I'm no vet, but personally I don't see them as the same..
It's kind of hard for me to put in writing, but I see detachment as looking at your sitch from far away, and not actually being there.. Almost like a 3rd not involved person..
I see forgiveness as a tool to help you personally.. I have thought long and hard about giving my W forgiveness for all she has put me, and to a lesser extent the kids through.. To a degree I do forgive her for things already.. It is helping me keep amicability..
IF she comes back and we R, then the forgiveness will have to be on a whole new level, and I'll cross that bridge when I get there..
So long story short, personally I think they are different, but healing in their own ways..
Me:35 W:31 S6 + S9 T: 10 years M: 7 years BD: 7/2014 S: 8/2014 W has new BF: 12/2014 Still fighting the good fight!!..
Love, I think that's great... I am trying to put out questions to make people think and respond.. I think it helps all of us when we share on the board... Great reply!!!
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
I am just not sure that I can truly detach without a true forgiveness of her actions as well as my own to get us to this point. I read earlier that forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. along with that, Forgiveness is about accepting the past and accepting it as is. While trust is about building the future. I am not sure how trust in a WAS or anyone else for that matter can happen first without true forgiveness. I was just talking to a friend who is 7 years post D and they still are at each other throats at time.. I asked if she ever truly forgave hime (as if I didn't already know the answer) and she said no. She then told me about things that happened before the D and how she was treated.. I told her that forgiving and forgetting are two different things.
I am just wondering that if we don't truly FORGIVE, if our WAS;s can sense that (they know us better than anyone, even ourselves for the most part). And since they can sense that they may be reluctant to try and work on things.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Love it! Looking forward to seeing what others say.
In my case, yes, I would say there is overlap. To detach lovingly has meant acknowledgment that my H is hurting too, and probably didn't want to be in this place any more than I did. From this perspective it is easier to meet him with compassion and forgiveness rather than anger - and I feel better for it. It also means a certain amount of tolerance and patience and not being too deterred when he says things like we're not a good match.
I'm not dealing with the shenanigans many people are and I may have a different perspective if I was. I can imagine that people could detach without forgiveness - but to me that would seem akin to apathy and is not a place I want to be.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
you mentions something I found key in my path to forgiving my WAS.... Feeling better!!! you hit the nail on the head with that one. Every interaction since I started the process of forgiveness, I do feel better. every interaction that we have, seems better and better. Even after finding our one of the biggest hurts of her selling her wedding bands. I just gave her a one arm hug and kiss on the head and told her its only a ring. Like I said in my other thread, im not really sure if she really did or not, or was just trying to get a reaction. I had the chance to really inflict some pain... But I chose a totally different route. Whether this means we will be able to R or not is yet to be seen. But this way, I can truly hold my head up and be happier.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
I think this is so on point. I have been working on forgiving my H and it was helping me to feel better, giving me peace almost. But when he started letting S8 down, I began to grow angry and resentment began to creep in. This put a strain on how I interacted with him, because I kept thinking about all of the horrible and selfish things he had done.
One of the things I think about is that marriage is the most selfless commitment a person can make. I love being a W and even though my H has filed, I wanted to end our marriage by being a good W. To me, this means honoring the vows I took to the very end. "In good times and in bad, for better or worse, to honor and cherish..". What do they mean to you? To me, they mean putting H first no matter what. If a D is what he wants, than I have to respect that. Because that's the selfless thing to do. And being a good W is all about being selfless. If we truly love our WAS unconditionally, than we have to let them go. When I think about letting H go so he can be happy, I find some peace. I know that I'm capable of loving someone so deeply that I'd do anything for them... even let them go.
I'm not vet and my advice may be off the rocker, but I think forgiveness if the key to all of our happiness.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Faith... Very sorry about your sitch... I hope that taking the forgiveness trail leads you to peace. You are absolutely correct about accepting the D as a selfless thing. Im not sure how CA works but in Mi there is a minimum 6 month cool off period (more like 9-12 months in our county)when kiddos are involved. I would take this time to create a peaceful space between the two of you in hopes to start dialogue in a peaceful way and keep everything conversation brief and succinct. with all hope things will thaw for the two of you as well. How long have you been together? is S8 his? whats some of the background leading up to this???
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Thank you. I'm sorry about your situation as well. It's a tough place to be and one of the loneliest times in my entire life (as I'm sure it is for you).
We have a 6 month period in CA. H and I are in a tug of war of some sorts now. One minute he's warm and the next he's cold. It's exhausting to say the least and hard to feel like any real progress has been made. But I guess it has gotten better since when this first started he would barely talk to me and now he's hanging out and staying over at the house once sometimes twice a week.
We've been together 5 years. S8 is from a previous relationship but calls H his dad and H was planning to adopt him.
Long story short-- we've had a challenging but very passionate relationship. His family and friends have never supported it, mainly because they all thought H got consumed by it and I "took him away and changed him". Last November, his brother and I got in an argument and his brother gave H an ultimatum: him or me. H chose me and it strained his relationship with his brother which caused even more animosity from his family and friends towards me. My dad was diagnosed with cancer around that time as well, so we were dealing with a lot of stress. H and I secretly got married in January and were planning our wedding for November 14. Our wedding was another stressor as H felt everything was over the top nonsense. In Sept after our bachelor/bachelorette weekend H came home and said he was calling off our wedding, wanted a divorce, was moving out that night, and I needed to start looking for a place to live.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
