Just found out DH has been having an EA, for 9 months. I confronted him, and he said only friends, blah.. invading his privacy... nothing to work out.. he is leaving... I've been as nice as can be for the last week, checked his phone records again, hundreds of texts every day, hours of telephone, it's eating me up!! we carry on together, working, Me fixing dinner, talking a bit. tthe whole time he's texting her. I can't deal with it, its driving me insane, HELP. i wasn't going to check, but it had been a few good days and I just had to see. Words of wisdom to cope with it??
Me 56 H 60 Married 20 together still he says he's moving out He:Emotional A 9 mos.
Can you give us some additional information? Do you guys have children? What would you say have been some of the biggest issues in your relationship recently?
How are you handling things when he's texting her in front of you? Have you confirmed it's only an EA?
What are you doing to distract/better yourself at this time (or GAL)?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
Change your mindset. Determine that you're not merely going to "cope" with it (although that is important), but you're going to ATTACK it. What is your PLAN -- legal, financial, emotional, spiritual, health?
A great place to start would be to lay out some healthy personal boundaries. "No texting OW from inside of our marital home" (and CERTAINLY not in FRONT of you!!) would be a great place to start.
What are your current financial arrangements? Do you both work?
Have you told him that you're not willing to live in an open marriage?
Wow this is an awesome response I had to comment beacuase you r first suggestions are the GAL Im working in moving in my new place on Monday ExH is very upset about us has gotten a OW and he is very upset about our house being sold. Just need more direction on how to really listen better. As a woman I talk more going to follow you!!!
Me:34/EXH:29 Kids: S13, D5, D4 M/o7 HaskedforDgavetohim6/14 decided to work on get remarried counseling. Kids work went back to old routine. Left Nov 10 2014 OWDec92014
Hi. thanks for responding. We have 1 daughter, 20yr. I had 2 kids when we married. He is a wonderful step dad, the kids were 5 & 11. he was great. we actually work together, in his business. we had a wonderful close bond, but not lately. he has seemed very distant, (now I know why) 6 years ago he started sleeping in a separate room, He snores, he likes tv on and light, I like quiet and dark. we still got together 1 day on the weekend. not so much lately. he comes home 2 hrs, later, Ive got dinner, then we watch a small amount of TV, suddenly hes very tired. I had checked the phone records for a completely different reason, saw many phone calls after midnight 2-3 hrs long! no wonder he was tired. the phone calls averaged over 40 hours in a month, for 8 months. mostly after midnight. then checked text mess, averaged over 50 a day, with same person, I did a reverse telephone look up to see who, it was an old friend from before we got married. She came to his BD party in May, I hadn't seem her in many years, the phone calls started in April, she was probably having personal problems with her husband. definately since spring I feel like we drifted. He was furious at me when I called him out. "She is just a friend! & you have no right to pry! & You are disrespectful, mean, always criticizing! You are mean to our daughter! & I'm going to move out!" I was shell shocked, we haven't been even talking, no fighting, When am I mean?? As far as if it is sexual, he said it wasn't (because she is married!) as far as texting her in the same room, I haven't said another word about it from 2 weeks ago. we only spoke about it that one night. If I tried to set boundaries he would be so angry, and tell me I couldn't tell him what friends he can have. Financially we have to both work, together every day. Starsky I don't have a plan, I'm just trying to be as nice and sexual as I can be. He seems to be responding in a good way, but the texting has NOT slowed down. After having great sex last Friday night, he texted the OW about it, and said he felt molested. I had snuck a peek at his phone last week. He doesn't let go of it. GAL I have been instructed. My life is taking care of my husband. I
Me 56 H 60 Married 20 together still he says he's moving out He:Emotional A 9 mos.
let me explain a little better, My H does not even realize he is smack dab in the middle of an EA. He really thinks he is just supporting a friend. At the same time he feels unhappy with me. although we don't fight, we are cordial, we are together quite a bit (work). He does NOT know that he has giving his heart to another woman. I am afraid to tell him. he won't believe me
Me 56 H 60 Married 20 together still he says he's moving out He:Emotional A 9 mos.
If he's defensive about his texting he's quite aware he's in an inappropriate relationship with another woman. If he snaps about it and tells you he's done, then he's having some kind of affair (emotional or physical). IF he's telling her how disgusting sex with you is, then he's a piece of sh*t. That's what people tell their lovers and affair partners. I'm sorry, but he's ACTING like he's having an affair and he knows it.
You don't need to "Tell him" he's having an affair. He knows it. Don't be afraid of him.
He needs to be afraid of what losing you will mean for him emotionally and financially.
You can't "nice" your husband out of his affair and into the marriage. Don't try.
You need to display your strong, sexy and intriguing side -- but not for your husband. He'll sense immediately you are desperate and it will turn him away. You do it for you.
1. Start with the Last Resort Technique. Right away. This will give you some of your power and control back.
2. You can't make him do anything. Tell him, however, you find the texting to his friend in front of you disrespectful. He may snarl at you, but he can't carry on an affair in front of your nose in YOUR house. Set some boundaries. People are attracted to those they respect. If you let him treat you like trash he'll despise you more.
3. Go see a divorce lawyer ASAP. You don't need to file. Tell him/her what the situation. Know your rights and know what to document. Get a game plan ready in case this goes south. Think through how you will make it financially if you don't work with your husband anymore. This is tough, but if you see a way out financially, you will lose some of your fear.
4. You husband is NOT your life. If that's the case you will always walk in fear of losing him. If you revolve around him you will suffocate him with your desperation. You have your own interesting life that he's privileged to participate in. Remind yourself of that life. Re-discover it. If he doesn't want to join you in YOUR EXCITING life, then it's his loss.
5. Get mad. He's treating you like crap. No one deserves to be treated like that. Getting mad may give you the strength to rally.
6. You don't need to leave dinner for him if he's late. If he doesn't want to be with you, he can cook his own dinner. Respect yourself, and he may end up respecting you.
7. If he says he's leaving, then think through what YOU want if he leaves. Don't be taken by surprise. Show some fight.
Theoden has given you excellent advice. I agree with ALL of it. I have been studying affairs for over 8 years, and have witnessed thousands of them and counseled hundreds on this forum. I have personally counseled over a dozen betrayed spouses, and I also saved my own marriage 7 years ago. Doing what theoden is recommending is not guaranteed to work, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that it gives you the best CHANCE of success, and that doing what you're doing (trying to "nice" him and "sex" him back into the marriage will NOT work!
I sense that English is not your first language? Is there something very male chauvinistic in the culture in which you were raised perhaps?
let me explain a little better, My H does not even realize he is smack dab in the middle of an EA. He really thinks he is just supporting a friend. At the same time he feels unhappy with me. although we don't fight, we are cordial, we are together quite a bit (work). He does NOT know that he has giving his heart to another woman.
going to follow you!!!