Wife has left and filed for divorce

[nit84]

Vertex,

I am extremely sorry you are going through this.

My W also filed the D papers back in April. We had a hearing for Spousal support and I was order to pay her an amount that I thought was unfair but figured since she was still living in the M home with me. and paying bills it only would be about 100.00 per month after bills.

I basically put too much trust in my W. She has not paid any credit card bills in 6 months this due to her L I am sure. I have covered all expenses. She moved out at the end of Sept.

At that time she presented me with an offer for settlement that was way over the line really one-sided. I countered offered with something I thought was fair. Basically I offered this back in Aug but she wasn't happy because she thought it made it too easy for me to get the house. When it was actually proposed in Oct her L responded saying we were too far apart and they would just wait till the 2 year S date in June 2015.(this their date) My date is actually May of 2016. Now who is road blocking?

Anyway, I then scheduled a modification hearing to lower the Spousal support since she is no living in the M home. She is living with her GrandMother rent free and as far as I know has yet to get her(we both own it)car inspected it is 4 months overdue. I also am eligible for a Mortgage Modification.

They postponed that till the 1st week of the new year.

Wonka is right if you aren't comfortable slow the process down do not give in and just roll over to their demands.

The night my W handed me the D papers I was really hurting but I looked at my W and I told her "ok I need to say this to you, Whatever happens from now on is in no way a reflection of how I feel about you. It is now a business transaction and I have to protect myself just like you do." she responded "you are going to get vicious aren't you?" I said "I will try not to but I will do whatever my L tells me is in my best interest."

Around June my W started saying things like "you are roadblocking this D. I have to do all the work and it is not fair." I then went out and did things that she wanted me to do but when the numbers starting shaking out she got real mad because it was a money thing for her. Once it became apparent that her "goal" amount was not reachable she wants to wait till a judge decides our fate. In waiting she also gets to collect spousal support for that much longer.

I have no(maybe a slight)problem giving my W 50% because the law pretty says that is how it will be unless she full on admits to her A and just takes what is hers and start a new life.

I am ok with the process going slow. I still want to work on my M and it is tough to do when she is not living here and is in an A but I keep bettering myself with this alone time. Some intel that I have gives me hope that the A, while not in imminent danger of ending, is most likely not going to amount anything in the future. At least that is what I pray happens.

doesn't mean a R is in the cards but as long as we are M there is still a chance.

Hang in there and stay strong.

Great advice Wonka!! If you have some time could you go back to my thread once again. I answered those questions you asked and I now need some more feedback Thank you very much in advance!!

[vertex]

I'm sorry about your sitch, nit. I would say there's still a chance for R even if the D goes through--I think 25 would agree--but it'll take a lot of work. That's the hope for my sitch.

I'm okay with the process going slow, too, but sometimes I just want to get this limbo over. And I feel like my W won't be open to any sort of R until she gets her D, as weird as that may sound.

I just don't know what to do with the letter that she wrote me on 8/27/14 pleading with me to give her another chance, apologizing for her bad things, and wanting to grow a strong family with me for our kids. She said she had a wake-up call, and yet 1.5 months later she was gone. So very weird.

Every day my heart breaks for my boys who don't deserve this.

[vertex]

Just saw on FB that my W friended an ex-bf. Granted, he has a gf, but still. Seems like she's doing just to get at me (I know, this is mind-reading). I asked her to unfriend him years ago because I wasn't comfortable with them being friends on FB, so that's why I think she's doing it to get under my skin.

And all the things she puts on FB makes her seem like she's completely fine and enjoying life, and here I am alone, hurting, trying to get all the paperwork ready, etc.

[Wet]

Hi vertex, I am sorry for the pain that you are going through.

But there is one thing I can help you with - unfriend your W from FB, this is basic DB'ing. Every time you look at her page/posts, you are inflicting pain on yourself. By seeing what your W is doing, who she is "friending", etc., you are letting her words (which you can't trust anyway) cause you pain. And the "mind-reading" based on what you saw? You know that this also isn't helpful.

Get the focus back on you, and GAL. Good luck.

[Rick1963]

DB vets recommend not to snoop. It only hurts you. Looking at her FB page will affect you. I did the same thing. Snooping becomes an addiction. You are hoping to find a sign that she is unhappy or misses you. But, you find the opposite. You dont really know how she is feeling by what you are reading or seeing.
The one thing you do know is that when you snoop you feel hurt.

[nit84]

I had a hard time with FB also, Kept thinking every post was about me and I would put things on there to try and get a rise out of my W.

I know she was paying attention because she would comment to me in person not on FB about some posts. It got to be really childish and because I cant control my W and what she posts I let it go. Then back in July she completely blocked me so that has helped me to detach further because my mind doesn't wonder anymore whether a post is about me.

Some of my friends will let me know if something is posted but now it is just doesn't bother me.

I know what you mean about the limbo. It stinks!! But I am ok with Limbo at the moment because it is that or D. So I am picking limbo for now.

I also found some Love letters recently that my W wrote me in 1998. I read them and it made me sad. It made me realize though that people change. My W has changed I have changed and now I am trying to change again back to the person my W fell in love with.

I hope it works with my W but if not it will make some other woman very happy that I put in the work to realize what it takes to make a M work.


Hang in there and keep being that great Father to your boys

[vertex]

Great advice, guys. I know I should not snoop on my W and read into every little thing she does on FB, but it's been hard not to when her L requested a mutual RO and we have had no contact AT ALL since 10/15/14. So I feel like FB is the only way I can really communicate with her (via pictures of what I'm doing with the boys, etc.). And I wonder if she's chosen that medium to communicate with me sometimes, because in the past few weeks she has started liking my friends' and family's posts and photos. For example, last weekend she liked my mom's photo of my boys, and so I read into that something like, "Well, I don't think a women who hates her H would do that, so maybe she still feels something for me!" And I was able to let myself fall into that mind-reading trap because my MIL has also told me many times that my W still loves me.

So, with the fact that FB right now is our only means of communicating to one another, do you all still think I should block her?

[Wonka]

Vertex,

I would NOT recommend that you block or unfriend W through FB. Just keep that line of communication because of the context of your mutual RO. Speaking of which, what is the status of your RO? I am going to keep at it until we get some clear answers from your L.

Yeah, looking at W's FB can either be a positive thing or a negative thing depending on your perspective. It is all a matter of perspective. How you react to a certain FB post is strongly correlated to how you think of that particular person. All thoughts drive emotions/reactions.

[nit84]

Vertex,

My W did all the same things. She liked everything my family and friends put on FB and it had me reeling. Like Wonka said don't block or unfriend her take the high road just try to not let it bother you.

After the Spousal support hearing My W blocked me and then my Family and some friends. I guess she thought I gained some info from that source but in reality I didn't.

She just couldn't handle the fact that I may see something that she doesn't want me to.

I am still Friends with most of her family on FB only my MIL has blocked me also but I expected that because she does what ever my W tells her to do. The role of Mom/Daughter are completely switched in their relationship.

[nit84]

One question what is RO I have seen it and cant put a definition to it