Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[sandi2]

The funny thing is despite all of the above and the growing detachment I have never found her more attractive. As I learn to listen and actually here her I find her fascinating and interesting

You know why, don't you?

[Starsky309]

Ok so the 3rd party reading the messages forwarded me several messages that cut me to the core but that we're also alarming. Firstly the OM visited her 4:30 AM on 18th feb at our old house. Secondly she is discussing with him introducing him to the kids. And that she tells him I am a crazy control freak.

Now the issue I have is that I went round calmly to speak to the W about this on Saturday. As him visiting broke an agreed rule, obviously I had to disclose my knowledge of the messages.

NO, you did not, and this was a major strategic mistake. Never, EVER reveal the source of your intel! Instead, one should only say "STOP IT -- we BOTH know you're lying to me right now. Look, I know all about you and _______ , and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family."

There is a major strategic and tactical advantage for you when they don't know what you know, and what you DON'T know, but instead you just confidently say that you "know everything." Because then they have to assume that you DO (know everything).

If they press you for the source of your intel, you simply say "I'm not going to say. But we do both know you're lying to me right now, and that's all that's important."


Starsky

[Detrmnd]

Ok sorry for the delayed update but I'm away with work at the moment.

So... On Monday morning the W returned early in the AM stating she had ended the A. I remained calm and detached, though obviously this pleased me. I have stuck to saying that we are seperated and going on with our lives. I'm Glad I had to fly out Tuesday first thing though or I may have cracked... So Monday night we all had dinner together and the W offered that I could stay (spare room obviously) but I said thank you that's a lively offer but I think it's best I dont.

So... I have been avoiding contact bar essentials... I must admit I'm finding it harder now as I just want to bombard her and shower her with love and begging! However I am sticking to Sandi2's rules and advice and trying to stay strong!!

I thought I had done a great job of detaching but then as soon as she left OM it all came flooding back. I think this is why so many of us LBHs break all the rules as soon as the WW says the A is over..

So I'm trying to stay strong and keep doing my 180's and GAL. Hopefully she will continue to see changes.. Do u guys think this is a positive response to my 180's? A lie? Or just unrelated?

[Starsky309]

Without an uncompromised source of intel, it's tough to say. I do like your "not-so-fast/I'm-afraid-it's-not-that-simple anymore" response tho. #1 mistake LBSs do is let the formerly wayward spouse back in (to the house, to their heart, to the marriage) TOO EASILY.

#1.

[Starsky309]

What's her MOOD like? Depressed? Upbeat? Other?

[Detrmnd]

She was very depressed Monday morning, Then she seemed to get really upbeat a bit manic depressive tbh. I haven't really spoke to her since, apart from family essentials but she seems quite subdued and low not "full of life" certainly.

Also appreciate about the Intel. Time will tell, I will know if she goes there, as the car has to make a toll crossing which has an online account or keeps calling him when my next phone bill comes as its company phones and I get the itemised bill.
I can also track her iPhone but I am loathe to do that as it doesn't help my detaching tbh, and then sends me into a spiral if it's bad news...

[Detrmnd]

Glad you think I fid the right thing with remaining distant as well though, it almost broke my heart when I knew I could kiss her if I wanted too and she would have let me, there was a moment. But I hugged her instead and changed subject.. I was so tempted though!!

[Starsky309]

SLOW and STEADY. If she's sincere, she won't be deterred. And if she's not, you don't want any part of it anyway.

[Detrmnd]

Thanks starsky, I find it hard not to get sucked back in! Detached I may be, but it's still hard to not be able to spend time with the love of your life. It's so hard in some ways now I realise the mistakes I made and the amazing person that was next to me that I ignored if anything I lover her more... Don't get me wrong I'm still angry, hurt, etc... But I guess the old adage of you do t know what you've got till u loose it is very true!