My Story

[Joe46]

So here is my story. I met my wife 15 years ago in a chat room! We started talking alot. I never felt that kind of bond before. We talked everyday for hours and than she came to see me and we just hit it off. Shortly after she moved with her 3 children from her previous marriage. Their father did not have anything to do with them so I raised those kids like they were my own. We got married and have 2 children together. Our relationship has been good up till the past 8 months. We have had our fights. I have realized lately that I have been a little controlling and negative at times. There has always been a great deal of attraction between us. Sex life was great. One of our faults might have been that we always put our kids first. We did not do many things just the 2 of us. Last April my wife took this new job working from home. She works alot of hours and it is at night. So we don't see each other much. At about the same time, her youngest from her first marriage graduated from high school. He was her baby. She loves all of the kids, but something changed in her after that. She started pushing me away. She became obsessed about her appearance. She also made it a point to let me know when someone checked her out. She spent alot of time alone in her room during the day. Of course I did everything wrong. Bought flowers, tried to talk, caused lots of fights. Sex life started to die out which made it worse. I began snooping looking for evidence of cheating. I threatened divorce. I said I was sorry lots of times. Promised not to bring it up again. But I always ended up bringing it up. I guess I just thought that we are adults and should be able to talk about the problems and work through them. So I have been reading tons of books. I am still half way through Divorce Remedy. When I started reading that I began to see what I was doing wrong. Man what an eye opener! So I have been doing the things from the book for the past few weeks. I have noticed a few changes in her. But the weirdest thing is, before I started doing my 180's and working on me, she was still sleeping in the same bed as me. Now that I have started doing all this and acting "as if" and getting a life, she starts sleeping in another room. I did not say a word. Whatever! So I pray alot, read alot, work and take care of my kids. I am still just completely baffled by all this. Marriage is not a decision I take lightly. But I did not sign up to be a single parent. I chose this person to share my life with. I never imagined at 42 I would be playing dating games like I was in high school.

[June315]

The guessing game, not knowing what to do and how it will end kills me too.

[susana4]

So here is my story. I met my wife 15 years ago in a chat room! We started talking alot. I never felt that kind of bond before. We talked everyday for hours and than she came to see me and we just hit it off. Shortly after she moved with her 3 children from her previous marriage. Their father did not have anything to do with them so I raised those kids like they were my own. We got married and have 2 children together. Our relationship has been good up till the past 8 months. We have had our fights. I have realized lately that I have been a little controlling and negative at times. There has always been a great deal of attraction between us. Sex life was great. One of our faults might have been that we always put our kids first. We did not do many things just the 2 of us. Last April my wife took this new job working from home. She works alot of hours and it is at night. So we don't see each other much. At about the same time, her youngest from her first marriage graduated from high school. He was her baby. She loves all of the kids, but something changed in her after that. She started pushing me away. She became obsessed about her appearance. She also made it a point to let me know when someone checked her out. She spent alot of time alone in her room during the day. Of course I did everything wrong. Bought flowers, tried to talk, caused lots of fights. Sex life started to die out which made it worse. I began snooping looking for evidence of cheating. I threatened divorce. I said I was sorry lots of times. Promised not to bring it up again. But I always ended up bringing it up. I guess I just thought that we are adults and should be able to talk about the problems and work through them. So I have been reading tons of books. I am still half way through Divorce Remedy. When I started reading that I began to see what I was doing wrong. Man what an eye opener! So I have been doing the things from the book for the past few weeks. I have noticed a few changes in her. But the weirdest thing is, before I started doing my 180's and working on me, she was still sleeping in the same bed as me. Now that I have started doing all this and acting "as if" and getting a life, she starts sleeping in another room. I did not say a word. Whatever! So I pray alot, read alot, work and take care of my kids. I am still just completely baffled by all this. Marriage is not a decision I take lightly. But I did not sign up to be a single parent. I chose this person to share my life with. I never imagined at 42 I would be playing dating games like I was in high school.

I'm new here and certainly not an expert in this but it sounds to me like your wife could be going through a mid life crisis. You might want to check out the mid life crisis board on this forum and the chapter in Divorce Remedy and see if you think so.

[Ahoy]

Hi Joe, It does sound like MLC and also probably an affair to boot. Focusing on yourself, even if it doesn't get her back in the bedroom, will be beneficial for you working on yourself. Definitely try some 180s, but also please do go out at night and enjoy yourself with friends. And let her wonder a bit what you're up to. It's so stupid to have to play games at this point, after so many years, and with your own spouse, but sometimes you have to do things that are counter-intuitive. A person in an affair is not thinking logically, so she will not be able to just sit down and have a frank discussion with you about what's going on. So let her figure things out for herself, and in the meantime, work on getting some GAL activities going and stay positive.

[Joe46]

So we had a little talk on Sunday. I told her how I was feeling and what I wanted out of our relationship. I did manage to get her to open up some about what she was feeling. I think you are right about the mid life crisis. I see a ton of signs. She told me about alot of the things I have done during our marriage that hurt her. I have started realizing this for myself over the past few months. I don't know if you have seen the movie Fireproof, but that guy in that movie reminded me of myself. I watched alot of porn, I have been very controlling and selfish. I have not been as loving as I should have been and I definately did not make my wife feel special. It is trully a miracle she has stayed with me this long. I believe God is giving me my wake up call. I have started .... I can see a difference already in my self. Sunday evening my wife actually started talking about taking the kids to eat once a month and where we should go. She texted me good night for the first time in a long time. And she actually said I Love You which she has not done in a really long time. Right now I am just going to start working on myself and try to be the husband I should have been. I am going to work hard to be the kind of man I want to be.

[susana4]

Good! What changes have you made, and what specific areas have you identified you want to work on? Have you read the DB/DR books yet?

[Joe46]

I am still reading Divorce Remedy. I am working on not being so controlling. Not always wanting to have things my way. I am giving her space. I am just trying to let her know that I am here. I am having a hard time with my 180's. In the past I have acted sometimes like I take her for granted. I have not been as supportive as I should have been. I have not listened like I should have. These are all things I am working on now. If I was to do a 180 from what I have been doing the past 6 months since she has changed, it would be different. I have pushed the relationship issues, snooped, accused her of an affair, became angry and threatened to leave and threatened divorce. Right now I am doing none of these things. I can see how they have made things worse. So I read alot. Pray alot. And concentrate on my kids. I am trying to be a better man for myself and hopefully my wife. I have to admit that I get jealous sometimes when I see other couples our age or older and they seem happy and still together. I would be happy if my wife would just come back to our bed right now. That would be a huge step in the right direction.

[Joe46]

So I have been doing alot of thinking and praying the past few days. Sunday my Dad had to be flown in to the hospital and put in intensive care. His Kidneys shut down from having pneumonia and being dehydrated. It was a very scary stressful situation. I was down at the hospital with my mom while my dad was in the hospital. My wife took care of the kids and of course had to work that evening. I was a little bothered when I got home because I could have used some support. She came down to hear how things were going and I wasn't able to just talk with her about everything before she said she had to get back to work. Than I went back down yesterday to see my dad and on the day she was supposed to be off work, she decided to train another girl and help out during the afternoon and evening. Usually when I get home after work I take care of the kids and get them put to bed. I think that our children would be more important on her day off than her helping out. She helps out everytime someone needs to do any little thing. The one time her own family needed her she chose the job over us. My daughter was kinda worried about her grandpa being in the hospital. Last night when I got home she wasn't even available to talk to me about my dad. I have been there for her through every experience she has ever had to deal with. I have left work many times to get her to the hospital or if she needed me. I guess I was just hoping that during her one night off she would be there for me. Am I being selfish? I guess I just thought that having your spouse there through tough times was part of being married. My dad almost died. I'm sorry, but I needed to vent. She didn't used to be like this.

[susana4]

Hi Joe,
Sorry I haven't had a chance to catch up on your sitch or comment in awhile.

So I have been doing alot of thinking and praying the past few days. Sunday my Dad had to be flown in to the hospital and put in intensive care. His Kidneys shut down from having pneumonia and being dehydrated. It was a very scary stressful situation. I was down at the hospital with my mom while my dad was in the hospital.

Joe, I am SO sorry to hear about your Dad. He will be in my thoughts, and I hope he recovers soon.

My wife took care of the kids and of course had to work that evening. I was a little bothered when I got home because I could have used some support. She came down to hear how things were going and I wasn't able to just talk with her about everything before she said she had to get back to work.

I don't mean to be hard on you here, I know you're going through a stressful time with your dad, but please try and stop and think about this from your wife's perspective. Your wife took care of your kids while your dad was in hospital and then she came down (from where? from her work to the house?) to talk to you about the situation before having to go to work, and you're complaining she wasn't supportive enough?

That sounds really supportive to me! You can't really blame her for having to go to work, I'm assuming her work starts at a set time and she had to be there? Yet she took some time out to speak to you and hear about your dad, and even come down (from work?) to talk to you.

Did you thank her for coming down and talking to you? Did you show her any praise?

It's better to praise behaviours you like, and encourage more of them, than to criticise behaviours your don't like...

Than I went back down yesterday to see my dad and on the day she was supposed to be off work, she decided to train another girl and help out during the afternoon and evening. Usually when I get home after work I take care of the kids and get them put to bed. I think that our children would be more important on her day off than her helping out. She helps out everytime someone needs to do any little thing. The one time her own family needed her she chose the job over us. My daughter was kinda worried about her grandpa being in the hospital. Last night when I got home she wasn't even available to talk to me about my dad. I have been there for her through every experience she has ever had to deal with. I have left work many times to get her to the hospital or if she needed me. I guess I was just hoping that during her one night off she would be there for me. Am I being selfish? I guess I just thought that having your spouse there through tough times was part of being married. My dad almost died. I'm sorry, but I needed to vent. She didn't used to be like this.

There are a lot of assumptions here...

How do you know she chose to train the girl? Might she have been forced to by her superiors?

Did you ask your wife to watch the kids that evening, or did you just assume she would? Did you discuss it with her?

I know it's hard not to assume your W will help you out in your time of need (and it's easy to get angry over your spouse not helping), but it's also your responsibility to express what you need. You can't just assume that she will guess it. I don't understand what happened anyway,
did someone else watch the kids that day?
Were you unable to go to the hospital at all to see your dad because you had to stay home with the kids?

If I understand correctly what you wrote, you were still able to see your dad, but you are angry your wife wasn't there to speak to you when you got home.

Am I being selfish? I guess I just thought that having your spouse there through tough times was part of being married.
I don't think you're being selfish, but you are assuming your wife can read your mind. And you don't seem to be appreciating what she did do to help you in this time of need.

Lastly, if your wife is going through a mid life crisis (and it sounds it to me based on what you've said) I don't think you can count on her to be by your side, being supportive. And you certainly shouldn't expect her to act like her old self.

[Joe46]

You are absolutely right in everything you said. This has been one of my problems all along. I have been selfish and never thought about the other person. Luckily through reading the Divorce Remedy and really looking at myself, I did not react to what I was feeling. I had to stop and think about what was really bothering me. I am proud of my self for handling it the way I did. You are right, she did take time from her job to check on me. I did leave her a nice note last night thanking her for watching the kids while I have been seeing my dad. I did tell her what a wonderful wife and mother I think she is. Yesterday she texted me in the morning and said she hopes I have a good day and that she loved me. That felt really good. She has not done that in a really long time. My dad is doing better thank goodness. Thank You for your prayers.