New... hurt, confused, want to walk away...

[iffy]

Hi I'm new here, gonna post my story and hope I get a little insight...

Been married 32 years, most of them rocky. Have always been the pursuer, the one trying to make things work, and he's always been distant, the more I tried the more he went into his shell. I don't know whether it is because he just doesn't feel it for me that deeply or whether it is that he cannot feel it for ANYONE that deeply. He seems devoid of any emotion except anger. That he expresses very well.

We met 34 years ago and feel deeply in love, moved in together almost immediately and got married two years later. He used to be different then, very communicative and fun to be with. After we got married and had our first child, he changed.

For the first 20 years, I was enthralled by him, he is ex-military, I loved his strength and his ability to handle anything that came his way. He was a good provider. He finished college and we raised three sons together, had a nice home, etc. Even though he was always somewhat cold and distant with me, he was a good dad and I was happy to settle for that because our life was so enriching in other ways.

So... infidelity reared its ugly head in the 20th year of our marriage in the form of a woman from his job. I was devastated. He moved out to "find himself" for four months. He returned just when I felt I might be able to move on with just me and the kids. There was another split up two years later when I found some email to a woman on the women seeking men area of Craigslist. It lasted only a week though. It took me a long time to forgive. I was evil and angry for a long time. I'm sorry about that, but it hurt. I suppose I drove him even farther away but I felt so disrespected.

So now here we are, retired young by todays standards, kids all grown and on their own, and we are completely polarized. Without the kids to glue us together, it seems we have nothing in common. He watches television for hours. Has almost no conversation with me. Never calls or texts and hardly answers the phone when I do. It's like he can't be bothered with me. We fight a lot and almost every time he will ask me for a divorce. This has been going on for two years now.

I am tired. I am hurt. I feel invisible, disrespected and abandoned. But I'm also very frightened to be out on my own after all these years. We are in counseling, just started, but I don't feel it, you know. I just feel sort of dead inside. Like I'm done trying. I feel like I'm crying inside actually but it doesn't come out anymore. Then sometimes I feel like I can't leave because I do still love this man. Don't know how to live without him. He has been with me half my life.

I no longer pursue him. I don't want sex with him very often at all anymore - it doesn't feel real to me. I don't say much to him at all and vice versa. I feel like he never wanted me really. Like it must have been all lip service. Yet just last night he starts talking about the house he wants to build with me like he thinks nothing is wrong. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me. I don't care about that. I am not in love with him either but I don't think you've got to be "in love" after all these years. Isn't just "love" and devotion enough?

I'm really mixed up. Anyway, leaving is looking real good to me.

[Sadie13]

Hi iffy,

I'm new here so I don't think I can offer you much but empathy...

My H will do the same - talk about something future related one minute (like a concert in a few months we both want to see) and then the next minute I will be the enemy again that is ruining his life.

Today I've been reading a lot on the MLC forum section - and this type of thing seems indicative of one. Your H is perhaps past the standard MLC age, but maybe it would help you to take a look over there and see if anything rings a bell?

I can definitely feel how the thought of being on your own after all this time can be terrifying. I feel it too. I haven't been married nearly as long as you have, but I've never been on my own - I went straight from my parents house to marriage. I hope it doesn't come to that - but if it does, you'll be okay. For now, just breathe.

[iffy]

Sadie, empathy is fine and most welcome. Don't you just hate the hot and cold stuff? It's so confusing and awful.

I read your newcomer post where you told your story. Your affair was about a year ago, right? It took me that long after my husband's affair just to get past wanting to kill him in his sleep. I don't know of course because I am not you and I'm not in your marriage, I would say he's hot and cold because he's still really angry but, no, he was that way before you had your affair. Now, he seems to be holding it over your head and causing you even more pain than he did before.

I know you feel guilty. But when do you plan to quit paying for what you did? You can't carry it around forever. At some point, he must move on to forgiveness and you must also forgive yourself or you'll just get nowhere, right?

In re the MLC, he had that stage when he boinked the woman at work 10 years ago. I don't think that's it. I think he has deep seated emotional problems and always has and I'm just not sure I want to keep on beating that dead horse now that my boys are grown and gone. I think I have a right to be happy in the last quarter of my life.

But weirdly enough, I do still love him. He is capable, intelligent and strong. I do admire him in many ways. I just get no love, you know? No tenderness. No support. No real honest affection.

Anyway.. gotta run to the marriage counselor... ugh.. I don't feel like going at all...

[Sadie13]

It is very confusing!!! All the limbo and walking on eggshells business is frustrating...I'm a deal-with-it-and-be-done kind of person. Obviously that won't work here.

My affair was actually about 2.5 years ago. I can understand that he is still angry and hurt...I would be too. But I wish, for his sake, that he would take some steps to talk or work through it, counseling, anything. He just holds on to the resentment.

I think he was not happy in the marriage before...whether it was me or life I don't know. But since I had an affair, now he has an excuse to be justified in his anger and actions, because I "deserve it." I feel like I've lost any say I have in anything...like because of what I did, anything he does now is ok. He has the upper hand in this marriage now, and whatever he does I just have to take it. He has said this specifically. In a way I think he enjoys having this to hold over me...because then it excuses his behaviors and he doesn't have to feel guilty. It's all my fault, of course.

I can forgive myself and put it past me. I think I will always feel guilty for causing him so much pain, but that's a good reminder not to do anything like it ever again. I just don't know if he is willing to forgive me, ever. He seems to think we have no future because he won't be able to forgive and move on. I am not sure that he's really even tried to.

Why did you decide to forgive your husband's affair?

Of course you have a right to be happy! And if you need more from life, you have a right to go out and get it. I guess what it might come down to is, at some point you realize people are the way they are, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you need more affection and support - and he is not willing or able to give you what you need - then you have to decide if you love him enough to forgive those parts of him that don't or can't meet your needs, and accept him the way he is.

If that's not enough for you, and if you know you will be resentful of him if you stay, then you have to decide what's best for you. Have you read the DB or DR books? Thought about setting goals or doing some 180's yet?

[Sadie13]

Hey iffy, I just wanted to check in on you. Are you doing okay? Any improvements?