Starting a new thread as the old one is about to lock.
Have been feeling pretty solid for a full month - definitely on the upswing.
Then this morning I woke up with STBX on the brain after a night of intense dreaming and I can't seem to shake him. Oddly, I'm back to feeling mostly kind of sorry for him.
I've said before that I don't really miss my husband - and that is still the case. Since he started the first affair two years ago, he has basically followed the "textbook" of treating me badly, being hostile, pushing me away, finding fault with everything I did etc. and honestly, who would miss that?
But the thing is, my STBX is not a jerk. And truthfully, in addition to loving him, I always really liked him. I've read other people's threads about how maybe the marriage was never really fulfilling. I can honestly say I was very happy most of the time (last two years excluded). When he left, he made several comments verbally and in writing about how "he couldn't believe he had turned into this guy", "he was no longer the man he once was" and that "he was a failure as a husband and father". He has since stated that "he knows this is all his fault and that he has done a terrible thing". I have no idea how sincere any of this is. My friends IRL seem to think he's just trying to get me to feel sorry for him. And yes, he has spewed a little bit since BD, but not really very much (and the stuff he has brought up has largely been nonsensical or ancient history).
I guess I feel some more sympathy for him sneaking in. I hate what he has done. I feel like he has thrown away a lot, but at this moment and time - I guess I can see the hurt he is feeling, even if I believe it is largely self imposed.
I don't trust him right now. I don't know him right now. I can't bring myself to forgive yet. But I'm glad I'm not in his shoes.
Wow...I could have written that exact post! I am so glad that there are others like you here for me to learn from and grow with. Hang in there!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Great post. I just had a Congo with my STBXW this morning where she was actually crying about how difficult her life is right now. She asked for this life...I agree with you post.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Raliced, I sense a shift in your attitude towards your H. I think it's a good one.
Thanks Rpp - but I doubt it will last. Saw him this morning when he picked up girls and while I still feel some sympathy, I find I am completely lacking in empathy.
He still can't look me in the eye and only responds to what I tell him (D6 needs a lunch on Thursdays because she doesn't like the school lunch etc). He never initiates any kind of conversation. He just seems to ooze guilt and shame (he even literally keeps his head down when he's around). I don't get how you can feel so badly about something and still do it.
I still feel the urge to help him somehow but it's his mess to clean up - I have enough of my own work to do.
I tremble to introduce the topic of laundry again but here goes...I did think about asking him not to do the girls laundry again. The detergent OW uses has such a powerful scent that even after I wash their clothes, it sticks around and transfers to all the other clothes in the dryer. I feel like I am getting whiffs of "Eau de OW" all day.
Just tell him you would appreciate him sending their clothes home in a Dirty clothes bag and you'll. Wash them unless they need something urgently while they stay with him. You don't have to explain it in any detail.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Have clothes at their house and clothes at your house.
I hated scented anything but it's a crazymaker for people when you bring it up. They get offended and while I wouldn't let that bother me in most situations, this is different. You've got a long life ahead with him and maybe her.
Keep the clothes in a bag in the garage and let those be the ones you send back next time.
If the Ds are allergic, that's another thing.
Control what you can control. Let the rest go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You know - I can see and talk to STBX without butterflies anymore - but when I saw that email come up - I almost threw up. Would really, really, really like to get everything completed. (STBX and I agreed on everything two months ago and his lawyer is just supposed to be drawing up the papers).
They wanted to know about the retirement acct that he cashed out and how much of it he gave me. STBX had not disclosed any of this to him (I doubt it was malicious - I think he just saw it as "his" retirement acct rather than a marital asset. I let them know about it when I corrected a few other mistakes in his initial filing).I replied that they would need to ask their client since I have no idea how much of the money he has given me since BD came from that and how much came from his regular paycheck. You'd think they would start by asking him!
Anyway - I generally think I'm doing pretty good - but then something like this happens and all I can say is that for a minor transaction, that was an extremely powerful and unpleasant adrenaline rush. I need to let go of my fear that he will suddenly want to alter the terms of our agreement. I think about it every day.
Raliced, as comfortable as I am with S, I know that should H decide to pursue something legal, I'll be in a tailspin again. It's just a whole different ballgame. I think you are handling it well.
