standing for me

[SunnyB]

From now on, I have to put my own needs and my daughter's needs first. But I don't know how to balance the two.

Ahoy, your D is a HS freshman? She has 3 1/2 years left with you, and then will probably be off on her own, at college perhaps. That's really not that long. I'm not saying ignore yourself for 3 1/2 years, not at all, but realize that the balancing act is short-term. Right now, the balance needs to be skewed towards her well-being, later towards you. Just something to keep in mind as you are making moving decisions.

[raliced]

I think in terms of your daughter's needs- she is old enough to give input about what she wants - but maybe in a month or two - when her feelings about her dad have settled a little bit.

And please- don't stop posting - I for one certainly want to know how you're doing. I feel like maybe I should move my thread to "MLC" or "Surviving Big D" since I feel like my story might be a bit of a downer for actual newcomers.

Have a wonderful day, Ahoy.

[Ahoy]

My D14 is in 8th grade, so she has four more years to go, and my job could evaporate in a year. I'm in a very small niche job with no opportunities in this area. I'm hoping H might not want her during the school year (it's a lot of work, he is discovering); or that he might be amenable to switching after two years; or that he takes her opinion into consideration (she would choose to come with me, I believe). I hate that I'm in this position. I've sacrificed myself over and over again for him the past 15 years, and I may have to start putting myself first. It might not be ideal for D14, but hey, him leaving the family was not ideal ever. He made a choice for his happiness, and now I seriously have to consider making choices for my own future stability. It breaks my heart that our daughter is the one who will have to pay the price.

[Jefe]

I wish I had something intelligent to say here. You 3 ladies are going to be inspirational to your daughters no matter what you choose because of your strength and desire to hold on as long and you could. I have no doubt you'll make the right choices.

[dgb60]

I feel your pain regarding your daughter. I am attending a DivorceCare group at a local church in my area and they discuss issues involving the children. I have found this group to be of tremendous help during this nightmare. The group follows a set curriculum for 12 weeks. Churches around the country hold these groups. It appears that churches have a session in the fall and then again in the spring.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. Sorry the hole seems to be getting deeper. Re your D take you time.

Your news the last couple of weeks has been grim and very upsetting Don't rush and 4 years is a long time.

My thoughts are with you take care

[LisaB]

Hi Ahoy,

My parents split up when I was 14 so maybe I can offer some advice from D14's possible perspective? I would talk to her about your ideas and options. Although it may be scary and is not really a decision a 14yo should make, I think you can discuss it with her.

I would try to phrase it in a calm, rational way showing you are open to her ideas, input and suggestions and that you haven't made any definite decisions. Something like "honey, I've been doing a little thinking about our future and I think my work contract might expire in a year or so. I am thinking about what to do next and it might be a good idea to relocate to home state to find a new job etc. What do you think about that?"

If you let her voice her ideas and concerns it may help you in your decision-making process. As she is still quite young and upset by the actions of her father I would try to have the conversation in the most relaxed and casual manner possible. Just a chit chat over dinner. Nothing definite, just talk. Reassuring her that you prioritize her interests above all else.

And Ahoy, you are not a bad BDer. As Maybell said you are growing and learning from this experience and doing the best you can! And if this process has made you realize that you don't want to be with your H in his current state or that you are simply done with him then that is completely acceptable.

Hugs, Lisa

[Maybell]

I agree with what Lisa said, but I would add that you can mention to your daughter that nothing that is discussed has to be final for a time, that you just want to hear her thoughts and concerns and that she can come back to add or retract at any time until it's time to actually make plans.

I'm sorry you're in this place but so impressed with your PMA.

[Ahoy]

Thanks so much you guys, although I don't deserve the praise for the PMA at the moment, since I'm sobbing semi-uncontrollably for no specific reason. I'm not crying because I want my crazy H back. I'm just grieving. I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. I hate this so much.

Lisa, it's good to have your perspective from the kids' point of view. May I ask: did you parents live far apart? How was it for you?

I think I'll have to wait to talk to D14 until after H and I have dissolved the M because if the lawyers or judge gets wind of a possible move, we won't be allowed to file dissolution, and would have to pursue a more costly and time-consuming divorce, and I don't want to draw this process out over the course of the year (maybe that's where I'm a bad DBer -- not being patient enough).

It's stupid to be crying about stupid jerk of an H. I think I'm still in shock that he's doing this at all.

I'm so grateful to all of you for the support. Just wish you lived close by...

[B-V2]

Thanks so much you guys, although I don't deserve the praise for the PMA at the moment, since I'm sobbing semi-uncontrollably for no specific reason. I'm not crying because I want my crazy H back. I'm just grieving. I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. I hate this so much.

Ahoy: Take the praise for the PMA, because you grieving and therefore sobbing semi-uncontrollably this time is all part of our LBS's roller coaster cycle that we have to go through (I had such close to near total bottom cycle two weeks ago for similar reasons. And that is 4 months after my BD date.).
And I can so relate to you stating: " I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. I hate this so much. ", I felt exactly that way then too and it is a very lonely moment then. And still: we do pick ourselves up as you did too, and there is much strength in that - see and acknowledge that for yourself. You are strong, Ahoy.

...
and I don't want to draw this process out over the course of the year (maybe that's where I'm a bad DBer -- not being patient enough).

It's stupid to be crying about stupid jerk of an H. I think I'm still in shock that he's doing this at all.

I'm so grateful to all of you for the support. Just wish you lived close by...

You not wanting to draw out the process, and therefore not wanting to stay in limbo for that particular part, does not make you a bad DBer at all in my eyes. Keep concentrating on you and your daughter!