Well it's been an eventful couple of days. I declined the offer of going out for a drink on Christmas Eve with W to which she was very surprised. However, she then got our neighbours talking and interested in going for a drink and I would have looked a real Grinch to decline that. So four of us went to a local bar and you know what, we had a real good time. Good conversation, I made her laugh a few times - the best interactions we've had for a while. Got home and had dinner together at the table - she usually eats alone in her room if its only the two of us! At one point I was laughing out loud at something on tv and W came into the lounge to find out what was going on! The evening ended though as it usually does with her retreating to her bedroom not even a goodnight to me. I felt ok though as I was happy that we'd had some positive interactions.
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
So Christmas Day passes pretty much the same. The two of us had some good interactions again, a really nice dinner which we both prepared together and enjoyable conversation with the girls around the table. Everybody was really pleased with their surprise gifts and that helped the mood.
Only downside for me was that W continually goes to her room for periods of time or is constantly checking out her phone messages. I can see a smile cross her face sometimes as she reads the message. Of course the message could be from MIL but what's the odds.
We're all sat watching a movie in the evening which clearly she didn't like so off she goes to her room again without a word. That's the last we saw of her - not even a goodnight.
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
So tonight we've had a R talk. I found out she's told a friend of her new 'status'. So now it's more than just her family know. My guess is that soon most of our local friends will find out. I am not ok with this - however, I know I have no control. She has to do what she wants to do - she's so determined about this path. Very selfish and single minded. She sees this as a step in moving on. Forcing me to confront the situation as she feels that I haven't accepted or moved on from what's happened. This in spite of me saying I don't care anymore. She tells me that the girls message her saying Dad's upset and that they're worried about me! That they want us to talk and sort it out and get back together again as it was before. She of course dismisses that thought completely - not going to happen!
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Interesting things to come out of the conversation tonight also were;
She's finding out about herself - who she is etc. Determined to keep on this path - happy with her decision. Her new friends have helped her a lot in this process Not interested in being a wife, mother anymore - just being selfish, her time now. Acknowledged all of my changes have been good. She's made mistakes in the way she's gone about this - especially with the girls. Girls are adults now, up to them to make their own lives happy.. They're not affected by what happens to us! We will probably sell this house and get divorced eventually. I'm the one most affected by this and I have to rebuild a new life for myself and She thinks that we all need to go to counselling to help us move on. This is her New Years Resolution - that she'll organise this for us.
So counselling could be on the agenda. Not for reconciliation though but just to help us move on as a family.
A lot to take in from this conversation tonight, there's probably more that will come back to me in a while. I'm still processing!
In the meantime I'd welcome any thoughts or advice from you guys.
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
So first joint counselling session booked for Thursday it seems. Not sure what to expect really - one thing for sure I'm going to do some homework and be prepared as best as I can be.
Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Go in the session with an open mind and it is okay if you disagree with some things that are being said in there. You would want to be sure that you're not a doormat during the session. State your position lovingly and let it go without any further thought. Hope for the best on Thursday, but want to caution you to be prepared for the worst mentally.
I want to thank you for continually taking the time to offer me your thoughts and suggestions on my situation. It means a lot to me when someone with your experience reaches out to help me. I really value your opinion and support.
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Signed up for a Yoga class at work that was being run by one of my colleagues. First one was tonight and really enjoyed it ! Met some really nice people had a blast and will definitely be going back. I think I could really get into it - really enjoyed the deep breathing, relaxation and meditating aspects of it. As a complete beginner some parts of it were a real stretch..!!!! Sorry about that - pun intended!
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
So W and I have been going to counselling (mediation.) I put that in parenthesis, because that's really what it is. We are not working on the M, W says she has no interest. Our kids are young and it's really to try and figure out how to communicate to each other for them. W will not talk to me outside counselling (mediation)
Reason I tell you about going w/o W working on R is that it is very emotionally difficult. I struggle with seeing the changes and how she doesn't seem happy, but determined to follow through. It pretty much throws my day away as I struggle to assess every little thing that happens. However, there is a silver lining, it's communication and that can't be bad. Take it for what it is, try not to read into it or it will start to lower your PMA. Make sure you are doing all of the DB principles. Good luck.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm glad to hear your wife and you had a nice time out with the neighbors. Times like these help to maintain your connection, and gives you something to build on. I've always been an advocate for maintaining and building connection, (when possible) and it seems to have helped in my sitch.
Yoga class is fun. Try other things too. Keep on finding your own happiness... it's the only way.
My wife was sure she wanted D... That was almost 3 years ago. I told her up front I would not stand in her way. Taking off all pressure to work on the M is the key. You need to get your adult girls on board with this.
I remember the months and months of my wife going to bed without saying a word. Now she goes out of her way to say goodnight every night. Things will get better for you. Continue to give your wife plenty of space and time.
I like to think of it as a dance that I'm letting her lead. If she is connecting with me, (talking, asking me out) I'm there for her. If she's pulling away, I give her space.
Do you guys still live together?
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 01/08/1505:29 PM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
