I've been reading posts here for quite a while and initially posted a month or so ago on Newcomers. I find though my stich is definitely more suited here.
I've learned a lot reading DR plus all the threads Cadet attaches.
This was my second marriage. My h started showing signs of what I thought was depression when he was turning 40. We had just won custody of his daughter (9 at the time) his Dad had just passed away from cancer and he lost his job.
I was becoming the primary parent as my H started to check out. He got a new job that involved traveling without talking to me about it and started travelling to Eastern Europe every six weeks for 10 days. I found him more and more distant each time he came home.
I was worried about him as he was disengaged not just with me but with life. He spent little time with the daughter he fought to have. He withdrew from his sister, friends and spent most of his time in his office in our basement. I tried to get him to go for IC and MC. I tried to get him to do things that he used to do. He was not very nice to me most of the time although he would still want Intimacy.
I was doing more and more on my own or with my SD. ( My kids are grown) I've always been independent so I instinctively started to GAL.
Finally came BD. He wasn't happy in fact he was miserable with our relationship. I was very upset because I had tried and tried to reconnect and he was miserable alright...he was miserable period!
I didn't beg or plead but I did try and get him into MC. He went 3 times. He was late each time and when he refused to come to the forth appt. The MC asked me why I wanted to stay with someone that had let me down so many times.
We sperated and I moved into a condo of my own. Once I had dropped the rope he was being more friendly and flirting. It was very confusing for me. Fast forward three months and he moved his OW from Eastern Europe into our house. My SD was horrified to come home from a vacation and find a stranger living in the house. I still see my SD. I have known her since she was two. This explained why each time he went away he became more and more distant. They broke up for good this past June and she moved out.
We are not divorced. neither of us has filed. I noticed he was becoming more chatty and friendly after she moved out. He seemed more like his old self. We spent some time together during pick ups and drop offs. He asked me to go for dinner for his birthday in Sept, then again for my bday in Oct and SD's bday in Nov. He would Hug me hello and goodbye. I thought maybe he's making his way out of the tunnel and the fog is lifting.
In Dec he was still friendly but I noticed a pull back. Although he did buy me a small Xmas gift from SD for the first time in 3 yrs. I sensed he was dating someone. It was confirmed that he was by SD Grandma. She didn't want to see me hurt.
I went dark. He thought I was mad so he asked me to meet him for coffee Jan 1. I was surprised that he asked me as he usually avoids conflict. We talked about what happened in our marriage and I talked about how I had been worried about him at that time. He recognized my efforts to reconnect that he had dismissed. That we had had no deal breaking issues before BD. He was emotional and cried for the first time ever about us. I had only ever seen him cry about his daughter before he won custody. He said that he still had feelings for me, was still attracted to me didn't want to not have me in his life didn't want us to be strangers but.....he still wants to date others, he's curious. Then he said " I really am in a MLC" I told him I didn't want to be his plan B. He reached across the table held my hand and teared up again. He said you were always my rock. You are amazing. He did also say he wasn't proud of his behavior and his bringing the OW here was a huge mistake. There was no anger in this convo. We had to cut it short as SD was waiting at home for him. We hugged goodbye and went home.
I decided to go dim after this convo. I realized he still has a ways to go though his tunnel. I've been continuing to GAL. We have had no contact since Jan 1. /15 . I have had contact with SD but not through him. As Cadet says they don't notice until you drop the rope and move on. He has always admired my values but now I question his. SD still doesn't get the attention she should and is often home alone ( she's 13 ). Her bio Mom passed away 6 mths after we split. H doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want a committment. I'm not going to let him cake eat. I am moving forward in my life. If he decides to catch up that's up to him.
On the Newcomers page most don't understand MLC. It's different than the usual LBS. Sorry this is so long. I tried to be concise.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Wow Karma - you are very strong and patient. Sounds like you love this man but are questioning whether is will ever be possible to have a relationship. MLC takes a really long time. Sometimes the damage is too great or the LBS has simply moved on. There are stories of reconciliation and I cling to those. Many times though people who are having success are no longer posting. Just something to remember when it all seems hopeless.
When you talked about H checking out of everything I could really relate. OW came later but the whole disengagement from everything started first.
The fact that H is really opening to you about things is a positive. agree that cake eating is not an option. There were some posts on boundaries. Maybe you can search them? They really helped me determine some limits.
You sound very wise and practical. You will know when you are ready to truly move on. Unfortunate that SD is having to deal with this too. Happy that you can act as a counterbalance to his absences.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I've had a few life challenges. Those that don't beat us make us stronger. I was the parent child growing up. Married the first time at 19. Had all my kids by age 27. ( four amazing adults now) I divorced my first husband at 30. I was single ( dated some but nothing serious) until I was 40. That's when I met husband #2.
In my heart I do still love him. My heart broke for my SD. I'm the closest thing to a Mother she will ever have now. It's shocking the way MLC even affects how they are with their kids. When we won custody we promised her this great family life. He started checking out after the first year of her living with us full time. I don't think he could cope with it even though it's what he wanted.
I am realistic enough to know I cannot fix him or change his feelings. This is his road to travel. Do I think one day he will have regrets. Yep. Sometimes you go around and around looking for something not knowing you all ready had it.
I did read the posts on boundaries. That knowledge helped me know I needed to go dim. If I let him come to me to fill his emotional deeper means while he acts like a teenager in heat this cycle will continue as long as I let it.
I've been posting on a few threads here and thought it would be helpful if you all knew my stich too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So today I saw my H for the first time since Jan 1. My SD called me while I was at work and asked to se me. I to,d her I was working and won't be home until 730pm. She said it was ok with her Dad for her to come over and he would pick her up later. It was a school night for her so I was surprised that he was ok with her being out so late.
I picked her up after work and she was home alone. He was apparently in meetings?! She was hungry and had not had dinner yet. I ordered dinner for her and we sat chatting. She told me she was disappointed that her Dad was dating. She said she was waiting for her Dad to come home one day this week and fell asleep. She woke up when the garage door opened at 630 am. He was just getting home. What parent leaves their child home all night alone!? This is the man that fought to have custody! I was so disgusted. I told Sd it is not ok for you to be home alone overnight. If it happens again call me and I will come get you. She feels neglected and not love able because she doesn't understand why her life is so different from her friends. It breaks my heart. I told her that her Dad does love her but is not behaving in a way a parent should. I told her she is loved and I will personally kick is a$$ if he leaves her overnight alone again. Grrrrrrrr! This MLC bs is so wrong!
He finally showed up at my place to get her at 10.15pm. He was chatty and wanted to stay. She was exhausted. I was friendly but not overly. He hugged me hello and goodbye and in the past I would have been so happy. Tonight I did the Half hug pat on the back. Lol.
I really feel detached. I have lost so much respect for this man.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
1) Forget about H. Seriously. File for divorce if it benefits you financially, stay as you are if it benefits you. (If you're getting close to 10 years married, wait until after 10 years if you can - gives you the option to collect on his social security benefits later if you want.)
2) Focus on SD. You are now the closest thing this girl has to a mother and she NEEDS you. See if you can get H to agree to a visitation schedule. Take as much time with her as you can get. She's vulnerable and at risk. And read him the riot act about leaving a 13 year old girl all alone overnight. I know you probably don't have a legal right to visitation (but check with a lawyer) but he may well let you step up to the plate anyway if he's that selfish right now.
Thanks Cadet. I have read all the attachments you add to the welcome threads plus read many of the other threads old and new. I found them very helpful as it is so hard at first to grasp what is happening in MLC land. Knowledge is power. I may not like it but at least now I understand it.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I agree my focus has to be on SD. I'm close to her maternal Grandma and we are doing our best to be there for SD.
We do have a legal seperation agreement and I did make him add a clause that allows SD access to me and the right to see me. When I left the home it broke my heart to leave her behind. I try to see her once a week and at that time thought if her Mother takes her one day, grandma talks her one day and I take her one day it will work out. Who knew her Mother was going to pass six months after I left.
All our finances were dealt with in the seperation agreement. He still owes me 75k that he has until July to pay me. He bought me out of my half of the house and I had used some money my Dad had left me in his Will to support us when H had lost his job. He makes much more money than I do and we had no prenup so he was lucky that I was fair and reasonable. I had also left most of the furniture behind. My plan is to file for divorce after he pays me out.
I know if I say anything right now about him not coming home he will deny it or say SD was exaggerating he got home earlier. Then he will give her crap for telling me. I told her that the next time he's out really late to call me and I will come get her. Or maybe I will just go there and sleep on the couch. If I catch him he can't deny and then I can say something.
She's the sweetest young woman too. All she wants is to be loved and supported. My family all think of her as part of our family. My kids are aged 32-25 and think of her as a little sister. shes coming over again Sunday for my eldest sons 32 birthday.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
1) Forget about H. Seriously. File for divorce if it benefits you financially, stay as you are if it benefits you. (If you're getting close to 10 years married, wait until after 10 years if you can - gives you the option to collect on his social security benefits later if you want.)
2) Focus on SD. You are now the closest thing this girl has to a mother and she NEEDS you. See if you can get H to agree to a visitation schedule. Take as much time with her as you can get. She's vulnerable and at risk. And read him the riot act about leaving a 13 year old girl all alone overnight. I know you probably don't have a legal right to visitation (but check with a lawyer) but he may well let you step up to the plate anyway if he's that selfish right now.
I agree 100% with KML.
Your SD needs a parent. If her mom is not around or is incapable of providing the support and love that SD needs, then I would contact a L or see if you can get your H to agree that on X days SD is with you.
Quote:
I know if I say anything right now about him not coming home he will deny it or say SD was exaggerating he got home earlier. Then he will give her crap for telling me. I told her that the next time he's out really late to call me and I will come get her. Or maybe I will just go there and sleep on the couch. If I catch him he can't deny and then I can say something.
You can confront him about it - I suspect you are correct he will deny and then b*tch to SD about it. Personally, I would save her the grief of having to deal with a selfish dad right now. Maybe...SD would agree to stay with you on X days so that she has some consistency in her life.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
SD's mother passed away unexpectedly 6 months after her Dad and I seperated. Her maternal Grandma and Grandpa do also get visits and take SD every other weekend. I am close to the Grandma and we do our best to make up for the loss of her Mother.
The only one that has legal rights to SD is her Dad. He has soul custody. He is also the only living parent. i could fight for the right to see her only because I had it added into our agreement. Thus far he does cooperate with allowing her visits.
SD will tell us if this happens again. He knows it's wrong and would not want me or the Grandparents knowing. He tried to cover himself by lying to SD. If I pick her up if he's late at night and he then is caught I will be having a chat with him. Hopefully he doesn't repeat this. SD is at an age where she needs more not less supervison.
The problem with MLC is it brings out the worst behaviors. He used to be a good Dad. It's really sad.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
