W was raped by older brother repeatedly from age 11 to 15, father beat up mother on several occasions. W had PA and D me in 05. I DB from BD in 04 and after the D. OM was out of the picture abt 3 mo after D. W lost the house to foreclosure abt 8 mo after D. W went to rehab for addiction to hydrocodone and other drugs abt 3 mos after D.
We remarried in 07, 2nd M much better, however she has relapsed on pain killers several times. She was sexually attacked by a coworker, this triggered PTSD and shortly after was admitted to a mental hospital . Now she dropped the bomb again after two mos of therapy with a new therapist.
Can DBing work again w/mental illnesses?
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Dec 10 text from W about how great morning sex was. Texts back and forth during the day of ILYs, sex again when she got home from dinner with her lady boss. W gets bad rash over entire body, Drs think it's contagious so no sex since then. 12/18 W wants me to go live family so she can heal during IC, it think she has OM so it leads to big argument and by 12/26 she wants D.
I don't want D again and I am devastated.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Are you happy in your life with her? Personally, I would run for the hills. That sounds like a nightmare. I guess you should ask yourself what you want your life to look like in the next few years, and ask yourself if the person your wife has become can be a part of that picture, realistically. I don't advocate leaving someone due to mental illness, but one of the few times divorce is recommended is when there is drug abuse involved.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm not happy with the current situation and I do worry about the future if she backs away from wanting the D. From the outside almost everyone says run for the hills, even my children. I do have a special needs D20 that I take care of and she just wants her parents together.
I believe the mental illnesses contributes to the drug addiction, so even with the relapses I don't know if I want to give up. Without W in my life it would probably be easier, except for caring for my SND20. I am a stay at home dad because of my SND20. I do have royalty income that has allowed me the privilege of caring for her.
I still love my W, it's difficult to stay or run for the hills.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
From DBing before I know I am doing a very poor job of it. I told W that if she can honestly say I am no longer her BF and she doesn't want to be around me to go ahead a D me.
Here is a few more things that occurred before BD. W worked out of town the last two wks of Sept. She talked w/me almost every minute she wasn't working. Then one day she calls during work hrs confessing she was being blackmailed by an old classmate. She made a video with sexual content for me but also sent the same video to the old classmate. He wanted more and she refused so he threatened to tell me. She got pain killers for her nose that was cracked and took too many to know what she was doing. W chose to get IC on her own for the relapse and the undesirable conduct. The months of Oct and Nov were great, fun dates and more sex than our entire M. She buys an 8k wedding ring for her and a 2k one for me, using her money.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
We are still living together in separate bedrooms though. I still do everything a butler would do, except deliver the meals to her office/bedroom. She eats the leftovers from the meals I cook.
Is it time to 180 and stop washing her laundry and prepare less food so there is no leftovers? In seven yrs she has cooked maybe once a yr and I don't recall her doing any laundry.
Her suv is broke down, I probably can do the repairs but won't unless she asks me to.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I still do everything a butler would do, except deliver the meals to her office/bedroom. She eats the leftovers from the meals I cook.
Is it time to 180 and stop washing her laundry and prepare less food so there is no leftovers? In seven yrs she has cooked maybe once a yr and I don't recall her doing any laundry.
Her suv is broke down, I probably can do the repairs but won't unless she asks me to.
Sorry you are going through this. It just sounds like nothing but a pure nightmare.
This may be irrelevant but why did she feel the need to send the video to both you and the old classmate? I would have thought that simply telling you would be suffice. However,if it's the video of their encounter it sounds like a way to hurt you more. If I'm understanding that part correctly.
I don't know much about PTSD and understand she has been through a lot but does she not know the difference between right and wrong?
I think at the end of the day you need to decide if this is worth DB'ing again. Outside looking in (which is always much easier than living it) it would seem that until she gets the help she needs and all her issues sorted out that you will keep repeating this process. You have to protect yourself.
Wow...you know I had a Mother that was addicted to alcohol for most of my life and a younger brother that was addicted to drugs and alchol. Have you joined any support groups for families of addicts? I highly suggest you do if you haven't. Otherwise you tend to fall into the co-dependent tendencies. If your wife is still using then you are talking to the addiction. It sounds like you are so used to the merry go round that you have lost sight of what healthy is.
My advice would be join a support group for families of addicts. Read DR and DB. GAL and a PMA. You will be ok no matter what happens. We only get one life. Live yours. Your wife sounds like she needs lots of help. Help that is beyond you. Give her the space to get that help. She won't be motivated to do that if you continue to rescue her and prevent her from suffering from the consequences of her own behavior.
She couldn't control what happened in her life when she was young. She can now get help and move towards a healthier happier life. I stepped back from my own Mother when she was drinking and I had kids of my own. She did sober up for ten years before she passed. My brother I don't have a relationship with. His addictions won. I don't harbor any anger and hope he's safe. I'm close to my other two brothers.
The serenity prayer always helps me. If you don't believe in God replace with higher power or whatever your belief is.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
