I really think my W is dealing with MLC and is not a WAW because of the symptoms I am witnessing in her behavior.
We are headed toward separation (which means divorce because we are an unmarried same-sex couple), and we have started JC (at my request) to have a safe space with a third-party to help us hashout the details of the S.
As a result of my refusal to leave the house right now (I am underemployed and seeking full-time employment but that could take a few months.) my STBX has stated that she needs to go on a week-and-a-half-long "silent retreat" to "get her head right" -- but has also stated that this is not intended to help us as a couple. She just needs time and space away form me.
I know there has been an EA ongoing since October with OW who lives in another country. OW is also 20 years younger than my W -- classic MLC affair.
I suspect that the "silent retreat" is actually going to be a romantic getaway for both of them -- which will move the EA to a PA.
I have confronted her twice (once at the end of October and once in December on the evening she finally told me that she is "done" with us and wants a S) about the EA/OW and she denied it both time saying "we are just friends." I know that is BS -- I have evidence in the form of photos of emails and letters/cards that they have mailed to each other.
We have our next JC on Monday. We have both stated that we hope to improve our communication and to build a friendship with each other for the sake of being able to successfully co-parent our three kids.
So here is my question...
At our next JC, I am tempted to say that in order for us to be friends, I need complete honesty. What I want to say is:
"I need complete honesty from you going forward. I know that you and OW are more than just friends. You have denied this twice, but both times I know you were lying. I am already dealing with the pain from knowing about your R with OW, so being honest with me now can't hurt me more than I am already hurt. I just need to know that you can be honest with me so that we can begin to rebuild the trust we will need to co-parent the kids together."
BUT -- I'm afraid that this will be viewed by her as more pressure which we are not supposed to put on our MLCer, right?
Should I just forget the idea of trying to get her to be honest about this, move forward knowing that the EA (soon-to-be-PA, probably) does exist, and just continue 180, GAL, DBing with as much patience and tough love as possible?
Even if I do ask her to be honest about that... I am unsure whether or not to ask if the "silent retreat" is actually a trip to see OW. I don't think I could ask that without it coming out with some bitterness and anger. I am being agreeable to letting her go on the "silent retreat" and have seen that my agreeable behavior has at least calmed down the monster for a couple of days (she's actually being somewhat nice to me which is a welcome change from the past couple of weeks.)
I do know that I can do nothing to stop or end the A. It will have to come to its own eventual demise in time and I just have to be patient for that time to come and hope that at some point in the future after that my MLCer can finally make her way out of the fog and the tunnel... To hope for that, but also realize it may never happen.
Thanks for any advice you can give!
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks for all of the links! Have read through some of those and will continue reading.
The tips at the end of your post are helpful as well and I think they answer my question: I should not ask the question that I want to ask because it could be viewed as more pressure.
Instead: Detach and act "as if"... I can't stop the EA anyway and I already know it's going on (and may soon be a PA), so no need to add more pressure that will push my W further away. (She's already decided on leaving anyway)
Just got home from getting a very cute new haircut and found a package of some fun new clothes that I ordered (on sale) -- feeling very good right now :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I'll reiterate my earlier statement to cancel all JC sessions and let W see her own IC. One final thing is that it's best for you to stick to one thread and I'm thinking this is the one to stay with since W is a MLCer. Make sense?
J, when you look at these kinds of questions - ask yourself what you'll get from asking. Often with stuff like this (MLC) you'll get a face full of anger and then some. You also won't get honesty in most cases.
Also, be kind to yourself - you only know what you know. Don't assume anything and don't try to guess.
You either keep standing for your marriage or you pack her things while she's gone "to get her head straight". Don't oscillate between the two as that will tear you up and wear you down.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wonka -- yes, makes sense about the JC and about the thread. Will continue here from here on out...
AJM -- Thanks for the additional thoughts on "questions." I have decided that it isn't productive for me to question her about this. I do know the EA is occurring and I accept that asking her about it won't make it end. Will try to avoid guessing about the "silent retreat." I do understand, from all of my reading, that the EA is an addiction right now.
I do intend to stand, although I do realize that I may be standing for much longer than I hope.
But while I am standing I'll be doing everything I can to take care of myself and my kids. I love the Lighthouse story (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619) and want to be that for my W when/if she wakes up from this MLC fog.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
It's critically important that you don't just stand still waiting on W to "wake up" for it'll be a looking process. Get busy living and do more GAL activities for you and the kiddos.
Yes, I understand that. In fact, going out tomorrow night for a retirement party for a good friend of mine and planning to stay out as late as I want :-) (She will be at home with the kids.)
Definitely doing things with the kids as well, but I also know that beyond tomorrow night's event I also need to be finding more opportunities to do stuff on my own with some of my friends and will be doing that going forward.
Definitely not planning on sitting still and just waiting. She is nowhere close to "waking up" yet and I know that is going to be a long process... if she ever does "wake up."
Had a good IC session today focused on how I can hold my own in more difficult conversations in order to be able to set some boundaries and stand up for my needs as well as what is best for the kids going forward.
Now I just really need to see some progress (for my own sake) with regard to the employment situation. I am hoping that the retirement party tomorrow night will provide some networking opps in addition to just some fun reconnecting with friends.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Update: Have confirmed that her upcoming "silent retreat" is indeed a trip out of the country to meet up with OW.
Oddly, I don't feel as sick about this as I thought I would. I feel no need to confront her about it. I know the truth, and confronting her about it will only make her want to go even more.
I am feeling disappointed in her for making such a reckless move. She can't tell anyone where she is going -- so there will be no way for us to contact her if there is a life or death emergency here at home with me or with the kids. The chances of that are highly unlikely, but my W -- who she was before MLC -- would never do something like this. It is reckless -- and very expensive (for someone who is expressing to me so many concerns about money and my dependence on her financially...)
I do know how to contact the OW if there really is a huge emergency (as in me or one of the kids seriously injured or hospitalized), and I do have family here that I can rely on... So it's not that big of a deal if there is an emergency, but this is still so out of character for my W.
As for my feelings right now... I'm actually doing pretty good. I suspected this anyway so it's not a shock. It is what it is. I can only hope and pray for a safe trip -- and of course, that once they are together in person that one or both have a wake up call about the situation. As for me, while she is away, I will embrace my children and shower them with my love while I continue working on myself and reaching out to my network to find a new full-time position.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Your W is on a journey of exploration. I really doubt how they can sustain their A for the long term when on two different continents. No worries. Although I must warn you that she may go all monster on you when she returns from the trip.
MLCers spend money like water when it comes to OW/OM. I'd suggest that you get your own banking account to protect your assets. There have been too many stories here when the MLCer has raided all of the accounts and credit cards thus depleting funds. Not a pretty picture.
When W prepares to leave, just calmly ask her for emergency numbers in the event of an emergency. She will most likely refuse and bite your head off. Just calmly say "okay, I'm sad to hear this." Then walk away.
