1st post, Green Jealousy

[Wonka]

Isbar,

In summary, your H is gas lighting you. And he's doing a bang good job of it.

Get MAD like Elizabeth Taylor in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and show H what you're really made of: titanium.

Setting boundaries are for YOU. For your own self-respect.

[Train]

Isbar,

Theoden is spot-on, as usual, with his insightful post.

Here's the thing: if your H was ready to leave your M because of boredom or because the two of you had simply changed and grown apart over the years, then you acting fun and flirty and sexual may work to re-attract him back to you and your M.

But the fact that OW is involved makes your situation A LOT more delicate.

Your H is confiding in OW more than he's confiding in you. That means he's having a full-blown EA, as you know. A PA is likely soon to follow, if it hasn't already. Even if he's "only" in an EA (those are at least as dangerous as PAs), he's in what we call an "affair fog," which means he's in absolutely no place to work on his M with you right now. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that right now.

What you CAN do is focus on YOU and doing anything and everything in your power (even when you don't feel like it) to make yourself feel valuable, smart, pretty, powerful and sexy (all things your H's actions are making you NOT feel right now).

The idea is not to make these changes to re-attract your H, per se. It's about making the changes over time so you begin to realize that you are a valuable, smart, pretty, powerful and sexy woman ... who was ALL of those things before you met your H. And you're still in there somewhere. The changes need to be GENUINE and sustainable ... and for YOU. They'll take time. But "fake it 'til you make it" in the meanwhile.

Here's your bind: Your H knows you know that he's invested in OW right now. He can call it what he wants to, but as theoden said, if he's being so defensive about his texts, then he, too, knows he's in an inappropriate relationship with OW. And now he knows that you know. Yet you still continue to have sex with him?!? That's going to make him disrespect you AND treat you disrespectfully, as he did when he texted OW about having sex with you feeling like he was being "molested."

I know I'm just repeating what my friends have already told you above. But you MUST respect yourself first and foremost. You can't expect your H to want to change if he's getting the "best of both worlds" right now.

[Isbar]

ok. Thanks, Theoden & Starsky. Your advice is taken. It may take a while. So 1 more question, because I haven't brought up the subject of his OW to him since I first found out. Should I tell him that I know about the calls and texts, continuing? I also found out he purchased a $300 necklace for xmas, not for me or my daughter. (or any of his family) I had taken care of his family. Should I confront him about it? I could not sleep all night, I feel like I'm being tortured.

Born and raised in Vermont. my folks screamed at each other, my entire life, and still do. I didn't want to live like that.

Starsky, perhaps I am being naive.

[Isbar]

Train, thanks, you may be repeating what others said, but with a twist.
I feel so bad, and used up. and disrespected. I don't know where I can muster up the energy to even "fake it" my head is pounding, I've not slept. I have giving my self 100% to being my H's support person, I have no friends, family days away, work myself to the bone with his business, (only Guys work there) so not even work friends. Our daughter (20) has been spoiled by H. She too is rude and disrespectful. Lazy, drinks too much, I have never been allowed to discipline her as a child even.
I am not an ugly, fat & lazy woman. I have always worked hard.
I'm not sure where to even find the "bootstraps"

[Starsky309]

ok. Thanks, Theoden & Starsky. Your advice is taken. It may take a while. So 1 more question, because I haven't brought up the subject of his OW to him since I first found out. Should I tell him that I know about the calls and texts, continuing? I also found out he purchased a $300 necklace for xmas, not for me or my daughter. (or any of his family) I had taken care of his family. Should I confront him about it?

Yes. Maybe wait til the next time he lies to your face, put your hand up in the "stop" position and cut him off, saying: "STOP IT. Just stop it. We BOTH know you're lying to me right now and it's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family. I know all about you and ______ -- all of it. I won't live in an open marriage, so it looks like we BOTH have some decisions to make. In the meantime, please STOP lying to me, because I will end the conversation immediately every time you do. "

Hold eye contact with him thru ALL of that, and for about five full seconds afterward. Then leave TGE room.

REHEARSE IT, in your head, ahead of time or -- even better -- out loud when you are alone. Visualize yourself being calm and confident, and standing up to him.

Isbar, your husband will begin respecting you more when you do -- and no sooner.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

P. S. If he asks you what you know, do NOT be specific (like mentioning the necklace). Just repeat the "I know all of it" line and nothing else. Maybe say "I love you and I don't want a divorce, but I'm NOT a fool, and I WON'T live in an open marriage."

[Train]

Starsky's advice right there is the best out there, Isbar.

I know you're tired and feeling beat up. Listen, sweetie: We've alllll been there. That's why we're here. We've lost weight due to not being able to eat. We've lost hours - whole nights, even - of sleep. Some of us have overindulged in self-medicating just to make it through a day during those first few days, weeks and months. But Starsky, Theoden, Wonka and I have all made it through that - with time and a lot of personal effort. Our outcomes aren't all the same, but we are ALL better people for the work we put in (and, at least in my case, CONTINUE to put in).

Have patience with yourself right now, okay? And be gentle with yourself. You're going through a VERY traumatic experience. It's the pits. But remember this is a marathon and not a sprint. Your M didn't get into the shape it's in overnight. Neither you nor your M will be "fixed" overnight, either.

The "bootstraps" are there, hon. You just have to force yourself to get up and find them. The very first step is finding your self-respect and taking back some of your power. Starsky's advice up there will help you begin to do just that.

And I'll repeat what Starsky said because it's important: Do not be specific about what you know. Leave H guessing. Let him squirm a little.

[Starsky309]

There is much power in him not knowing what you know, and what you DON'T know. Ya know?

[Train]

Checking on you, Isbar. How are things?

[Isbar]

I'm having trouble with everything. The GAL is on my mind, but haven't taking action. we had people over for N Y Eve. the whole holiday time has kept me pretty busy, grand babies came N Y Day.

Yes I am being extremly nice, touching, having S. he doesn't seem so distant. he's talking more.
I haven't turned the TV on. he likes music. although when we go to his space, guess what is on constantly, the TV. I feel like he resents my time watching TV. (he said "want to watch TV?", I said no, but he persisted, so we watched a show he likes, in the living room, ) then he complained to OW that I turned the TV on and he couldn't listen to his music.
I have not mentioned anything about, our relationship, the OW, our marriage.
I feel like what I'm doing is working, but still wondering if he is disrespecting me, but having a great time in bed!
I can't stop checking the phone/text records. he is still texting all day long, some phone calls slowed down, probably because OW has a family and been busy with Hoildays. although, he worked late last night, and was on the phone with her over an hour. I can't read the texts, cuz he won't leave the phone. he guards it even while sleeping.
I have a phone session right now, will check back