For those new to my story, here is a brief synopsis of my situation:
2006 - 2011: I was addicted to escort services. I cheated on my W for 5 years, using family money to finance my infidelity, losing jobs, losing friends, and losing my integrity.
2011 - 2014: My W carried the pain of my past indiscretions, and lost a sense of trust and security in me. I was oblivious to the level of pain I caused.
May 1st - W engaged in EA then PA with her manager at work, who is also married with two kids.
June 25th - W drops bomb on me. Tells me she has decided to leave me, and also reveals OM. Identity of OM is revealed a week later.
July - Confusion, pain, begging & pleading, trying to make my case to keep the family intact. Lots of conversations (too much, actually) about the R, the A, and the OM. Went back & forth between telling my W that I am letting her go, and telling her that I want her back.
August - Made a committment to follow DB methods 100%, and to become a man only a fool would leave. Struggled a lot with setting boundaries.
September - Difficult month with birthdays and anniversary. More tears. More pursuit. More contacts with OMW which eroded more trust my W had in me. OM leaves to start new job 2000 miles away.
October - New jobs for both my W and I. An awakening, and a change of scenery in my life. More time spent GAL. Less pressure put on W. Day-to-day interactions more pleasant.
Children (7 and 3) have been shielded from the situation and are unaware of what's going on (so we think). We still live under the same roof, share finances. Everything else is the same.
Over the months, I've become more involved as a parent and as a domestic partner. I've also taken my career more seriously and I actually see a bright future for myself. I've treated my W and her parents with more respect and thoughtfulness. Despite the situation, I'm in a much better state -- mentally, physically, and spiritually.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I have another ballroom dancing lesson tonight. My W still doesn't know, even though she's asked about my whereabouts. I'm wondering how long I should continue to keep this from her.
When I told her about my lesson tonight, I simply said, "I will be going out tonight for a little while."
She replied, "What time are you going to be home"?
I answered, "About 8:30".
She replied, "Okay. The kids and i can be silly together."
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
You know... my W knows a couple who were in worse M shape than we are. One of them invited the other to take ballroom dancing lessons... "Hey W, I'm going to my ballroom dancing lesson. Care to join me?" (Then, if she says no, go anyway. What if you even took charge and arranged kid care yourself beforehand and chose a place for drinks later just in case.) This couple started to dance competitively and it saved their marriage. The shared hobby, touching, and the man learning to lead... that sort of thing. I will be doing this myself next month as part of my GAL.
Last edited by HPoirot; 11/06/1407:44 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Taking ballroom dance lessons was something she wanted to do with me in the past. I think one reason why I initially hesitated telling her was because I didn't want her to think this was something I'm doing as a "tactic" to get her back. Another reason was the advise of my DB coach who said that I don't always need to tell her where I'm going or what I'm doing. Be a little mysterious.
I started doing it because I thought of a GAL activity I could do that would be completely out of character for me. I came across an advertisement for a beginner lesson special, and I went for it. I ended up having a great time and it's a wonderful way to take my mind off things.
I suppose at this point, I could simply be honest with her and just let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps she'll value the honesty (and transparency) enough that it's worth any suspicion of my motives. And besides, any such suspicion is speculation on my part, and yes, mind-reading.
One of my friends who is close to the situation even suggested that I reveal it to her and at the same time, ask if she wants to go with me. Make it a casual suggestion.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I went out this evening, just to enjoy some time to myself. I went to the mall and did some clothes shopping. I am very fit now, so I felt like I needed some new clothes, and I wanted to buy some things that I've never owned before, but always wanted to try -- like a designer vest! There was a big sale at Express Men and I ended up with a dark charcoal vest, black jeans, and a jacket.
After shopping, I went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory. I sat at the bar, and struck up a nice conversation with the bartender.
I left the mall for my first group lesson @ the dance studio. What a great time I had! I had a chance to meet some really nice people, and I think I really enjoy dancing (who knew?)!
I came home afterwards and my W was doing her exercise program while the kids were playing by themselves. I went upstairs and taught my 7-yo some of the new dance moves I learned.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
So my W and I have ironed out plans for this weekend. Much of it is centered around preparation for our cruise. That being said, these coming days and weeks will be the longest she will be physically separated from the OM. The last time she saw him was on Nov 2. I know that the next three weekends are occupied (two for the cruise). This means she won't be seeing him until after Thanksgiving.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, I'm anxious about that day. We don't have an annual tradition and we do different things every year. The only constant is that we're always together as a family (the 4 of us). It'll be interesting how this plays out.
One thing I wanted to do was to cook a thanksgiving meal by myself. I've been spending a lot of time cooking these past couple of months, it's something I want to try anyways. If I invite my immediate family, my W will surely be elsewhere. She does not want to see my brother, my SIL, or my parents. Then comes the other X-factor, and that is, inviting her own parents -- who have no real issue with my side of the family. I don't know if I should put that kind of pressure on her. But then again, if it's something that I want to do, why should I cater my happiness around her at this time?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I had a pretty ho-hum weekend. Ran a bunch of errands with and w/out my W in preparation for the trip, etc.
Interesting parenting moment...
Yesterday, she told our 7-yo that he shouldn't raise his voice at her. When asked "OK, mom, why do you yell at YOUR parents?" -- my W's response was, "Don't follow me as an example."
(Wait, what?)
After a pause, she continued, "That is wrong of me to yell at your grandma & grandpa. I need to fix that. But only follow the good things that I do."
I was standing right by the both of them as this conversation happened. My W even looked me as she was saying this and began chuckling, unable to keep a straight face. I had this perplexed look on my face.
She said, "From now on, anytime you raise your voice inappropriately to your sister, to me, to your dad, or to your grandma/grandpa, I will mark a point against you. If you get three points, I will take something away.
My son, being the clever boy he is, responded, "OK, well that means every time you yell, then I get to count a point against you too."
My W answered, "OK, we have a deal."
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
My W had indicated back in July (when we 1st drew up our 'controlled separation' agreement) that we are to both open our own separate bank accounts, and that equal funds are to be continually deposited into our existing joint checking account (to pay for household expenses, etc.), with the remainder going into our individual accounts.
A month ago, she reiterated her intention to open her own account and suggested I do the same -- to which I replied, "All my earnings will continue to go into our family account".
I just learned that she opened her own separate account, because I received an e-mail alert notifying that two small deposits were made (usually done to link an outside account for easy bank transfers). I'm not sure what to make of this. I don't think she intends to withdraw money from our joint SAVINGS account (which is from a separate institution than our checking account, and has far more money in it), but I could be wrong. I'm not sure what I should say or do here as far as taking action to protect myself financially.
As far as her work paychecks, I'm fairly certain (based on my knowledge of her salary) that her entire paycheck is being deposited into our joint checking account, just like mine is.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
