the last thread bought some significant change in my situation. My wife completed the purchase of her new house and moved out. we have signed various agreements relating to finances and childcare. Although we are still legally married this is now only in the legal sense and how i feel.
I now need to get on with the next phase of my life(mk8)in the knowledge that during this phase my relationship with my wife is as coparents to our children.
Its said a lot but worth repeating, I really am grateful to you for reading my threads and posting your support and advice
thank you
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Just quick journal on whats happened since the flood.
I picked up my kids last night from my Ws house, the handover was cordial but brief. W wasnt keen to engage in conversation and the kids were a bit over tired.
Had a really nice day with them today. played around the house. read S1 lots of stories, played games with D3 while S1 napped. had decent food all day and a lot of laughter and fun.
A friend and his wife (the kids godparents) came over today to play with them for a couple of hours so that was nice and they were entertained by the flood disaster
once the kids were in bed and the domestics sorted I spent a couple of hours on the sofa in front of the fire reading a book.
so a decent day
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
No vino tonight. Drinking wine is a new (post BD) thing for me - I never really liked it but felt i was missing out on the social aspect so i've been teaching myself to drink it.
My PMA is doing ok - I think its the reduction in tension. I just need to stop my mind wandering to making guesses about what my wife is up to.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So a couple of days ago i posted a draft of a letter that i wanted to send my wife, as much as anything it is because we are now moving to a much more distant relationship and the massive stress and anxiety that went with the getting the agreements resolved is now done.
I've thought about it a lot and I do still want to send it (give it tomorrow night when i drop the kids off). I dont expect it to achieve anything other than to express how I feel and sincerely express my hopes for her future happiness. When i read it back there were a couple of minor bits so below is the updated version
Wife,
I cannot begin to fully understand what you have gone through and what you have felt these past 4 months and I am only now beginning to understand how you felt in the months/years leading up to your decision to leave. I do know that I have tried to support your decision as best I can through what has been the hardest and most emotionally charged time of my life. I do also recognise that it may not have felt that way for you and so for any part I have played that has made it feel harder or more difficult then I am truly sorry.
I want you to know that I have always loved you and that your happiness means the world to me. I would have done anything to support you in finding that happiness and to make our marriage work; it will be the single greatest regret of my life that it took you leaving to make me understand what you needed from me and the ways in which I could and gladly would have done better.
As much as i would like to change the past and do what I now know I should have, I know I cannot. Instead I will respect your decision and do my best to honour the time we had together by being the best parent I can to our children and being the man you always deserved and always hoped I could be.
I wish nothing but happiness for you in your new home.
With love, always
Jim
I'm concerned that its pursuing and that it will seem controlling. I'm also concerned that she will see it as blaming even though i dont think it is.
Ultimately sending this is probably more about my needs (to apologise for any hurt i've caused, and a desire to show empathy) than her needs which right now are for space and distance as she wants to move on without me.
I guess i'm just looking for thoughts
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim - as I said before, I think it's a lovely letter. I have made a few wording suggestions below (feel free to ignore.) I'm not sure this is the best time to send it, but it's your decision mate, and if you will feel better doing so, go for it, and best of luck to you. x
Wife,
I can't begin to fully understand what you have gone through and what you have felt these past 4 months. I'm only now starting to understand how you felt in the months and years leading up to your decision to leave. I've tried to support your decision as best I can through what has been the hardest and most emotionally charged time of my life. I recognise it may not have felt that way for you and for any part I've played that made it feel more difficult, I am truly sorry.
I want you to know that I have always loved you and that your happiness means the world to me. I would have done anything to support you in finding that happiness and to make our marriage work. It may be the single greatest regret of my life that it took you leaving to make me understand what you needed from me and what I could and gladly would have done better.
As much as I would like to change the past, I know I can't. Instead I will respect your decision and do my best to honour the time we had together by being the best parent I can to our children and being the man you always deserved and always hoped I could be.
I wish nothing but happiness for you in your new home.
With love, always
Jim
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My wife has just picked up the kids to take them back to her place. S1 was really upset as he doesnt understand. He just kept trying to hold on to me crying 'Daddy'
he did the reverse when i picked them up on friday. My wife said 'he's confused but he'll get used to it'. He will and i didnt need to be told but if it bothers her that he has to be put through this then she does a really good job of hiding it.
anyways the kids and I had a really nice day today, a bit of a mundane journal really but in someways i want to dispel the image that i'm a wreck.
good getting up routine and played a bit before swimming. arrived at wifes exactly at the agreed time (someone was hiding upstairs which i found amusing but didnt acknowledge - 99% certain it was PF)
good swimming lesson with D3, got back and D3 helped me make a tuna pasta bake for lunch. W dropped S1 back about an hour later and declined the offer of a coffee. took the kids to the park for a bit, had lunch, and then played for a bit.
while S1 had his nap, D3 and I made flapjacks and did lots of craft stuff so that my whole kitchen is covered in glitter now.
then just had a relaxed afternoon playing some more etc. Wife arrived to find me and the children playing with the giant duplo dinosaur we built. (she was early, untalkative and eager to leave as quickly as possible)
I gave her some of the flapjacks (they were a bit dry), a new home card that the kids made for her and the letter. I said to her that i tried to do a card (which i did) but struggled to get the words right so wrote a letter.
No idea whether she will even read it let alone respond in anyway. In truth if she reacts it will more likely be with indignation and outrage about how i dont get how 'shocking' my behaviour is, or that I made the move as difficult at possible. on the plus side she has plenty of poisonous people around her to help with that.
From my perspective what i said was sincere and genuine and as close to giraffe language as i think i could manage. For Jim mk8 that is important (part of my new rules) regardless of whether she has jackal ears - or eyes in this case.
So now for a fun filled evening of ironing and getting ready for a week at work.
47 hrs until i see my kids 159 hrs until i see my wife
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim. Seems like a good time with kids. , which is all mportant , Im glad for your sake you gave her the letter because it came accross as something you really wanted to do If it has an impact or not , time might tell but it's off your chest. A good friend of mine stresses that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Enjoy the ironing !!!! And 47 hours will fly by.
