a young man with hope II

[lnlyshp]

Hello all. Just checking in.

S is doing well. We are both sick at the moment (cough and chills) - hoping we can both get better soon.

I am doing okay. The semester is nearly over (feels like I've been through this before - shows how long I've been dealing with divorce). But I have a decent shot at finishing with all A's and I'm proud of that.

Was my birthday earlier this week and I felt the need to call W. Basically proceeded to embarrass myself. Cried over the phone. Wish I hadn't called. Just wanted to talk to her on my birthday. Stupid stupid stupid. I've learned this lesson before. I don't understand what it is about that is unable to retain this information or stick to the plan.

Just wish I could disappear sometimes.

[Vanilla]

Just raising a toast to you Ins. Fantastic achievement on the studies and happy birthday.


Let yourself off the hook for the call to W. Move on, smile, and get those exams free and clear.

BTW do not disappear!

((((Hugs & S))))))


V

[mahhhty]

Just raising a toast to you Ins. Fantastic achievement on the studies and happy birthday.


Let yourself off the hook for the call to W. Move on, smile, and get those exams free and clear.

BTW do not disappear!

((((Hugs & S))))))


V

V is right. You should give yourself more credit. You are a strong man! A smart man learns from his mistakes, a wise man learns from others. Use the birthday hiccup, as a learning experience. As school wraps up, try to embrace this board again. It will prove to be cathartic, and it can curb you from reaching out to your W.

Keep posting my friend!

[lnlyshp]

Hello all.

Found my journal from when STBX first left. There's about 2 months of entries there, the last one in January. I think that is when I lost my way. It is clear reading through all of it that I had a plan - and even though it didn't work how I wanted - I was becoming a better person. I got depressed. I stopped working out. I turned back to the bad habits that caused me to hate myself. One passage in particular struck me really hard:

"Dec 14 - At the end of the day what am I left with? "S", Family, Hope & Love. I hope for a new beginning with "W". I love from afar. I will keep the door open with the light on. I hope I continue to improve myself. I hope I find strength enough to forgive myself and get through this. I hope I can begin to move on in my new life."

I don't know when I stopped thinking like that. I don't know when I turned back to being so negative or starting to feel hate towards STBX. I don't know when I got off of the DB track - but I certainly have. I don't have any hope to reconcile relationship anymore these days, but I want to go back to improving myself and becoming a better person.

I have lost my way and I hope to find it again soon. I need to pull myself out of this.

- ship

[lnlyshp]

Been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.

I have changed since STBX left in November. I am more empathetic now, I think. I know what it is like to be at rock bottom, so I feel for those who are struggling in their life in a way that I really didn't understand before. I think that is a good quality to have gained.

Talking everything slow these days. I may have said this already, but when I was "on the right track" in terms of DB, I was kind and calm regardless of the reactions and attitude that I got from her. Nowadays I'm more reserved and distant, if not flat out cold. The sad thing is is that she's actually been kinder to me than she was when she left but I just won't have it. Too angry still. Too hurt. Too embarrassed. I think it's a way to protect myself. I went for a few months believing that I could win her back and show her that I could change for the better and when it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen - all of the negative set in and I was crushed all over again. Like I wrote in the Discussion on Forgiveness thread, I haven't found a way to forgive her for leaving or to forgive myself for all the things I did and didn't do that lead up to the dissolving of our marriage.

Still - I am in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I felt no hope then. Now I am at least trying to picture a better future for myself. Maybe not the ambitious one I saw when I first set out DBing, but one that I can survive in.

Talked with STBX about things today. She was surprised since, like I said, I don't usually want to talk. I apologized for not having been so nice to her lately. She asserted that she wants us to have a good working relationship (tears in her eyes). Instinct took over and I wiped the tears away and put my hand on her back. She hugged me. We haven't hugged in months. Come to think of it, nobody has hugged me except S in months. Underrated human interaction, that. I didn't realize how much I missed it until she did.

Good night all.
- ship

[mahhhty]

I'm glad you are back my friend. The trick for you will be to stay here. It important to sustain the effort, but definitely give yourself some lenience.

Try to remember that forgiving her, is a gift you give to yourself not to her. Don't forgive her b/c she wants you too. Forgive her b/c it is what you should do to get yourself happy.

[mahhhty]

More posts my man. How are you?

[Vanilla]

Ins

This is a journey not a destination. It matters only that you travel your journey and grow and develop becoming a man only a fool would leave.

The wonderful dad that you are shines bright.

It's ok not to forgive in my book that's ok. The hard thing is to let go of the resentment as that will eat you up and may encourage you to self sabatoge. It may mean passive aggressive stances and damage.

Forgiveness like love is a choice, an action that is possible. Some things cannot be forgiven and to do so may be damaging. To forget may also be difficult too. You can tell yourself I don't need to forgive, it's helpful to me and I can chose to do it. When I am ready then I can choose to forgive because otherwise I can't co parent my beautiful lovely son as effectively. I can choose to forgive for S sake but right now I choose not too. But I can decide and most likely will do that, but in the meantime I like not forgiving, it protects me and serves a purpose.

It's ok you know to be disappointed, out of this you have learned that a PMA is essential to Ins.

V

[Sherman333]

but I often feel uncomfortable giving advice to those older than me in a subject I don't feel I'm doing very well at.

My 7 year old son has provided me with wisdom from time to time. I wouldn't worry about it. If you aren't sure, just ask it as a question and let the other person decide.

[mahhhty]

There is a lot of truth in V's post

"Forgiveness like love is a choice, an action that is possible. Some things cannot be forgiven and to do so may be damaging. To forget may also be difficult too. You can tell yourself I don't need to forgive, it's helpful to me and I can chose to do it. When I am ready then I can choose to forgive because otherwise I can't co parent my beautiful lovely son as effectively. I can choose to forgive for S sake but right now I choose not too. But I can decide and most likely will do that, but in the meantime I like not forgiving, it protects me and serves a purpose.
"