Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[Bob723]

My wife and I have been married 13 ½ years. I am 54 and she is 51. My wife walked away 10 weeks ago yesterday and filed for divorce the next day. I was gone for the weekend to see my son at college and when I got home both she and our dog were gone. We only have one car so I knew something was very wrong. I found out she is staying about 3 ½ hours away with her mom/stepdad. She sent me a text stating “I need space from you now.” We had an argument the previous Thursday night which I started and kept on for about 1 hour. I started it when she was already in bed and she asked me if it could wait until the morning. I felt she lied about something but that gave me no right to be selfish and uncompassionate and kept on. Anyhow, after a few weeks of being separated, our communication increased. My WAW even mentioned several times she was thinking of coming home for a few days to see how things go between us. I agreed and said I would like that. 3 weeks ago yesterday was the last time we spoke on the phone. I really blew it. I asked if she was considering coming home that upcoming weekend and she said “no.” I said I understood and then asked about the next weekend. After a slight pause, she said that she felt like I was pressuring her. I apologized, and mentioned I was under the impression it would be soon. What reason did she give for leaving and filing for divorce? She said she felt smothered by me and couldn’t stand the recent arguments were having. I understand her point on both. She has a neurological disorder so I she would need my help often and I never refused. But it sounds like I overdid it and started, in her opinion, making decisions for her instead of trusting her judgment. Our next court date is in about 1 month. I should mention that she asked me at one point to “get help” because I was under a tremendous about of stress. Like a fool, I did not listen to her. She knows I’m seeing a therapist and I’m on an anti-anxiety medication. She also mentioned many times (early on) to “Don’t give up on yourself.” When I asked if she thought could reconcile someday (I know now, not good to do) she said, “I’m not sure if we can make it. But look at Mike and Gloria (names changed).” Her point was that “Gloria” filed for divorce and at the last moment in court, changed her mind. I have been initiating contact most of the time with texts. I know it’s going to push her further away, so I am on day 6 of not contacting her. I truly have had an awakening because of all this. What else, besides not contacting her, can I do so she’ll believe I’m working harder on myself than I ever have? It’s tough because she doesn’t seem to want to speak on the phone. Could she be saving me from myself? That last talk I got emotional, and as I already mentioned, was trying to get her to come home before she felt ready. I wonder if she is leading me on. Only she knows, of course. Once, she briefly mentioned that "she'll know if I've changed." The only thing I can think of is backing off. My wife has MS and has said she feels "not great, but relieved" that she doesn't have to live up to my expectations or disappoint me. I apologized to her for coming across that way and let her know I always understood. BTW, I just finished reading Michelle’s book DR, it is excellent.
Obviously, she is depressed. The chapter about delaing with a depressed spouse in DR was helpful.

Any ideas?

Thank you very much

Bob723

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Cadet]

Speak with Actions not Words.


Put the focus on YOU not her,
make changes for YOU not to win her back.
Those will be the things that she will notice.

[Bob723]

Thank you very much Cadet! That is what I am working on. I go to counseling weekly (sometimes 2x/week) and I am on anti-anxiety medication, which seems to really help. I haven't tried contacting her in one week. That is a 180 for me.

I pray she notices.

[happy1]

Give her space as you are doing and when she calls talk to her like she is your BF.

[Bob723]

Thank you very much for the support happy1. I am on day 8 of no-contact.

Take care and Happy New Year.

[Bob723]

My WAW wife and I had been in contact fairly often. Other than Christmas Day evening, I haven't heard from her. I am in day 13 of no-cotact. I know it's "dangerous" to try to think about what your spouse may have on their mind, but does anyone think that by me giving her this space she is reconsidering? I suppose it could be that she's simply happy not to hear from me. This is so heart-breaking. I still love my wife so much.

[mahhhty]

How are you Bob?

To answer your question anything is possible. Giving her space is a great start, but it is also a great gift to yourself, so that you can start making positive change.

Have you read Sandi's 37 Rules? I've found these very helpful. I

What about physical exercise? Do you have any hobbies? Or sports that help blow off steam?

Learn about the stages of grieving, about the Pursuer/Distancer relationship, understand her Love Languages, as well as your own.

Implement change in yourself and it will echo throughout your life. Eventually, she will notice. Once you change, the relationship is forced to change because you are no longer the same, therefore, she can't react to you the same way.

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

I am hanging in there, thank you for asking! How about yourself?

Yes, I have read Sandi's 37 rules and have them printed out. They are very helpful. I try to go for a long walk daily, and I love most sports, especially ice hockey. Years ago, I used to play and coach. I recently went ice skating for the first time in years. Just yesterday, I sent my WAW a little text asking how she is doing. She said her stomach was hurting her (from stress, she thought) otherwise ok, and also asked my why I was asking. I wrote back, "Because I know you suffer almost daily from physical/emotional pain (she has MS) and I care about your well-being." Eventually, she responded, I hope all is well with you. I replied, "I prefer to focus on you, but I am doing well. Thanks for asking. I have a little surprise for you...I got my name on a waiting list to coach kids hockey." (I finally remembered that was one thing she really loved about me.) My the way, I am doing this because I WANT to, not to try to win my wife back. Does anyone think she'll see this as a positive change? She replied, "I that's great that you've put your name on a coaching list. I hope you don't have to wait too long. That would be great for you. Good work." That is her exact quote. Thoughts anyone?

Thanks so much group! You are an inspiraton.

Bob

[mahhhty]

As most people in here I have been better.

You are definitely making some progress and coaching again I think is great. However with another court date looming, it seems that she wants a D and you are both separated. Correct?

If so, I think it is fair to say that you should be working on some Last Resort Technique (LRT).

Although, your conversation was cordial, maybe even pleasant and it gave you some immediate contact, it may not serve the purpose you hope. I think you need to look into more detachment methods, and start living life for you, not for her.