Well here is a little history for everyone who doesnt know my sitch. I have been married for 6 years I am 27 W is 26. W droped the I want a D bomb almost 4 months ago. So I have been DBing ever since. Basically she has come back she has told me that she Loves me. She is now sleeping in our bed again. Finally this weekend we made love. That was on Thursday.
So tonight as we are going to bed I try to iniate that again and get turned down flat. I am having a really hard time with this right now. Im seeing shades of our old R where I would iniate it and get turned down. Im feeling those same feelings of her not wanting me. Even though in her other actions I do see that she loves me. Im feeling old resentments coming back up. I am seeing that old score card coming back also. Some of you may know the one, I did this and this and this and now I deserve Love that way I need it. The problem is my W it seems is still not willing to give it out freely. I really dont know if I am willing to stay in a R where we only make love once a week. I want more. Heck I need more. I deserve more than that. I know that it is probably very early on and I know that I still need patience and need to keep my feelings in check but it is very hard. That Is why im writing this so that I just dont go off on my W. Anyway that is the way that im feeling right now.
I am sorry Lee. I don' t know that I'd broach the subject yet - if you end up going to counseling or something that would be a definitely place. But I'd wait until the R is a little bit on firmer ground. You worked so hard to get to this point!
piecing is a difficult time..we want the r to be back to the way it was, yet we don't want it to be back to the way it was.
I wonder in your sit...who's holding the score card?? you say that w is showing you love in other ways..perhaps in her way??
is it possible for you to focus on those positives in a way to subside your resentments?
I have struggled with the same issue..my h has been home for about six months now...I am still hesitant to initiate physicalness and have been turned down a few times since his return..
it's not an easy road to walk...but if you keep the right attitude and look for the positives things can brighten up.
take a look at my current thread "I have to let h go" and see how I'm trying to deal with it.
I can relate to the score card concept. I will get very angry and start listing all my gripes. However, that is not productive and eventually I stop myself and force myself to list 5 good things about H. Depending on how worked up I am, it sometimes takes a bit, but it does help take the edge of my anger and frustration.
I'm finding this is such a rocky road. Patience, as you know, is key.
Well here is what I did learn last night. That I can come down to the computer and vent my frustrations that they allow me to then go back to bed and be a loving husband. What last night did was change a pattern in our R. Before I would have just sat there and become very angry. Instead I came to the computer vented how frustrated and angry I was about something that should not have made me that angry. So after I vented I went back upstairs in a different frame of mind. One saying that I would act as if things were good. So I jumped back into bed gave W a BIG hug and just kind of cuddled before I fell into dream land.
So I wake up to some foreplay for me and one thing leads to another and BAM. It is amazing how you change one behavior, or one reaction to something that your SO does or says. That things can turn right around into your favor.
Thanks again everyone for your advice and support. I never relized that Piecing this thing back together was going to be the hard part.
You are doing awesome! I am so glad you vented at the BB instead of at your W - it really is amazing that you changed your actions which made your W change hers. This gaurentees that you won't fall back into your old habits.
Also, keep up the patience - just because you are piecing doesn't mean you can move quickly. I am sure your W is happy where your M is going, but I am also sure she is scared at times. Just relax and go with the flow and don't take the fact that she might not be interested in intimacy at all times as a negative thing.
I see you hit your big goal But you still need to move S-L-O-W-L-Y. Venting here is an excelent idea. Maybe try being affectionate with hugs and touches but wait for your W to initiate anything further?
Find your patience again - now, where did you leave it?
Lee, I have missed you! I need your positiveness! I wish you would go back over the MLC and visit my thread... I am devastated, my H moved out. Did you say your W had moved out earlier?? I would like to know.
About the sex. Have you read 5LL? I know you probably have since you have been working so hard. Also, in Michelle's book she talks about it. Anyway, what I am getting at is as a woman, I did not understand (until now) the importance of sex to a man. My H LL is physical touch, I am sure. I never could understand why this was so important to him. After all, I was giving him acts of service to show my love but he didn't get it. Michelle says, a woman would love to talk for 30 minutes, a man feels like having sex. I guess what I am saying is, IF you two are talking about R, maybe you could bring up the sex issue in this context. Maybe you could ask/confirm what her love language is... and then talk about how communicating for you really is wrapped up in intimacy.
I would not rush into a conversation like this. I am not sure if your W is in a place where she is willing to make changes in your R. But, it may be a better way to talk to her about it than to take it personally and get angry. She probably offers you a different love language. And you probably don't see it, because you want SEX.
Anyway, venting here is definitely great. Cuddling is definately great. Maybe she is a morning sex person. Another topic of conversation.
Maybe she is testing you to see if you love her or just want sex...
Actually, I don't know that I have any good advice. Like I said my H left.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting grislen: It is amazing how you change one behavior, or one reaction to something that your SO does or says. That things can turn right around into your favor.
Lee
Lee -- this is GREAT stuff! Welcome to Piecing!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
