Riding the rollercoaster

[Heart14]

Yes, marriages can survive. It doesn't happen without a lot of personal growth though. You have to BOTH make lasting changes.

My H had an A last year. I hesitate to say we are fully healed because I still have moments where the memory of what happened is painful, but I am no longer in daily pain over it. I would say our R is stronger than it has probably ever been. We are truly happy together again. Now, we didn't get here overnight. I had to drop the anger and the scorecard. I had to recognize my own behaviors that contributed to the deterioration of our M. Yes, H contributed too, but I have no control over what he chooses to do. It helped me to think of it this way: someday I want a better R, with or without H, and I'm not going to get it dragging this baggage with me. Funny thing about change, I changed first but H then followed my lead. We didn't talk about it at first, we just started shifting the way we interacted. Once H recommitted to our M, we both acknowledged the changes we'd noticed. At that point he also had to show his remorse and make me believe that his changes were true. All of that happened. We're both thankful we roughed it out.

Dawgy, your anger is evident in your posts. I understand that an A is horrible and no one ever wants to go through that, BUT you will be miserable for the rest of your life if you do not let go of it. If you feel like too much has happened and you can't be happy in the M ever again, then file for D and start moving on. Just remember, all of that anger is coming with you until you choose to let it go. Yes, your W hurt you. I bet you hurt her too and I'd guess that you are not very kind to her now even though you live under the same roof. IMO, you are doing yourself a disservice if you don't look at your own attitudes and behaviors to figure out how you could have been a better partner. We all make mistakes. It's up to each one of us to learn from them.

[dawgy]

Im no poster boy on how to conduct yourself DBing wise for sure . If there was an action you shouldnt do if you want to save your marriage , then I did it . I guess that comes with the territory when you have an emotional personality . Here I am 13 months into this shait storm and I still dont know what im doing . One day I want out and the next I cant bare the thought of losing it all .
Having said that , if I being honest with my self , my feelings tell me right now that its over , she ruined me . It will take years if ever to trust anyone again . After all , cheating on your loyal husband of 23 years is THE worst thing you could do to your spouse . There is nothing else . What kind of person would do such a thing to such an extent after being given chance after chance to save our family ? A terrible person . Someone that cannot be trusted by anyone ever again the rest of their lives IMO .
I admit to a role in the marriage breakdown , for sure , but never ever will I shoulder any of the blame for her disgusting behavior . At this point I can say it truly disgusts me what she has committed . And I understand why it is illegal in many countries around the world.
My focus has to be how in the heck am I gonna recover from this assault on my being ?How will I ever be ME again ? Has she ruined me for life ? I pray every night that I can survive this but it seems to be a mountain tooo high to climb .Perhaps I can go around ? Dawgy

[SunnyB]

Dawgy, you and I signed up here within days of each other. And you continue to confound me with your lack of responsibility for yourself. I don't mean admit your role in the M breakdown, you just did that above, but I mean taking ownership of YOU. Another person cannot ruin you. Dawgy is the only person with the power to ruin Dawgy. And you are doing a good job so far. Come on, Dawgy, you seem like a decent guy (assuming the parking lot incident was a one-time slip ) Caring, a good dad. Focus on getting you back. Save yourself. Start fresh today. What are you going to do for yourself today?