I wanted to write a little about detachment, if I may.
There are reasons why your spouse feels the way he or she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are their feelings so they are valid to them.
When you keep on telling him or her how you feel, you are invalidating their feelings. You are telling them, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.
I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to stop them from hanging on.
When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.
When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space…you heard them.
You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.
When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.
It is a mindset, you know. A choice, this letting go. It is a prayer to your spouse, to the universe.
It is saying that I hear what you are saying, I see that you are hurting, I understand that you need to do this and I love you enough to support you.
It is in the holding on by us, that can stop the forward motion in them. They cannot be free to take those steps, if they are looking over their shoulders at you.
An amazing thing happens when you finally do let go. They feel lighter, but, so do you. You are no longer bound by their actions or their words. You are no longer tied to their emotions. And so, you are free to find your path, your voice, your strengths.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love them, it means you love them very much.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and learn to believe that you love and honor the relationship enough to want your spouse to be happy, in spite of what may happen.
But what it really says is that you honor you, and trust in you, have faith in you. So much so that you are willing to do the work, find your way, become who you were meant to be. And that maybe, you will find your way back to each other. And if you don’t, you will be ok.
I think that we should just do the very best we can. And maybe, if we are very lucky, happiness and peace comes from knowing we did.
