Maybell XVII

[CMS]

FB is something that has been keeping me from dropping the rope and detaching more than I am. My W switched status to separated, that killed me. Then she openly posted things that made it worse. I have debated blocking her but its hard to do as I am still hopefully I can use FB as a means to show PMA, 180's etc. as we are further apart right now. I could not imagine being in the situation your in with your H. I think you are handling it much better than me. To be honest just thinking of her plans to go out for her birthday in couple weeks while I have the kids causes me alot of anxiety. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Maybell]

Thank you, CMS. I've had 15 months to get to this place and a ton of guidance and support here. You've had two weeks. Don't try to eat the elephant! You'll get there. It does take time.

It occurs to me that my H made these choices after a series of four major life stressors from October 2011 to the move & start of new job (and affair) in January 2013; discovery of the affair in July 2013 and decision to move out in April 2014 added two more, so six major life stressors in 2 1/2 years heaped on a person with poor coping skills in a stressful job I suppose it was inevitable that he would crash. Without regard to my poor coping skills and the not-great condition of our marriage.

Well, it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

[gan]

CMS - it is possible to unfollow someone on FB without unfriending/blocking them. As I understand they can't see that you have unfollowed them.

[claire7]

Yes. You can hide someone's posts without unfriending them.

[Ggrass]

Make it work for you not against you, unfollow his news feed. Google can help with this.

[labug]

Ok.

I accept that he has some sort of relationship with her which I can not control.
I also accept that he will lie and/or dodge accepting responsibility for the truth of this relationship and its consequences on our family.

I also accept that he is not going to change or become a more responsible or admirable person anytime soon.

I accept that he is not a person with whom a relationship would be either healthy or desirable right now.

None of these truths MUST harm me. They are no commentary on my desirability, on my quality, or my worthiness.

I can decide to walk away at any time because I have that power and right, regardless of his choices. I also have the power and right to remain standing for the marriage until I am done. I am not yet done and that's ok. I do not owe anyone any explanation for that choice.

Sometimes we have to walk through the fire to get to this^^^ We only get stronger and closer to our real selves by doing the difficult stuff. By asking the question "Do I control me or do I let this person, this situation, this emotion control me?"

And the next time you're triggered you can look back at this and take strength from remembering, "I've been here before and I got through it. I didn't die, the sky didn't fall. I can do this again."

We're all tested by things outside our control throughout life. Learning to manage us makes it possible to live a happy life, an honorable life, a joyful life.

A past member of this board posted this on FB. It's a meme so you may have seen it: One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers.

Have a great week, Woman Who Owns Her Life.

ht to needsGrace (( ))

[Maybell]

Today I observe in myself that I feel sad and a little impatient about H and OW. Also that I'm not sure what I want him back for, but I do. And that I have a lot of dread, anxiety, a little guilt, and some anger about the impact of the separation and possibility of divorce on my kids.

Also I have a job interview Friday with excellent prospects and the thought of scrambling for childcare and change in my lifestyle is both exciting and terrifying.

And in spite of these worries, I still feel good about myself. I still feel whole. I am still ok.

[Maybell]

Labug said:

There's a big funk over this board this week. Let's all do a gratitude list.

1. I'm grateful for the really amazing yoga class I enjoyed this morning.
2. I'm grateful for my job interview on Friday and for the SEVEN friends who gushed with me over it yesterday afternoon.
3. I'm grateful for the amazing friends who have stepped up to network me around.
4. I'm grateful for my brothers and their love and support. And I'm especially grateful that I'll be seeing one of them this weekend.
5. I'm grateful for all the different kinds of support on this board - from the vets who direct me to grow and offer resources to help me, to the peers who are struggling alongside me and offer hugs when needed, that I never feel alone.
6. I'm REALLY grateful for my amazing children, who are interesting and creative and loving. I'm grateful for the evolution in my relationships with them in the last six months and for how we've all four drawn closer to one another.
7. I'm grateful for fiction. Deeply grateful.
8. I'm grateful for myself. I'm better than I ever realized and I enjoy learning and pushing through the fears that have held me back most of my life.
9. I'm grateful that I have the resources to explore what interests and excites me. I'm grateful that my H hasn't tried to curtail that.
10. I'm grateful for fall. This weather isn't about endings for me, its' about gathering strength for new beginnings, and that resonates with me so much right now.

NAMASTE.

[Shakspr]

1) I am grateful for those who have given me good advice throughout my life.
2) I am grateful for sleep, which I seem to be getting more of now.
3) I am grateful for Hope, in spite of all that has transpired.
4) I am grateful that, of all the people I have told of my decision to keep DB'g, and hoping for restoration post-divorce, only ONE has looked at me like I'm a fool. Easily 20 or more have been supportive and/or told me that they admire my approach.
5) The Royals in the World Series, and friends to watch the games with. Hey, if that can happen...
6) I am grateful that I found my engagement pictures with my XW.
7) My job is exceptional, and my co-workers are bright and weird.

Hey, Maybell/labug - great job getting this going.

[Card29]

1. I am grateful for my D2. Smart, cute and has a really good sense of humor.
2. I am grateful for my family. I am lucky to have ~50 immediate and extended family living in my town.
3. I am grateful for not having food poisoning today, and for the Phenergan that WAW brought me last night...it sent me into a restful, peaceful coma.
4. I am grateful for my job. Flexible hours for an engineer is somewhat rare.
5. I am grateful for music...playing piano (classical, Christmas, pop/rock), listening to all types. Lately I have loved listening to salsa music - no emotional connection to WAW!
6. Speaking of, I am grateful for salsa dancing.
7. I am grateful for finally detaching from my obsession with the local sports team. I lived and died with them for years, and since they rarely win the championship, I was almost always upset because of them. I'm now at the point I've always wanted to be - enjoying the games while not being affected too much with a loss.
8. I am grateful for science fiction.
9. I am grateful for the beautiful fall foliage.
10. I am grateful for DB.com and everyone on here.