I Don't get it!!!

[Mfl]

Hi Lee

good to see that things are still going well, if more slowly than you would like. I think you are right - piecing is more difficult than getting there. Just keep up the great job of practicing everything you have learned over this time. Mockers suggestion of making some new goals for this new stage is really good, also focus on what has worked and do more of it!

You really are quite inspiational! You know we all trawl the boards for success stories to give us more hope

[grislen]

Im going to tell you all right now I dont know if Im going to be a success story. Im so tired emotionally that I can no longer keep this up really. Im tired of feeling rejected. Im tired of iniating everything in our R. I know this all sounds crazy but im actually thinking of leaving. I know maybe right now is not the best time to be thinking this with the hurt that I feel but I hurt so badly right now that I really dont know what else to do.

We went out on a date today. We went to dinner, and to see a movie. through out all of it my W seemed fine she was cuddling up to me she seemed happy. She even hinted that we might make love and stuff. The second we get home all I start hearing is Im so tired and my stomach hurts and this and that. So instantly I should have realized that there would be absolutly nothing. It was like the second we got home a switch was flipped on. That says ohhh no we cant make love because that would be me putting forth effort. Even though she knows how much I need it. We talked about it a little bit and I hear oh yeah we will probably make love just cuddle with me for a while. So 2 hours later there is nothing and im pretty much all cuddled out. So here I sit. Waiting for a W who gives a Sh!t about me at all. Right now I dont really think she does. Its easy to be affectionate when we are out be when we are home nothing. Anyway Im just so damn tired of all this.

Lee

[holdingon]

Lee, can I smack you with the 2x4? Can I be a snot and tell you to please be grateful for what you have right now?
Your W is home.
Your W is sleeping in your bed.
Your W is going out and spending quality time with you.
Your W is cuddling with you.
Your W is telling you she loves you.
etc, etc.

Your W is not having as much sex with you as you would like. Did you read The Sex Starved Marriage yet? Can you do that, please??? You said in the past that your wife did not have as much sex with you as you wanted. So this is not a new problem, but an ongoing problem. I will say that I did this in my M, too. I NEVER understood what sex meant to my H. He would initiate or ask and I would not engage. He was not assertive and we did not discuss it. Only now, after READING do I understand how much it meant to him. You W is not necessarily trying to ignore you or make you mad, this is just what she does. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you... she just doesn't understand the importance of this to you. YOU have changed and grown. She has not.

Please go slowly. Maybe you could get the book, read it, and then read it together. Or go to a good counselor. This is not life or death. This is not be married or not be married. This is about you wanting more sex than your W wants. You two will have to compromise and I am not sure she is in a place yet where that is possible.

PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE

[Jeannine]

Lee,

You’ve put so very much into saving your marriage and now you are absolutely drained. It has taken a toll on you and it’s only natural that you would want to have a little respite from feeling awful.

Now having said that, may I speak to you from a woman’s perspective for just a moment?

I’m sure you understand how different the mechanism of sexuality is in men and women. Generally speaking, men are typically motivated because of a physical drive, whereas women are more cerebral in nature.

It is quite possible that your W wants to be sexual with you but then locks up when it comes to the initial phase of interaction. It’s kind of like having to drive over a speed bump – you’ve got to ease over it. You say that she seems ready when you are in public, however, when you get home, she appears to retract from it. This could be an issue of “performance anxiety”. I know that that is something usually associated with men, but women can suffer from it too.

Have you talked to your W about what she likes, what warms her up and do you know her love language?

Is she visual by nature or does she respond more to touch or sound. Have you tried playing music, you know, something to relax by, to ease her mind and help her to let go.
I know that it helps me when I'm faced with a speed bump.

Jeannine

[hoping]

Hi, Lee..can I just jump in..I have read through your posts, I hear your w is home, sleeps in bed with you, cuddles..but you seem unhappy that things are not going to good..as far as sex anyways..or not knowing what she wants..you should stop and take a deep breath..you have got so much going for you as far as saving your m. It might not go as quick or exactly as you would like it..but it is going. Relax and enjoy what you do have.

Sue

[dfb]

I agree. You have come so far!!!! Well, you know what I mean...

You get cuddling, attention, nearly everything anyone of us here would want to have. Trust me - if I could be with ex-b, I would rather have everything that you have - the emotional stuff - and I'd be okay with sex once a week or every two weeks. We have had sex occasionally, and even if we had sex 5 times a week - I'd gladly trade places for what you have. I want a relationship. I love sex - LOVE it. But that is the icing on the cake. Right now you have the cake.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it, though - I think you should. Maybe you need to do something differently to get her in the mood, I don't know.

[grislen]

That is the thing this is different than before. Not completely different. I will also tell you that this is not completely about Making Love either. Im tired of being the one that iniates some kind of touch 90% of the time. It is so frustrating that I try and do everything right, Her LL is quality time. When we are together I talk to her about everything, I look her in the eyes I listen to what is going on bad in her life, I validate. I do all of that kind of stuff. I am completely drained.

About 2 weeks ago she said that she would give me a back massage for me doing something for her. So I thought to myself ok great and I went and did this for her. So a week went by with out the message. So I asked her about it and she said oh yeah I will do that but not tonight. Another couple of days go by and I ask her again. She says saturday after our date I will give you a great one. Im thinking to myself great that will be wonderful. So Saturday rolls around and Im really sore from working out the day before and am thinking this will be great tonight. So like I said yesterday we went out and get home we have shakes so after the shakes I say so what about the massage. In a little bit. I say ok great. So we go up to bed and i ask her again and now she is to tired and her hands hurt and her stomach hurts and on and on and on.

I will tell you all what i have is good. But unless things change. I dont know what im going to do because I really feel that I cant live like this for the rest of my life. You all are right that I need some patience, I will be more patient. If nothing changes though I dont know if I can stay this way.

Lee

[putter]

Lee,

I know you are frustrated and that you want more out of your M than you are currently getting but I really believe your W needs time. I would stop asking her about the massage because she probably feels pressured.

I know you feel like you have been doing everything for her and she hasn't been returning all the loving feelings for you. Well what about doing more for yourself right now and backing off from your W in a loving way. Don't try to make everything so great for her all the time as that is what is draining you. Step back for awhile and don't make any harsh decisions. Just remember how far you have come and months ago what you wouldn't have given to be where you are now.

I think things have moved pretty quickly for you and your W so you have remain patient and focus on yourself.

One other thing - not to come down on you hard, but when I read your posts lately I think you are pushing and pressuring your W, not necessarily for sex but for touch etc. I think you have to back away from initiating anything and let her come to you. She is coming to you by cuddling etc. so let her continue to come to you so she doesn't feel so pressured.



putter

[holdingon]

Try to stop keeping score and just let what happens happen. Try to have no expectations. Let her proceed at her own time. Hang in there. Let her pursue you.

[rjd5974]

While your on the subject of her going back to her old ways of avoiding sex and all that...are you going back to your old ways? Did you used to push her on the subject? Did this get you anywhere then? Is it getting you anywhere now?

Look, you went how long without sex? And now you get it and you're going banannas here. I'm not saying it's wrong to want it, and that in a M you should expect it, but once again your W is at a different area then you. You've been at this so long and that's why you feel drained. Your W is still dealing with issues that you dealt with long ago.

You're feeling a lot of things now I'm sure. You've been bottling up so many of your frustrations by "acting as if" over the past months that it seems to be finally bursting out now that you've got your W back to a degree. I think this is normal and understandable. However don't let it consume you, and realize it will pass. Just like you did before your W came back, find other means of venting your frustrations.

If you want to leave your M thats your business and your decision, but I think it would be a shame to walk away from something you put so much effort into simply because it's not going exactly the way you'd hope right now, while your still in the early stages of piecing.