New here and need to know I'm not crazy

[samiam4]

I found out 4 months ago about my husbands affair with his secretary. It was both a physical and emotional affair, and they had very strong feelings for each other. He ended it with her because he decided to be with me, but the drama continued for another couple of weeks on her part until finally ending at the end of August. My husband has expressed true remorse for what he did and has been nothing but an absolutely amazing husband and father since that time. We've done a lot of work on our marriage to fix what was wrong in the first place, and I'm seeing a counselor for myself and my issues. My problem is that I feel so angry with him and resentful for what he did. I find myself snapping at him over nothing and feeling even more hurt than I did in the first month after I found out about his affair. Is this normal? Shouldn't I be feeling better by now, not worse, especially since everything is going so well between us?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Cadet]

My problem is that I feel so angry with him and resentful for what he did.
I find myself snapping at him over nothing and feeling even more hurt than I did in the first month after I found out about his affair.
Is this normal?
Shouldn't I be feeling better by now, not worse, especially since everything is going so well between us?

I think a certain amount of anger is normal.
But at some point you need to forgive him if you are going to have a normal marriage.
What PLAN are you carrying out to recover?
He has expressed true remorse and what is in place to keep this from happening again?

What made him stop his affair?

[Sotto]

Hi, it isnt surprising at all that you feel the way you do. But good that your H has ended the A and is trying to repair things.

Have you read DR? There is a useful section in the infidelity chapter on how to help the LBS recover. Might be helpful to review what you are doing against that.

Have you considered MC at all? Do you feel you are communicating well with each other about what has happened? Is your H willing to do whatever it takes to help you both move on from this?

I would be compassionate with yourself though. It is absolutely normal to feel the way you feel. Infidelity cuts to the very heart of the foundations of a M and you won't recover overnight. But the good news is that around 70% of Ms do survive infidelity...

Best of luck with things :-)

[sandi2]

Welcome to our group. There are many here who can identify with what you are feeling. I haven't counted, but I'd guess the majority of newcomers have not arrived at the place you find yourself (resentment) and are more focused on just wanting to get the WAS back again.

It is good you are in counseling. How about your H? Are the two of you seeking professional guidance in piecing your M back together again?

You talk about how amazing he has been since reconciling, could you share some of the things you both have done to work on the M? I think you could help others here, as well as receive encouragement too.

I come from the other side of the fence (as they say). I understand fully about resentment, but not for the same reasons you do. Speaking as a former WAW, I can tell you that if he is truly remorseful, he has punished himself more than you could know. If he had the power to go back and undo what he did, I'm sure he would in a second.

Based on what I have read from others, it must be pretty common for the LBS to experience the anger after they reconcile as a couple. I have studied the subject of forgiveness, and I have learned it is for both parties (the forgiver and forgiven). Resentment will turn you into a bitter old woman who nobody wants to be around. I have seen this happen many times. You can become a prisoner to your resentment, or you can choose to be free by forgiving your H for everything.

I have also learned the "sinner" does not have to deserve your forgiveness, and really can't work for it or get good enough for it (an example is your great H). It isn't about whether or not he should be forgiven. You do from it from a position of grace. You may read some of our posters say it is a gift. Indeed, it is a gift for yourself (to be set free of the resentment) and to him.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him, and have peace for yourself.

[theoden]

Samiam,

Hi! Sandi had said some important things. It's important to remember that Divorce Busting is mostly aimed at people who are desperately trying to re-attract their Walk-away spouse, who is often in an affair. You are encouraged to detach, ask very little, "Get-a-life", make your desires smaller, etc.

You are, technically, in DB-lingo, in the "piecing" stage, which is a very different strategy. This is where your BOTH work on the marriage. But, in some cases, it's where the former cheater works harder than betrayed spouse. There's lots of good material out there about reconciliation. Mostly it tells you that the spouse who cheated has got to come clean, show remorse, be transparent/honest and willing to show themselves to be trustworthy.

Best of luck to you.

--Theoden

[Wonka]

Samiam,

You might want to check out Dear Peggy website for I think it goes really well hand-in-hand with DBing approaches.

The Dear Peggy website is chockful of information on affairs and how to get past them.

Keep coming here, sweetie. This is an incredibly supportive community who will aid you along the healing path.

Another idea you might want to pursue is looking into SBT (solution based therapy) with a MC who has a background in Gottman principles. Gottman has studies thousands of couples and has written some really good books.

The one book that you might want to start reading is:

After the Affair by Janis A. Spring

She's also written other books on forgiveness and surviving an affair.

Godspeed on your journey of forgiveness and growth.

[UpperCu]

Samiam,

I'm so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through right now. I am going through it too, so I know how the pain of betrayal can eat you alive.

Please be thankful you have your spouse still. I wish my W was willing to work on the M, but she just moved out this week and has told me our M is over.

Your thread has just been flooded by some great posters who have a lot of advice and experience to share. Read it all closely, they have really been through a lot and helped others through a lot.

What is your H doing to work on himself? What things did you do before your M that you no longer do now? I'd love to hear more details of your last few months.

[sandi2]

Are you still here?

[samiam4]

I'm so sorry for not responding sooner. I didn't have access to the computer for a few days Thank you all for your input. I realize that I'm at a very different point than where I was when I first found out about the affair, and I wish I had found this website sooner.
My H feels very remorseful and ashamed of what he did. He can't believe that he let himself get fooled into having the affair and he's ashamed of himself for the pain he caused me and the kids. We didn't feel it was necessary to go to MC together, as we have had great communication since the A happened. My counselor also doesn't feel that it would be wise to do MC together and bring back all that heartache from the A that we both experienced.
As far as myself and what I'm doing, I'm trying not to be so controlling, needy and clingy. All big issues I had before the affair which, in some way, contributed to my H being unhappy and unfaithful. Not to say that I take any blame for what happened, because he certainly had a choice, but there were things I knew I needed to work on afterwards to make myself better. He takes full responsibility for all of it and doesn't blame me at all. As far as what he's doing to make things better; he answers his phone every time I call, he tells me where he will be and calls if he will be home late, and he's taking on more responsibility around the house and with the kids. I appreciate what he's doing so much, which is why I can't understand the anger I have with him. I figured the anger would happen sooner, but after I discovered the affair all I wanted to do was reconcile. I guess I just never expected this anger to occur.