Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Last Thread

At the start of my last thread, I said "let's see if this thread can be peaceful." I won't do that again.

Last thread I found out my family secret, my W promised my son she would stay in our M and be a good mom, then took her promise back, and my W finally showed her very ugly side by screaming and cursing at me during her breakdown.

Today I'm hurting with PMA... still not working full speed... W is asking for help with her living arangement... W threatens getting a lawyer then backtracks and cries that I would be better off without her... I'm close to agreeing with her... and I have GAL tonight with my dad and son.

I'm curious if she's learning something from her last crying speech...

She, crying, said something like... "b/c you looked at me so mad and I lashed out. I have all these issues from when I was a little girl. The need to feel cared for... the need to control... All these things. I am so wrong. Everything I've done is wrong. All of this that's happening is my fault. You've done nothing wrong. IC said you are in the driver's seat. I will support anything you want to do. I am wrong. I was telling my dad last night that you are a great man. You would be so better off without me. So better off. I'm so sorry."

I told her no calls or texts unless it's an S11 emergency. She is now calling me. And now she's here unexpectedly and I still feel shaky.

[Wonka]

HP,

Oh boy...your W is bouncing all over the place. Her IC is hers alone and for her to figure out with him/her. This is her journey.

I wouldn't offer to extend the lease. If W wants the lease, then it better be in her name only. You need to take care of yourself and S11.

Cannot wait to hear about your GAL activity tonight with your father and son.

You're doing really, really well under very difficult circumstances. Frankly, I don't think I'd DB as well as you have so far.

The next time W asks what she's done to you...blah, blah...respond, "It is not pleasant to seeing our family blown apart with your ongoing affair that you refuse to end by choice. Of course, I am very sad about all of this and never wanted a S or D. I do hope you can figure this out. In the meantime, I am focused on protecting myself and S11 from this fall out."

[Wonka]

P.S. Your W isn't in MLC. Trust me on that one as a former MLCer and knowing some signposts of MLC. She's just an angry WAW who thinks her AP is the answer to all of her problems.

[HPoirot]

Thank you for making that clear Wonka. She is clearly angry and resentful and yes her reasons for her anger with me and our life are real. I share a lot of them. I can see how she can see her problems being solved going this way despite the immense pain she's causing all of us including herself. She's just so vehemently angry.. then she gets sad and depressed. Hard to see how anything could be worth all this destruction.

When she came in here a little while ago... I see we both have the same high stress on our faces. I will work to get back to the calm cool guy I was the other day.

Funny... she called me b/c she was having car trouble. Got mad at me b/c I didn't answer.

I'm just tired of her now after these past days despite the fact that I am in a lot of pain over her choices. I know there's nothing I can do or say to soothe her anger and cause her to have faith in us again. There was so much I wanted to say during her speech this morning.

And thank you for you script. Regarding me truth darting her A... I see she has separated her actions in 2...

1. she does not love me now and does not see a future for us.

2. she wants her AP to solve her problems.

Whenever I truth dart her on her #2... she says what we're going through has nothing to do with the #2. She always throws #1 back at me. So, even without the A, she still won't get past #1.

So I'm done talking to her. I'm ready to happily learn to live on my own with s11 for 6 months. Then I'll re-evaluate and go another 6 months depending. Then that's it.

Also sticking with the 95% reduction in contact with W. No R talks. Not even if she starts talking right? She says she wants to be heard. She told me "At least OM listens" after I stopped really talking to her.

And that you so much for saying that I am DBing. Often I am not sure. It gives me hope that I'm really doing something that might bring us all together again as a family one day. Despite how rough this has been... part of me still wants that. If she ever does... I know we can work it out. We're both good people in a bad place.

She'll be home any minute now with s11. I can be cool calm and happy around her.

I have a lot to look forward to.

[JCred]

HP,
You are doing JUST FINE...
Great job this morning....

Remember
Even Michelle says in DR
Question:
1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing?

Answer: FALSE.....

Michelle says..All marriages, even the best of marriages have their ups and downs. It's impossible to live under the same roof with another human being for any length of time and NOT disagree now and then. People in loving marriages understand that conflict goes with the marital territory. It's more than unavoidable, it's NECESSARY. People need to let off steam and air their differences. When they don't, they're in for trouble. The fact is, the single biggest predictor of divorce is the constant avoidance of conflict.

You did fine. Your wife understands deep inside. She knows what she is doing is wrong... Just keep fine tuning.

How do we know your wife understood your anger this morning?
BECAUSE SHE TOLD YOU..
This..

All of this that's happening is my fault. You've done nothing wrong.

Now this was AFTER she came back in.. So we can see that what you are doing is working... She is teetering back and forth.. No biggie.. This is what we want.... Just keep the pressure off.. No matter what you are hearing from others about your anger we know your wife understands it because of what she said....

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG....I was telling my dad last night that you are a great man

You are gaining her respect back, which shows you are on the right track.. Even she says you have done nothing wrong... She's feeling the guilt now because she feels you slipping away.... Back and forth in her own private thoughts.. Keep the pressure off. Let her come to her own conclusions..

Sometimes a little anger is necessary....It's ok. You handled it just fine.

Michelle says it's ok...... Move forward......
You are doing fine....
Keep fine tuning...

[vertex]

Good luck, HPoirot. Praying for you. And I believe you when you say you both are two good people in a bad place. That's how I feel about my W and me and that is what gives me hope that a new M can be rebuilt once the two of us can individually heal and get to a better place.

[25yearsmlc]

Ahhhh....

(There! I thought I'd get that^^ off my chest. )

Thank you for making that clear Wonka. She is clearly angry and resentful and yes her reasons for her anger with me and our life are real. I share a lot of them.

true. She's not "insane" to feel sad or angry and you're right, she has reasons. The ones you share with her are probably not the same, but so what?

It's good now and then, to simply acknowledge that there are parts of this that are not delusional or wacky.


I can see how she can see her problems being solved going this way despite the immense pain she's causing all of us including herself. She's just so vehemently angry.. then she gets sad and depressed. Hard to see how anything could be worth all this destruction.

I hear you. I really do.

But she has a lot of stuff that comes from the earlier years in the m (in which you play a role)

AND from her childhood, some of which overlap w/the m, and or confirm her fears.

IMO She was raised to DOUBT that she was/is worthy of a "great epic love" and then you came along and to her, confirmed that b/c you both seemed to believe your OW was your "real" love....

Yet now you are confusing her by saying you DO want the marriage to her to work, and then you seem tired of all the drama, (which might striker her as inconsistent, no matter how reasonable to us)

and the actual issues from your m also are playing a role and now, finally, she's facing her own demons too. That's a big lousy combination...


When she came in here a little while ago... I see we both have the same high stress on our faces. I will work to get back to the calm cool guy I was the other day.


That's ^^ a smart solution based approach to take now. GOOD!

Funny... she called me b/c she was having car trouble. Got mad at me b/c I didn't answer.

I'm just tired of her now after these past days despite the fact that I am in a lot of pain over her choices. I know there's nothing I can do or say to soothe her anger and cause her to have faith in us again. There was so much I wanted to say during her speech this morning.

And thank you for you script. Regarding me truth darting her A... I see she has separated her actions in 2...


Just one comment about the "truth darts", (Other than not being hypocritical with them) and that is to limit them to at most 2 per "session".

More than 2, won't get through.

1. she does not love me now and does not see a future for us.

2. she wants her AP to solve her problems.

Whenever I truth dart her on her #2... she says what we're going through has nothing to do with the #2. She always throws #1 back at me. So, even without the A, she still won't get past #1.

So I'm done talking to her. I'm ready to happily learn to live on my own with s11 for 6 months. Then I'll re-evaluate and go another 6 months depending. Then that's it.

This^^ is a great plan with little to no downside and huge potential for upside.

I think you should Stay on this path as long as you can.

Also sticking with the 95% reduction in contact with W. No R talks. Not even if she starts talking right? She says she wants to be heard. She told me "At least OM listens" after I stopped really talking to her.


You could listen (= gather intel about her newest phase or what is really sticking and not changing with each week's passing)

And simply NOT really reply...Maybe just say "thanks for sharing that. Now I have to process what you just said..."

and so she cannot say you don't listen
and yet you can avoid making a decision in the heat of the moment/pain.

And that you so much for saying that I am DBing. Often I am not sure. It gives me hope that I'm really doing something that might bring us all together again as a family one day. Despite how rough this has been... part of me still wants that. If she ever does... I know we can work it out. We're both good people in a bad place.

Keep^^ this healthy attitude, in mind. IT'll serve you well no matter what.

She'll be home any minute now with s11. I can be cool calm and happy around her.

I have a lot to look forward to.

GREAT PMA and GREAT DBing. Good for you HP. Keep it up.

You really can do this.

[HPoirot]

Thank you 25! I appreciate you keeping me honest about my hypocrisy. You did see I told W about my A. She understandably, given the circumstances, dismissed it at the time but she has already brought it up once in regards to telling S11 what she has really done (which she says she is afraid I will do). So we'll see how she uses it next.

And thank you so much for your positive encouragement. You have rightly been very hard on me for my anger and holier than thou attitude toward my wife. I am concerned about my lack of empathy since my BD but I look forward to getting back to that once I get some distance from her. It would be wonderful to hear your opinions on my boundary work now as your posts on my early angry boundary thrashing showed me the better way so wonderfully before... even though I jumped the gun on and stumbled through your advice.

It is very encouraging to me to hear you think I am doing well with PMA and DBing. I did just decide to be happier when talking to her. When she just came home and called me... I was prepared and happy. I came out cheerfully and answered her questions. She returned the cheer. I remember when I act "as if" the conversation will go well it usually does. I can stay ahead of her moods... even influence them... by carrying myself with grace and happiness.

And you're right... I know she's not insane and I do feel badly for her pain from our M and the pain she finds in my actions to protect myself and S11. There's nothing I can do about that and I hope she finds her way where ever that goes.

Yet now you are confusing her by saying you DO want the marriage to her to work, and then you seem tired of all the drama, (which might striker her as inconsistent, no matter how reasonable to us)

What you said there is interesting. I am now shifting to saying it is too late for our M to work as I move farther away from her as I AM tired of all her drama. Does that new consistency matter regarding my goal of R in your opinion?

Sincerely... it has been wonderful to get your advice on my sitch. When you first started posting here... I could not have imagined doing many of the things you talked about. Even though I've had a few very angry moments lately... I remember your empathy advice and it does help me very much.

It is fantastic to know you think I'm doing a good job right now in my daily drama series. I will keep it up.

Thank you 25.

[Vanilla]

What you are doing HP looks very good to me.

The guidance you are getting from the vets is very powerful and you have the support of us ordinary folk.

Peace
Vanilla

[25yearsmlc]

Dang HP

I did NOT see that you told your w!

....okay, okay, I'll go track down that posting...(i'm going! )

any hints where I might find it?