Can't believe I'm here...

[Jer2911]

I never in a million years would have thought I would be joining a forum like this.

I thought my partner and I had what it takes to be together through all of the ups and downs that we would face together as a couple and as a family.

Sadly, I didn't realize that despite who she once was (up until a few months ago) and what she always told me about her love for me and her commitment to me, that she would have a MAJOR MLC that would turn our lives completely upside down.

Bomb Drop was during the week of October 27, 2014. I can't pinpoint an exact date because I the BD was an accidental discovery on my part and it took a few days -- and that entire week and the few weeks following are a complete blur to me now.

I will spare everyone the details of how I had a complete nervous breakdown and lost 25 lbs. in a little over a month -- I think everything I went through is what everyone else has gone through following BD.

Before I continue -- my partner is female and so am I. We are not legally married, but have always considered ourselves married despite the legal status (not legal in our state yet).

We have been together for almost 10 years.

In that time we have had 3 children together. I gave birth to one and she gave birth to twins.

Everyone around us has always looked up to us a such a perfect family -- happily in love and happily raising three wonderful kids together.

Picture perfect.

Until the end of October.

Now... According to her...

I am the entire source of her unhappiness. She has never really loved me, is not in love with me now, and can never fall in love with me again.

She wants a separation -- which means permanent separation just like a divorce. She has no intention of even trying to make things work between us.

She believes the kids will be better off with us apart than if we remained together in a "loveless" relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar to everyone else here? Sadly, I'm sure it does.

I also know for a fact that she has an online EA with an OW who is MUCH younger and lives in a different country. I see this as an escape fantasy for her.

As I read through the stages of MLC, I think -- THINK -- that she is currently in Replay considering the fact that she is involved with the EA/OW.

She completely denies the EA and says the OW is "just a friend."

She wants to get through with the separation as quickly as possible. I really believe she has a fantasy of moving the OW here and then entering into a real R with the OW once I am out of the picture.

We go on Monday to our first joint therapy session to begin discussing the terms of the separation (my request). I have requested this -- and will make other demands -- under the argument that I am not being given a choice in the outcome, therefore, I will have some choice in the process and terms of the separation.

I am also meeting secretly with a friend of mine who practices family law specifically focused on the issues faced by same-sex couples.

I have been in IC since the beginning of November, have been seeing my doctor reguarly, and am on anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds (which have been a lifesaver through this). I have also started some spiritual counseling to help me get through this with a stronger faith in God.

My partner has been in IC since mid-December -- but I suspect she isn't taking it as seriously as she should be. She started going at the request of her mom and her half-brother (both of whom I am also in private conversations with around this MLC -- both of them are seriously concerned about her mental state and are in full agreement that this is a major MLC). However, I think she is just using the IC as a place to sort through how she plans to get me out of the house and away from her and the kids. As for the kids -- we are both legal parents of all three (went through second-parent adoptions right after all were born.) -- so I do intend to fight for joint-custody.

I expect she is going to try to buy me out of our home -- a custom home we built about 6 years ago that we both intended to "grow old in". This is our/my dream home... and I know I should just get over the emotional attachment to it (which certainly doesn't compare to the love I have for my partner and children)... but losing the house hurts as well.

I do feel a great deal of anger over how I am being treated in all of this. I have been nothing but loving, loyal, and everything I thought she wanted/needed in a partner/wife for life. I am being treated as if I have been abusive, disloyal, a cheater, and a liar.

I realize that all of this is part of the MLC. But it hurts.

The spiritual counseling has been helpful in helping me to realize that the only hope for any reconciliation is for us to go through with the separation. She won't "wake up" from any of this until she has to live the reality that she thinks she wants and sees that the unhappiness really has nothing to do with me.

I know that she may never emerge from the tunnel. But I also know that I have to let her go with love at this time.

I am so sad over this.

Fortunately, I do have a strong support network of family and friends.

I have joined this site as a way to expand that network to include others who have gone through this or who are going through this. I am here to learn, to vent, to document my growth, and -- hopefully -- to one day share a success story of reconciliation with a MLC spouse.

I'll end this with a huge wish for all of us that 2015 will be a better year for everyone.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Jer2911]

Thanks!

I forgot to add that I am working hard on 180 and GAL. Detaching is hard, but I am working on that with some awesome support from a couple of close family members and friends.

Big challenge in not believing what she says and does -- but I am trying to remember that rewriting history is part of the MLC script.

[Cadet]

I am trying to remember that rewriting history is part of the MLC script.

Yes it is.

I am hoping that Wonka will see your thread and pipe in with her thoughts, also Naj1964 is a relative newbie like you.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518763#Post2518763

Keep posting!

[Ahoy]

Jer, sorry you are facing this. Know that you are not alone and have plenty of company here. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to take care of yourself, which is good. You were right in that you need to examine your attachments (to the house and your partner) and be prepared to let those go. But you're right to fight for a role with the children, as this is about responsibility and unconditional love, and you should absolutely pursue what is in their best interests.

I understand how hard it is to relinquish the illusion of the life we once led. But it is exactly that -- an illusion. We were not given access to what was really going on behind the scenes, and now we have to make a dramatic shift in our lives. You will come through it fine. The one thing I can say is that you are likely to feel quite differently about your partner in a few months. I'm six months out from having my life ripped apart, and I can honestly say that I'm now happier and prepared for independence, and I've grown in ways -- for the better -- that I could not have predicted. You will too. Stay strong.

[Jer2911]

Thank you all for the support. As I read these messages I felt hugs coming from my computer screen and it brought tears to my eyes.

I am determined to get through this and be a stronger, better version of myself -- regardless of the outcome.

Our joint therapy session yesterday was tense and emotional (as I expected). We go again next Monday. As I suspected, she wants to buy me out of my portion of the house -- and had already picked out some houses for rent in our neighborhood. I just said I need time to review my options -- but also stated my concern about letting her co-sign a lease for me right now... Would prefer to not move out until I am fully employed and have no need for anyone to co-sign. She doesn't want to wait that long.

This morning she asked me if it would be okay if she went away for about a week at the end of this month for a "silent retreat" -- meaning off-the-grid. I said yes. She started crying and said she is just in a really dark place right now and needs to get away from everything in order to "get my head right". For the record, this is the first time she has cried or shown any real emotion around me since BD.

I was very agreeable to her request. I don't know if it is really a retreat or if she is planning to travel to spend a week with the OW and move the EA to a PA. I'm at a point where I don't care -- I can't stop her from going to meet the OW in person if that is what she wants to do... I'm guessing this is a step towards me detaching?

Anyway -- thank you all for the support! It does help and is so appreciated :-)

[Wonka]

Hiya, Jer!

I'm sorry that you're here under very trying circumstances, but you'll find a great deal of support with a cast worthy of Lifetime movies.

I am a gay woman who had my own MLC who BD on Ms. Wonka's birthday (yeah, I didn't win the Spouse of the Year award) and then Ms. Wonka got involved with OW. We split more than 10 years ago that was extremely painful and traumatic. Like you, I experienced rapid weight loss in the first month after Ms. Wonka moved out. Plus had a pretty severe case of PTSD with horrible flashbacks for about 2 straight months.

There was a gay poster who DB'd brilliantly who is one of the many DB Success Stories and her name is RealityTrip (RT). Cadet, can you please dig up RT's last thread and post the link here? Thanks much! Mwah.

Now let's focus on your situation (sitch).....shall we?

We go on Monday to our first joint therapy session to begin discussing the terms of the separation (my request). I have requested this -- and will make other demands -- under the argument that I am not being given a choice in the outcome, therefore, I will have some choice in the process and terms of the separation.

SLOW DOWN. If you don't want a S, then do not initiate anything. I suggest that you drop this therapy session. Step back and read the DR book in addition to the MLC forum. One thing remember is the MLCer is feeling a ton of pressure which is why they run and aren't interested in therapy because they don't think that the problem lies with them. In their eyes, you are the problem. In their mind, they finger you as the source of their unhappiness. Why? Because you are the 'tangible' source that they can SEE with their own eyes.

Let me reassure you that it is NOT you that is causing W unhappiness. It is all on her. I should know because I've travelled on the MLC mother ship known as U.S.S. Wonkie. I've detailed my own MLC experiences in a thread titled A Voyage Into the MLC Mind. Cadet, can you please help out once again by posting the link to that particular thread? Thanks.

I am also meeting secretly with a friend of mine who practices family law specifically focused on the issues faced by same-sex couples.

I think it is a good idea to meet with a L to get some information. Knowledge is power. It doesn't mean that you have to act right away. File the information away and go about your business.

Do you and W own the house? Are both of your names on the mortgage? Stay in the house. If W has a problem, let her be the one to move out.

Get out and GAL....what are your plans this weekend?

[Wonka]

Jer,

Our joint therapy session yesterday was tense and emotional (as I expected). We go again next Monday.

What kind of therapy is this? What does this person practice? I am concerned as I think this therapy is doing more harm than helping. I take it that this is not to work on the relationship. If yes, I'd break it off and cancel all sessions.

[Cadet]

Realitytrip first thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...095#Post2338095

Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...600#Post2431600

Thanks Wonka for stopping by, now I know she is in good hands!

[Jer2911]

Hi Wonka!

Thanks for the info and advice.

Trust me -- I did not want to go to the therapy sessions this early... My MLCer is determined to do everything as quickly as possible and she was going to IC already. She wanted to begin discussing separation logistics ASAP on our own (which I knew would be horrendous, painful, and not a good situation for me) so I requested that we not begin those discussions until we could do so in JC with a thrid party present. Sooooo... She immediately offered up her very next IC as the first JC session.

We didn't get very far in the session. I do like the therapist -- but of course, she is trying to control everything and keep it moving FAST. I am doing my best to drag it out and it looks like we will be in JC for "separation" for a while. We have a lot of stuff to hashout -- house ownership/buyout (we both own it, but at different percentages because she was paying the full mortgage while I covered some of the utilities -- very unequal income levels), custody and schedule of who gets kids when, changes to wills and other legal docs, etc. Long list of stuff.

Long story to the therapy stuff -- she absolutely needs to be in therapy right now for her own issues. I was/am hoping that the JC can allow us to slow down the separation process. Another goal of the JC going forward is also to help us work on our communication skills with each other and help us move toward being friends who can co-parent our kids in as healthy a manner as possible. However, I do need to figure out a way to shift this back so she is doing IC again at the same time that we are doing JC.

As for me staying in the house... I did state that I don't have to move out (b/c name is on deed), and she immediately got very angry and said "If you want to go there then this can get really ugly really fast" -- which I interpreted to mean she would seek a court order to get me out. She backed off of that when I simply restated my concerns over moving out without being employed full time. This eventually led to her stating that if I am not moving out ASAP then she needs to go off on this "silent retreat."

Not a good sitch at all... Especially since there is no legal marriage in place.

And I definitely understand that I am not the source of her unhappiness. Immediately after BD I noticed a ton of stereotypical MLC behavior -- seriously: the script, younger clothing, new haircut (with light purple highlights), EA w/younger OW... the only thing missing is a little red sports car. So I instantly starting reading everything I could on MLC. I know that I didn't break her and I can't fix her. Now that she is initiating a super-fast separation I am also recognizing patterns with our sitch and her previous relationships... So I know this has to do with unresolved issues from her past and not really with me or our R.

So I'm doing what I can to slow things down -- but also being cautious because if I stall too much it increases her bitterness and anger towards me.