my wife requests space, deattached from me

[WillDo]

Also she is in an affair. 13 year marriage broken. We are 40 and have 5 year old twins. I have been suggested to go straight to divorce as I am the only one working on the marriage. I have a history of depression so going through therapy. What more would you suggest than 180?

ME:40 W:40
M:13
D:5, D:5
Still in the same house

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[WillDo]

180 continues. Therapy continues. Life is moving on but she still denies an affair. I am avoiding confrontation as that is negative feelings. GAL but I want to be able to improve the relationship. I am lost.

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. How about giving us your story? Have you read Divorce Remedy?

[WillDo]

I haven't read the book but have followed the articles, videos out there from Mrs. Davis.

The story is that my wife started to become emotionally distant from me on July 2014. She was fairly upset with the way I was putting effort toward the family. However, she had always been praising her colleague (OM) and that raised concerns to me. On Aug 26 I found that she was sexting him and even a note about a sex position. I videoed the messages and confronted her. She asked me to delete them which I did. She apologied for her act and said had gone too far. However, she didn't stop contact with OM. I simply regard this as midife crisis and keep away from the communications between OM and W. Otherwise, I get unstable. And as I read about it, it is best not to confront. Yes, to draw a border but she isn't out with him all the time but always in text contact. These days she goes to the toilet or says she is texting another friend when she contacts him. I can do something on things I can control. I can't control my wife.

We have recently talked that we are in a marriage that has no passion. And she asked how long we would go like this. I said that the passion would come back. So I feel things are OK now but I miss my W. There is intimacy, conversation, future plans, relationship talks but no physical bonding. I am being patient but crying everyday.

I am changing a lot. I have cut down the hours I spend at work. I do the school runs ie take the kids to school at least 3 times a week. I listen closely to what W says and keep notes not to miss any commitments I have like buy this, do this. She has acknowledged that I have changed.

I attend to therapy and try not to sway from it but wanted to hear feedback from the group as I can see a lot of similarities. I even can guess which people will say what. I am not sure

[sandi2]

You said you had intimacy, but no physical bonding. Could you explain?

[WillDo]

We talk about our dreams. We recall our old times. We laugh about our own shortcomings. We care about each other and show our concerns towards each other. We love each other. That is the intimacy. Legalized friendship a term I heard recently but she distances herself from physical attraction.

[sandi2]

It is not uncommon for the W to not desire any physical closeness with her H, when there is another man in her head.

I want to encourage you to read Divorce Remedy.

[WillDo]

Will read DR. Will try to find a way.

That's my dilemma. Should I do 180 because of OM or work on bringing back passion to the marriage? I will be concentrating on myself. The only thing I can control.

Thanks for the replies Sandi2!

[sandi2]

IMO, she probably won't desire any passion until her A has ended and she gets through the withdrawal/depression stages.

Take this time frame to 180 your bad behaviors/habits. Polish your personality/charm/manners. When you are home and with the kids or around others, be fun. Become the guy you use to be, or maybe better.

This time needs to be focused on you. She has to work her own stuff out, and while she's doing it, you need to get ready. You have a lot to learn. Don't make any major moves until you read the book and learn more here on the board. It would be wise to check here before rushing into any kind of "talks" or sending email, etc. It helps more than you know.