New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

Need some help... As I suspected she reached out first thing this AM via email to discuss Child Support offers and next steps. And I quote...

"Good morning. How were the kids last night? I think I had a touch of the bug, but powered through...

I figured you probably didn't want to discuss this over the holidays, but now they are over, I wanted to follow-up so that we can wrap it up."

I think it is interesting that she said "I figured you probably didn't want to discuss this over the holidays..."

I am guessing that I need to meet this head on to finish it up.

[lost18]

Guess you're a better mind-reader than me! Sorry to hear that, sorry that I don't have any advice for you.

[mahhhty]

Haha I guess so Lost. Maybe I'm just lucky.

On top of the child support email, that I haven't answered yet.... We were exchanging texts tonight for an alteration to our schedule (which was fine), but in addition to that she told me that my niece (her sister's daughter) will have her birthday party on the 17th and I'll be invited. This is like Christmas all over. She says one thing but then invites me "for the kids."

I'm not sure what I should do. Go to another "in-law" function or play a true distancer role? I haven't asked her any questions about the confusing Christmas behavior, but I don't really want to be somewhere I am not wanted. Her family wants me there but does she?

I guess I am leaning towards making a short upbeat happy uncle appearance. Just to reinforce my relationship with my nieces.

[mahhhty]

Got the flu late last night and received the followup emails, about how I am delaying. On the second round of email I answered with a "I" statement... "I’m sorry you see it as delaying, I was trying to have the best holiday possible."

I wish I could say or do something to promote a moment of thought where she might second guess it all. But I know that is wishful thinking.

I guess its time to roll up my sleeves and finish what she started.

I miss her.

[Karma12]

Hi there,

I'm on the boards because my hubby is going through a midlife crisis and we are currently separated. This though was my second marriage. I was married the first time when I was only 19 and stayed married until I turned 30. During that time we had four children. It was my choice to split so I guess at that time I was the WAS. The way the MC explained it to my hubby was think of your favorite team being in the playoffs and they lost. Now you are no longer that interested in the playoffs. That's where your wife is. I was emotionally shut down and it takes along time for a woman to get there. What has been said in other posts about the WAS not believing the changes right away is totally true. My spouse at the time suddenly tried doing all the things inhale been complaining about. Including sending me flowers ect. It was all a little too late and the more he pushed the further I closed off. Then he'd get mad and remind me through his behavior why I wanted to leave. Now if he had backed off, given me space, had PMA and GAL do I think we would have worked out? I don't know. What I do know though is I would have taken a second look and if his changes stayed long term who knows. Just a little insight for you. 😉

[mahhhty]

I've read this about many times. Thank you Karma. BTW I love this... Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.

[lost18]

I just set that quote as the background for my desktop. Perfect!

[mahhhty]

Yesterday I was a different person than I was tonight...Child support conversation lingers on. I am trying to communicate effectively. I think she believes I am stalling. I am not trying to stall but to be careful, think clearly and not emotionally. She only communicates to me on her terms or when she needs something. I have a closet full of her clothes 2 months after she has moved out, which are not a priority for her.

Like CS wasn't enough, tonight, I put myself through a painful ordeal. I for the first time looked at old pictures and read some old things she wrote. It just made me think how the mighty have fallen. Things were amazing between us at one time, we lost our way, but I still refuse to believe that with love, an open heart and an open mind we couldn't turn it around. And there lies the conundrum... She does not have love or an open heart or an open mind. She does not need my approval or agreement. I need to accept that she believes she's doing the right thing for herself and perhaps maybe the kids. I need to accept it, but it is hard to accept something you don't believe.

I am distancing myself, detaching myself and am upbeat in face to face actions or discussions on the phone with kids. We do not talk on the phone one on one. It is these email interactions that drag me back.

[seaspin]

I still refuse to believe that with love, an open heart and an open mind we couldn't turn it around.

I'm with you there. I wish my WAS would believe it too.

it is hard to accept something you don't believe.

I agree. I have that same problem.

[mahhhty]

The CS conversation continued last night via email. She was upset thinking I was stalling. I scheduled some time to talk to her this AM. And we had a good but difficult conversation. I am making deposits into her bank. And was able to defuse the conversation twice. I was even able to work in a few jokes. We talked for 40 minutes this AM.

Then tonight she called me and the conversation continued. Some real progress was being made as far as the CS conversation, and other topics were brought up randomly.