How have you been working on detachment and GAL for yourself? I see a lot of things you listed that you are doing with H in mind and that is good, but what are you doing for yourself? This has been one of the hardest things for me. To "let go" in a healthy manner and take care of yourself as well. Do some journaling, learn about detachment, read sandi2's 37 rules (daily if need be).
Keep yourself healthy.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/24/1612:35 PM. Reason: removed link
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
I read in a book onetime - put some pillows on the bed and bash them with a rolled up newspaper...swearing and ranting whilst you do it. Do this for about 5 minutes. It does help to release the anger, and you are doing it in a way that doesn't 'damage' anything.
I have done this a few times, and have felt better. I pretend the pillows are H and sometimes OW and I ''smash their faces in!" Of course, I'd never do that in real life, but it does me good to pretend!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I felt as if things were going so well a year and a half after I got the ILYBINILWY speech and that H wanted out of the marriage. We are still sleeping in separate bedrooms (his choice) but he seemed happy, engaged in life again with me, planning future trips and projects together. I really felt we were in piecing. And then it all derailed and I am still reeling from how fast it happened.
All seemed, although not prefect, like we were on a good path going forward. And then my MIL called and said she was coming in to town for one night and wanted to stay in our guest room (where my H currently sleeps). I told him we could put her off and tell her we were going to be away. He told he he felt he could handle one night sleeping in the bed with me. Well, apparently he couldn't. In the days leading up to the MIL coming to stay he good moodier and moodier and more miserable.
The night the MIL stayed he practically had to force himself to go to bed. For a bit I though he was just going sit up all night in our living room to avoid it.
Having to sleep in our marriage bed seemed to traumatize him. That was a week and a half ago now and he has not recovered. He almost looks as if he has gone dead inside. He goes through the motions and he is polite enough but he no longer engages me in conversation unless he has to and he no longer discussed future plans, like the trip to Hawaii we have booked in October, which he had been so excited about before all of this happened.
To be clear, he has always been a very closed off person emotionally. He holds everything inside and tends to be very passive aggressive.
I just feel hopeless at the moment. I feel like he has just completely checked out. Like he is just biding his time till he can figure out what to do.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/24/1612:38 PM. Reason: merged posts
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cadet, thank you so much for all of the above information.
I have read both the Divorce Busting book and the Divorce Remedy book and have done my best to put them into practice for about the last year and a half. Up to this point I felt very positive about the small changes that have happened over time. I really felt like things were changing for the better up until this past few weeks.
Thank you for pointing out to me that he may have depression. I think you may well be right on the button there. It does run in his family. His brother sufferers quite severely from depression as well as a number of his cousins.
Realizing that it may be depression helps make me feel a little better that I at least have a clue about what might drive his actions currently. The problem is, he won't even take aspirin for a headache. The chances of him taking any kind of depression meds or even talking to a professional about it would be less than zero. Trying to discuss it with him, I feel, would make him angry and drive a further wedge between us.
