Inbetween Land

[Faith2b]

Im new to this forum I have been reading several different forums but hopefully I can get some feed back on my own bottomless pit. Im waiting on my DR book to come in the mail meanwhile I need to get some things out. Background been divorced for six months. He moved back in though and we started to work on getting remarried. Then he lost his job and we had to make a decisaion to sale our home. He left 7weeks ago because we got into about selling I told him we need to keep the house. Well I went ahead and got the hous eon the market with out him and I was very angry these past few weeks that he left. This is the 3rd split we had. the first was my decision the other I had no say. We have went to counseling but with 3 kids and both working that was short lived. Anyways I did get into a heated verbal argument with him and that when he said enough is enough. To make matters worse the week he left his car broke down. I have two vehicles which I decided to not let him take I thought he should be taught a lesson. Meanwhile he decided to get on a dating site. He met a girl and they have been an item for 2weeks. Im totally broken and I have know idea what kind of strtejy to use. onestly he uses the kids for games and and the girl has moved in my daughter is tottaly distraught over this. Im so tired and he can careless about anything but what he wants to do. Im trying to move forward but i want something from him that i know he cant give its been so long and I see know hope. The girl now makes it mere impossible it almost reinforces bad behavior. I just want my family back in the same home togehter. Where am I in all this???

[HeavyD]

Hi

I read your post. You are in a tough spot for sure. I feel your pain.

The first message you will get will be to detach and Get A Life (GAL). That means tying to ignore him, ignore his reckless decisions, don't contact him, don't text him, don't call him, don't pursue, don't beg, don't plead. Like many people, I broke all of these rules when my WAW dumped me. It took a good two months for me to even to function again at the base level (eating, sleeping, going to work, taking care of my kids, etc...). I am now at month 3 since the AB was dropped. I can talk to my WAW now about kids stuff, but not much else. As long as she is in the affair fog, there is no communication that will really get through to them.

My WAW is like a pod person when I talk to her. So, following the DB principals, I don't initiate any conversations that deal with our R, her coming back, getting her head out of her a$$, etc...

As I have been informed, this is marathon and it takes a lot of patience. Let him experience his messed up choices, and the impact it will have on his life. It will be hard for him too even though he is probably too full of his own chit to comprehend.

Anyway, keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

NAJ

[Faith2b]

Hello,

Thank you so much for reading.

I have since poured myself into GAL. It has been great...My house has sold so I move into a apartment this week Monday I will start moving things. I have been working with my three children on their emotions. It actually feels good to teach my children about good and bad choices rather than their dad (one thing I realize I was doing wrong).

I actually was able to get him to communicate with me. When I first spoke to him on the phone he did not want to tell me that the girl had moved in with him. When I asked him he kind of broke down and said Monica I cant do this now. So I said ok and we hung up.

Several days later he tried spewing on me.I suggested that I can pick them up and he told me hell no that he would call the police he said he had a restraining order on me this sent me in a upset. I then said Im so over all of this Im done I dont care if I ever see you again or we get back together. I told him that I was fine with this. He later retracted but before he retracted this somewhere in between me losing my head he called me controlling this really hurt my feelings and sent me into a bad mood all the way until the next day which I GAL and felt better. But the whole control thing really hurts because I know this is something that I have done which has been the demise in our relationship


I had called about our daughter who had been having a rough time in school with the transition. I had also sent him an email he felt was disrespectful to the OW new position as gf and this is when he opened up about the other girl. He texted me that "She loves him and he will plan on marrying her too. He did not reciprocate the love comment so I was very happy that he did not say that. I took this convo and called him. He was waiting for me to call. I answered and calmly told him that I would respect their relationship. I told him that this is for now but that I am his wife and will be his only wife ever. Even though we are divorced we had plans to get remarried which we will!!!! To my surprise he said "Well I will think about what you said" that was a great moment for me. I feel that as long as I GAL and work on better conflict management with him things can change. I have to Shut my mouth more and listen to him. Surprisingly Christmas was a success for me I went to a girlfriends house. I knew he would call me because he knows how much I wanted for us all to be a family that day. He called and he started a fight with me about when he would drop them off to me tomorrow. I asked him what time. He started to give me vague answers. I was trying to come up with a solution and he was just not having it. As I had to work and he did too. I let my feelings for the new girl get to me in that he suggested her to watch them. I told him i was not comfortable even though he felt comfortable. He said he would not go into the office. Then I asked him what time then will he bring them back and he said he would discuss this with the ow. I then said that was fine that he would discuss it with her but I needed to know because I needed to make plans as well. (Thought I handled that well)

I suggested that I can pick them up and he told me hell no that he would call the police he said he had a restraining order on me this sent me in a upset. I then said Im so over all of this Im done I dont care if I ever see you again. I told him that I was fine with this. He later retracted but before he retracted this somewhere in between me losing my head he called me controlling this really hurt my feelings and sent me into a bad mood all the way until the next day which I GAL and felt better. But the whole control thing really hurts because I know this is something that I have done which has been the demise in our relationship.

He ended up saying Have a good night and Merry Christmas and I stupidly went on because of the control comment. I tried to explain that I was not being controlling only helpful. Then I said I was not comfortable with the ow and her baby when he was not present. I also commented on the restraining order and how we can just meet at Mcdonalds or somewhere mutual. I told him not to come to my new place. And once again reiterated that I was not trying to be controlling. So he commented its not my house number 1 and number 2 that the kids will be back around noon. Once again he changed the time. My final remarks were in response to his response or lack their of directly answering me.

I said "Number 1 I need to know and Number 2 if you guys are making plans that's fine but I need to make plans as well.

My last remark was the wine I had been drinking,,,I texted "Number 3 your using the kids against me...instead of facing the problems we have AKA control issues both of our problem. Number 4,5,6 Your right, Your right, Your right7, 8, 9, like I told you before number 10 Im your wife!!

Well needless to say I had to call him an hour and a half later no response to all of this. But He was really nice on the phone. He said he fell asleep and that he would get them to me at 4:00 I said well I get off at 3. He basically without words said he would have them their at 4 almost like implying that will give you enough time to settle.

he ended up taking them earlier they got their exactly around 3 he texted me and let me know they were in route. I said ok then he texted me after he dropped them off to let me know they were their. That was yesterday. I wont be calling. When he texts me or calls me still not sure how I will react or what steps to use but I know that I have to be prepared just not sure how yet and he knows I move in on Monday will he offer to help?? Not sure and should I even take the help not sure I ay yes anytime with him is a good thing right?/


Well thanks again

[Cadet]

Well my next thoughts are how do I listen to a man who has few words. Its like when he does say something your grasping so hard for more you cant think how to stop when you go from one range of asking to losing it for some kind of connect. I know now he has retreated so far.
Well with that said I have and had developed a fear to communicate I thought let me avoid all that is hard...the fact that he was on facebook talking to girls dating sites where he met the OW. Any outlet he could was eating at my souls convictions. My standards had been all but tarnished through this man I love and hope that through my outbursts and constant nagging I truly thought mixing fear crying and even grabbing him when he was turned to ignore me would gwet him to see we were was losing us.

My ego then went into full affect once again when he left for the 3rd time. He said "His ship has sailed" I went into full on attack mode Im the Sh** and I went in on how I really felt about him and his family. It was awful.
Of course my ego lead him to another. My fault my arrogance made me think their could not be any replacement to me and here I am. second fiddle to ow she is very opposite of me from what i have gathered she is "Jump ten times" and then She asks "How high?"

Well its not about her its about how can I repair the damage done. How can I get my family back by my actions??

From another thread 12/27/2014

[Cadet]

So I have come to the realization that I have really let my boundaries be misunderstood. Boundaries make the world go around. But when you as a person do not make these things clear they will be challenged and No nagging, screaming or crying can make your point. I usually shut down and think oh I cant get the respect. You cant change someone and I know now this uis not true. You have to set the standard and then allow people the freedom to either agree or not.

Well Im not out of the woods but I am GALing and excited to do so. No more excuses for others lack ie my exH. So I thought to myself apart of GAL to me is just that letting people know so I sent my ex a email and a text message as follows:

M

After what went down on Christmas Im done. I have made it clear time and time that Im working on myself for our relationship and the kids.

That dont mean sh** under the bridge with you.


EVERYTHING AFTER THIS POINT IS UP TO YOU!!! Right wrong indifferent what ever happens your responsibility.



MJ

Im so happy I stood up for me and what I cant do. I love him and I want our family but Im not willing to hit below the belt anymore. What I mean is I have been wrong and I can only focus on me and how I can be better. Im trying to stop worrying about him and the ow. Im starting to stop worrying about him calling me out. I texted him about some matters conscrning our marital home which we sold. He came over on Christmas and took the filing cabinet. I quite graciously asked him if he had taken it and how I understand why. I also let him know that I would put anything which is not much left of his in the garage. I also told him that its better to let me know when he is taking something to let me know. His response:

H
Just like selling things right, right have a good night. Roads that I travel go both ways.

So usually I would go into attack mode to defend myself. But I did not i graciously did not text call or email. From this point on everything is in his hands. I will do my part when I see him reciprocate according to what my boundaries can handle.

At 4:30am he called me. He asked how was the kids Christmas? I was thinking well you had them but I just said good. Then he started going on about what I had said about us being a united front and how I said Im his wife. He said Im his wife several times. I DID NOT RESPOND to this he has the OW still. Then he asked me about my move out date. I told him I get the keys tomorrow. Then he asked me when will I be out completely I said probably not until the 15 day before closing because I had to move everything by myself. He went on again in circles about you say Monica you wanna be my wife but you wnt give me a clear answer about moving out I had to repeat my self again. Then he offered to help me move out I said yes he said he could make that happen next Monday. I might have it all out befor then but hey he offered right thats a step in the right direction. I see hope but Im scared to be around him because I never wanna be the other woman and I dont wanna cross the line. I know what I want and that is my family minus OW and facebook, dating sites and porn. I love him and I want my family but on minus these things but I know if we see eachother alone we may hug. I wont let a kiss happen. At this point I want no physical contact. Its hard when you miss that person though. O well I no my boundaries.

from another thread

[Cadet]

Im so frustrated and confused. I dont want to think about my passed but through the process I realize that even before I was married I had alot of emotional relationships that never lead to me having a whole complete r. So as I interact with my exh and he and I are both moving on I get really concerned about developing something emotional when Im suppose to be in LRT. I guess my concern would be because Im very nice very forgiving. I mean he is with the OW. Anyways my main focus is for me to get to a whole place and heal. He called me this morning. I was excited because today I would be signing my lease. He asked me more questions about the move he also will be helping me we talked about the kids. We also talked about meeting up to exchange Layla's school work. But the big issue now is that he still has not gotten his car back. The fact that he is drivbing the ow car makes for stickiness where I see no need as I am not focused on her. He told me though I would have to pick him up for the help of the move. Well thats all great but Interaction with him means work. Which I guess Im ready for. I told him talks can only be about the family stuff. But he asked me what I meant when I said today was a weird day. So I immediately said thats not about the family.He said "O--KK" like if I was weird. Im just concerned of going down a rabbit hole of no return and me not getting the short stick. I want to save my relationship but I dont wanna be a doormat while he is still seeing if the grass is greenier on the other side. Well not sure how to go about this it seems so hard to balance. any advice?? Dont know if friends will make me hurt worse like a slow leak. or just focus on me and keep my strict no feeling aloud way of communication.

12/29/14 11:10

[Cadet]

Well after much thought I have come to the realization that avoidance will not be an option. So when it comes to communication I have to be in complete control that means GAL 247 lol I guess that's a great idea!! But just like alot of other people on this site patience is all you can count on. While your loved one spends their time with another. I try to remember the most important thing. Im actually blessed to have the time to work on myself. Although my ego has gotten me here in some instances thinking he wont ever knock me off my petal stool here I am in the dirt lol. Well its a much needed view for me. Hey many great people started from scratch so I guess their is much more to come in a positive light for me. Im quite excited about some progress we made today. I have a vehicle that he needs and we talked about him taking it. We are going to sign a contract and he is going to take my car. he said he would call me tonight or let me know tomorrow. Of course this will be a big blow for the OW she and him have been sharing her vehicle.

12/29/14 afternoon

[Cadet]

Well this morning I received my keys to my new place. I was

very excited so I did something I probably should not have. I

sent my ex a unnecessary email. and it goes as follows:

There are some things i wanna ask you. There are some things i wanna say to you. I know right now is not the time. But with the move getting ready to happen and us moving forward I cant help but reflect. I just wanted to let you know that you make me happy because you have shaped the woman I am today. Moving forward I can reflect on how happy you have made me in the littlest ways. I take that with me into the next chapter of my life.

This is very hard for me but Im trusting God



I will have my keys in hand tomorrow!!


I also sent a text that said I just want you to know that I

appreciate you. Have a good day.


My girlfriend said it was unnecessary. I did tell him no

feelings just about kids then I go and send this mush...ugh

overall I feel better about it because he knows that when I

give positive feed back Im usually waiting for him to

reciprocate. But Im actually okwith giving him this and Im ok

that he has not called me to reciprocate so I guess this was

more for me than him. Its like I wanna be the one who gives

without expectation. I wanna give without feeling a risk. Hey

if he and I do only co parent Im gonna be on top. Despite the

OW and countless other EA I can say that I am worth more

because I have given more. This sounds great but not so easy I

just no Im moving on for the betterment of all involved.


Well my apartment is so tiny I wanna cry. My house is HUGE and

Im moving to a two bedroom I could just lose all my marbles I

have no idea how this is going to work. I have no choice of

course but I guess it incentive for me to move on and detach.

He thought I was getting a 3 bedroom when I spoke to him and I

told him no he was in shock I think but hey he knows my money

sitch. I also asked him to loan me a couple of bucks for

parking at work he was very oblige able. This is the start of a

long road ahead.

Also I have two vehicles his car broke down and its very

expensive for him to get it out. I asked him if he would take

my car and pay me for it as well as fix it I have been trying

to sell it but no one wants to deal with it because of the

repairs needed. This car was given to me through the marital

decree. So he knows that it has issues but would be better for

us both if he would repair and pay me monthly. I will be

writing up a contract and I hope that this mutual agreement

will help us in our journey. The OW has been driving him around

and this is how they became so close. My exh refused taking the

keys several times because in the beginning when he left he

asked and I said hell no. So then she stepped in and said dont

ask her we will do this together. Well he and probably OW are

at the end of the rope of sharing a car. He said he would let

me know if we will go through with the agreement today but Im

not going to bet he does. Honestly I hope he does but hey I

will still go on regardless. Just being honest I want the OW

gone yesterday ugh. Well I have to get motivated and pack.

12/30/14

[Cadet]

Speak with actions not words.

Stick to this thread until 100 posts, it is very confusing when you have 10 different threads all over the place

[Faith2b]

ok will do