Which of the love languages do you use, to give love ????
My primary LL that I gave to W were Affection and Acts of Service.
On the Affection, I previously explained that because of W's fibromyalgia her back at the end of the day she was always in pain. So at the end of the day, we were in bed together, and I gave her a massage or back rub. When W woke up in the morning, my computer area was set in the living room so I could see as she came down the stairs, and I greeted her just about every morning with "Good morning beautiful!" (words of affirmation, and every email before DB I started by calling her "M'love") and I often would also come and give her a hug.
We frequently hugged, held hands, and gave each other little kisses thru the day. When she passed me in the kitchen, I would give a little pat on her bottom, and she would give a little shake of her booty.
My other primary LL is 'Acts of Service'. I always let my W sleep in, and so if kids needed a drive to school, or any other morning activity I was the primary caretaker for this. After my W had our 3rd child, and we had 3 young kids/babies, I made sure her car had a remote starter to warm up the car during the cold Minnesota days. I always did anything my W asked for help with.
My problem again is that I failed to give W the two things which she wanted most, more money coming in, and Quality Time out with just the two of us.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
How did she give love ??
My W gave love by showing her happiness, her physical affection, by giving time to talk with me and listen to my day. She also was very thoughtful. She would buy me things like a Zune (ok, no jokes), which let me transfer my many cd's to the Zune, which was such a fun project for many months. Or a LP player that had a cd converter to it, which she knew that I would love.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
How did she receive love ??
I'm not sure what you mean here. But my W was appreciative whenever I did anything thoughtful for her. She would frequently come up and give me a big hug or a kiss, when I did something for her.
When W left me, she said that the hardest part was that I was the most devoted and adoring husband around - I am sure there are a number of husbands on this board who can say the same thing.
- I'm messed up; - W is messed up; - OM is messed up.
So I've made my first priority to stop being judgmental towards my W, and stop caring about what she is doing. I went to Divorce Care Tuesday night and my Men's Group this morning, and that was my prayer request for me. And if I am having judgmental thoughts about my W (my recent one is my being upset when W said "it's just a piece of paper"), then I turn it around and ask God to bless my W because she is the Mother of our 4 children. Or bc she was instrumental in my faith story, etc.)
So I've decided to not go forward with finishing up our divorce. I can do this, I can stand for our marriage - today, I can do this.
I need to get the focus back on me. I have to stop the pity party bc I'm in a neck brace and in pain. I have to start doing more fun things that I enjoy, incl. spending time with my kids, my friends, and things that I enjoy. Last night I took d17 (who recently spent 3 months in Argentina) to a Brazilian restaurant and a movie. It turns out Brazilian cuisine is not at all close to Argentian, but we had fun anyways. GAL, GAL, GAL! Those are my marching orders, for today (at least).
- I'm messed up; - W is messed up; - OM is messed up.
So you're saying we're all broken and fall short? We're..em, equals in brokenness?
Seems you're starting to see a bigger picture, Wet. I agree, now is not the time for you to quit.
I would really like to see an answer to True's questions. I think you do too.
Argentinian and Brazilian are not the same? LOL. Glad you had a good time with your daughter. Priceless times in their lives...
AJ AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So I've decided to not go forward with finishing up our divorce. I can do this, I can stand for our marriage - today, I can do this.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Yes you can. It will help you if you start to understand why. I see my friends here have been posting to you about love...
I would venture to guess this may be testing every limit you know about the word.
And if you have not been humbled by this yet then I hope that happens soon for you.
You are here because your W is in crisis. That may be hard to remember at times...
What you do about it is YOUR choice. To choose to be a victim or to move forward on a path of Your own choosing.
Some words to think about:
How would you want to be loved when you are in a crisis?
When you are so scared you reject your family and your vows.?
When you are so confused you behave in ways that are hurtful to yourself and others you love?
When your mind is full of chaotic thoughts?
When does your W most need you to love her?
When she is calm and peaceful? Settled and sure?
That is the easy part....
So the question...
How would you want to be loved?
What does love mean for you?
First, thank you so much Jack, whytry, Truegritter, and AJ, your encouragement and support is a help to me.
I thought Truegritter's questions were rhetorical. But because AJ thinks I should actually answer them, I will.
How would I want to be loved, if I was in crisis, scared, if I was confused, and if life was chaotic? I would want to be loved unconditionally, without judgment, and with a self-giving, self-sacrificial love.
Yes, my W needs me to love her now more than ever. And you have shown me that I should be giving my W the same kind of love that I would want if my life was turned upside down ("unconditionally, without judgment, and with a self-giving, self-sacrificial love").
So that is what love means to me. Thanks for helping me to begin opening my eyes.
OK, I guess I'm the only one watching Showtime's "The Affair". But they do a good job showing the brokenness of everyone involved. Allison is married, but they lost their son, and the husband is fighting to save his family ranch, trapped into fighting for the town's old ways of doing things.
The guy Noah is a teacher/author is also married. He is fighting with his FiL who provides money for a private school for their kids, but the kids are still messed up. Showtime does a good job showing the influence of families and friends, on the two main characters.
Yes, I was hesitant to watch this show thinking I was only subjecting myself to self-inflicted pain. But it is much more interesting because of all the details they add with the secondary characters. The man is unappreciated by his W, but he doesn't put any effort into the marriage. And the woman is in a loveless marriage, and she is in such pain. And the drama of the involvement of the police, hints at something more going on. I think it is worth watching, despite the painful topic of the main characters' Affair being the central premise of the show.
