barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

New thread #7

Link to end of #6
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2525341#Post2525341

Thanks for everyone's helpful words!!
Cheers

[u-turn]

So I've got signs that things are going well - if I ignore the signs that things aren't going so well.

I was running the kids around yesterday and last night (swim meets, dinner, friends houses). When I finally came home to relax, W was asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Not unusual as she is still sick or sick again. She woke up and went to bed. I still had to stay up because I had to go back out and pick up the kids.

This morning, she told me she wanted to ask me to lay on the couch with her but didn't know what I would say.

I told her that I didn't know and that I am confused by all of this.

She said she knows - and that's why she didn't ask. She teared up a little.

She told me that she is confused too. She also said that she "threw it all away and she doesn't want to throw it all away".

She knows that I am still unsure of everything. I know she is confused too.

I want to re-visit this by telling her that she can clean this all up if she chose to. I think she knows that I can forgive her and move forward, but I really don't think she is getting beyond OM.

Today - a little GAL - going to meet my brother to watch football and meet his new wife. (strange story there)

Carry on!

[u-turn]

More good and bad signs (I am still trying to file away the bad signs and not focus on them)

She is still pursuing and I feel like it is almost too fast. She is definitely trying to have more physical touch with me - not sexual, but just hugging, she layered with me on the couch, she wanted me to hold her in bed - good signs and normal prior to BD. She complimented me for some of my work.

She really seems to be trying to reconnect with us. She ended up going with me to see my brother - and that went really well. I had a lot of fun and showed her an outgoing and fun me.

These are good signs:

bad sign (maybe just weird): she brought a shirt home to wash and give back to OM. This could be an indication that she is parting ways with him. She'd have no reason to tell me about it or could have hidden it from me. She does not and never has "rubbed my nose" in this. She seems to be being honest with me just to be honest with me.

She is away at a business meeting for two nights. This was usually her time to see OM. I don't know now.

So much I don't know.

I do get to spend a lot of time with kids which is great.

[NewB3]

My WAW did a lot of the physical stuff (non-sexual too) while it was nice, hers was not so much pursuing, as reaching out to comfort and not feel so guilty. I did not make much of it, but your situation is better than mine in that regard.

Take it slow and let her come to you. If you pursue, she will pull back.

Good luck

[u-turn]

I don't know how to trust her any more. She knows exactly how to move me.

There are just too many signs that she is playing me. I don't know if I can just ignore them.

I don't know how to begin trusting her. There never will be transparency. e-mail, text, phone access will never help me or her. They don't need those things to continue as they have been.

Until she no longer works with him there is no hope (and even then it is all too easy for them to continue) - it's all just a game.

There is nothing I can do about this - I feel like a fool again. Why do I keep doing this to myself and not stay strong. I need it beaten into my head that this is over and she just needs to leave. My desire to have the life that once was keeps me from acting on it. But it is time.

[Starsky309]

U,

Trying to circle back and catch up on your sitch. Things really seemed to take a positive turn for you when you stood up to her on 1/4 - 1/5, and now I see you're reeling again. Trying to remember: did she agree to NC and transparency with you back then?

Starsky

[u-turn]

She never did. NC is not possible at this point and we both know it. Since they work together, she would have to quit her job. There is a possibility of facility changes in March where they possibly wouldn't work together.

transparency has not specifically been discussed recently.

I am reeling again, because I don't know if I can trust her movements toward me - and I hate being like this.

She has not specifically said that she wants to work on our R or that she'll do anything. Nothing like that. She doesn't tell me anything like that. and I do not want to tell her what I would want to hear - she'd likely just repeat it back to me. I know she is confused - as I am too.

[u-turn]

I don't think I should push or mention that it would be a good thing for her to quit her job - this would be a lot of control over her. This job means a lot to her (possibly more than our R but not our M - if that makes sense).

[Starsky309]

I don't think I should push or mention that it would be a good thing for her to quit her job - this would be a lot of control over her. This job means a lot to her (possibly more than our R but not our M - if that makes sense).

No, that would need to come when SHE asks YOU what it will take. And then it would absolutely need to happen. Continued contact with him is going to keep her brain all awash with PEAs, and continue to sabotage any recovery efforts of yours. As long as she's in contact with him, she's going to be blocked to you emotionally.


Starsky

[u-turn]

Talk about a catch-22. I don't see a way to move this. That is what is hitting me again.

I could see where her niceness leads - maybe she wants a way back or sees a way back. Let her take (or keep) the lead. Take my time - give her more time. I'm not convinced by her niceness right now (it feels good, but I'd prefer honesty).

or

I can proceed with disassembling everything because she is already gone and just trying to stay nice to hold the family together and keep her double life as long as possible.

I would prefer to know what her real intentions are, but asking is not advised and I would have to trust that answer.