually come out and say "this isn't what I want but I know I'm going to be ok?" Or can I safely assume he will "get it" from my actions? Actions speak louder than words, anyway...

[susana4]

Ok, so tonight went much better than last night, except that I nearly got reactive (but stopped myself) but he has this uncanny ability to detect even the slightest shift in my mood (he always has done) which I'm finding VERY difficult to deal with while DB-ing.

We had a nice, friendly chat when he got home and he told me a little bit about his work concerns. I listened and validated as best as I could, and held back from advising him on what to do or offering suggestions and just listened. Then he asked me to watch TV with him and I agreed. I asked him to wait a few minutes because I wanted to get ready, and I was making myself a hot water bottle and I suddenly got very annoyed that he didn't really seem concerned about me being ill. That is so unlike him, but moreover, I felt like he wasn't even being a *very good friend*, even though I was treating him like one, he hadn't even bothered to ask me how I was feeling or if he could get me anything.

I could tell I was about to get angry, so I went into the other room to cool down for a bit, and felt I did a pretty good job, but he immediately started questioning me "what's going on? Why are you angry at me?" and even though I insisted I wasn't angry, he then started to get annoyed. It ended okay in the end, because I just said "I'm not angry, I'm just feeling really off and under the weather" and he seemed to believe that. I don't really understand how he's so perceptive of my moods, but he always has been (it used to kind of freak me out when we were first together, because it was like he always knew what I was thinking!), and it's making it very hard to "act as if" and not show anger.

[mross32]

Hi Susana -

I've been reading your posts and your story is similar to mine. I've started sleeping in a different bedroom since yesterday. I am cutting back from being a 'good friend' and asking how her day was and going out to dinners etc. She wasn't reciprocating and told me that she is emotionally no longer married for a while now.

We went to couples therapist for one last time and talked about how seperation is going to work. I cried my guts out in that meeting. I was never hurt this bad and she showed no emotion.

For my own sake i know I need to move on at some point. I am dreading the upcoming weekend because I don't know what to do with my time any more. I did to go a young professionals party yesterday and met some cool people though.

[susana4]

Hi Susana -

I've been reading your posts and your story is similar to mine. I've started sleeping in a different bedroom since yesterday. I am cutting back from being a 'good friend' and asking how her day was and going out to dinners etc. She wasn't reciprocating and told me that she is emotionally no longer married for a while now.

We went to couples therapist for one last time and talked about how seperation is going to work. I cried my guts out in that meeting. I was never hurt this bad and she showed no emotion.

For my own sake i know I need to move on at some point. I am dreading the upcoming weekend because I don't know what to do with my time any more. I did to go a young professionals party yesterday and met some cool people though.

Hi mross. I'm so sorry you're in this situation too but welcome to the board, the good thing here is you can meet people in similar situations and get advice from them and vets who have been through it all. I've found it a tremendous source of support and advice!

My first suggestion to you would be to create your own thread on the Newcomers board, explaining in more detail your marriage, the backstory and what happened (let me know when you have, and I'll come check it out), so we can offer advice.

I'm only a little bit ahead of you in the process so I can't give that much advice but let me tell you this: as awful and horrible and gut-wrenching as right now is, it *will* get better. You're very early post-bomb drop, so you're going to be feeling everything right now. (For the first month after the drop for me, I couldn't eat, sleep, or do anything.) Let yourself feel it, but get out and GAL (get a life) like you said. Do you have any close friends or family nearby? You might want to reach out to them and see if they can meet you at the weekend. Otherwise, have a look at any upcoming events in your city you might be interested in. The young professionals party sounds like a great start!