Our life was tough. She lied and cheated. It broke my heart and tore my world apart. I don't quit so I started working out, GAL, DB and IC weekly. I've messed up and chased and pressured her several times but have really been doing well in the last few weeks.
Big Problem. We had make up sex twice and she is now pregnant, I know that it's mine. We also have a 4 year old son. She has continually talked about abortion and said she hopes that she doesn't resent me for pressuring her to have the baby. When I talk about not being able to continue on like this she says that if I leave she will probably get an abortion, which I don't believe in and would never consent to.
She just came to me this morning and said that she feels better and wanted to make it work. She apologized for talking about wanting an abortion the night before at dinner. She's agreed to go back to counseling and even helped set a date after I sent her the counselors availability. I let her know that I appreciate her feelings but that unless we are actively working on resolving our communication and intimacy issues I will not stay in this marriage. That was a complete 180 from my typical I love you and always have and support all your decisions speech. She sees my changes and is actually reaching out to me now that I have stopped chasing her and started enforcing my boundaries and calling her out on her behavior.
The bottom line is that I like who I am and always have, and after working to GAL and getting in a better state of mind I really don't want to be with her anymore. I'm not happy with her now that the love goggles have been pulled off and I've stopped making excuses for her actions.
I'm kind, charitable, loving, supportive, athletic, attractive, tall, a good father, make a 6 figure income, have flexible hours. For her, I was just too nice. I want to find an honest person who will respect our marriage and likes kids, boating, social activities, friends, attending events and travel. Someone who likes to talk and is willing to put in effort when things get tough rather than just withdraw and blame everyone else.
I guess I have to stick it out in a loveless sexless marriage until the baby is old enough to split time 50/50 between the two of us. I know it will hurt my son, he already can sense something isn't right but I don't want to be with the person that she is. I've taken care of about 75% of the parenting up to this point and will really miss having my son around every day. Is it so hard to go to 50% custody? Will he be permanently damaged if I leave his mom after she cheated?
Has anyone else realized that after getting a life and trying to move on that you no longer want to be with the person who stepped out on you?
Last edited by Cristy; 10/10/1408:54 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
How do you 'know' it's yours? You said she cheated at the start and end of your post. How do you know she cheated? If so, could this be someone else's child?
If you really do know it's yours then why not take the time to fix the M? You wanted it a few weeks ago, now you would walk from your baby's mother? Odd.
Sounds like you know she is vulnerable and feel like the power is back in your court. Be careful how you use it man.
My $0.02 is to continue to focus on you and when the time comes (hopefully soon) you both can take steps to reconcile and have a loving family for this new addition to your fam.
Your issues sound the same as everyone else on here. If you own up to your part and make changes you might get her to do that too. Totally up to you though.
Last edited by AWAW; 10/10/1410:10 PM.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
I've just started to do my GAL and 180s, and I know where you're coming from. It is tempting to say, "See, I can make it without them". But then, I think... my son won't have his father around. I won't have my best friend around. And even though I feel that this is for the best, and that I can move on and even find someone that has the qualities of what I want, I know it won't be the same.
My heart will always be with my spouse. We had a child together. And when you have children, the other parent never truly goes away.
I know how you feel. My husband cheated on me, and it hurts, and I get mad when I think about it. But, I also think the steps it took for him to cheat. I really wasn't the easiest person to get along with.
Do some deep soul searching. If you really don't think you two can be together, then don't. But I know, you're the lucky one to have your spouse want to work it out, and I would give anything to be in your place right now.
What kind of timeframe has all of this occurred? I have to agree that choosing to have sex would suggest you stick with it, IF (big IF) it is your kid. No doubt I'd be having a parent test, during the pregnancy if possible. If it's yours, that's the prize you won. If it's not, then your decision to leave seems pretty cut and dry. Your son will understand that decision later in life for sure. God works in mysterious ways, if you believe in that sort of thing. To me the parental test would be my sign from God, however that turns out.
Good luck. God bless.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
Sorry for the delayed reply. I think that there is probably a lot of back story that needs to be told. We have been together for 11 years and married for 9. She has admitted that I was the first person to truly make her feel loved for being herself. I felt the same way. Since the beginning she would always pull the silent treatment when she was really angry. Her MO is to pull away and ignore the problem and then just act like it is okay.
We were best friends and had a deep mutual love for the first 7 years of our relationship right up until we had our son. We both really wanted a baby and were even about to try in-vitro before she got pregnant naturally. My wife was never really into sex but always enjoyed the emotional connection and we had a very active sex life.
Side Note: After some recent therapy, it seems that she has come to terms with not really enjoying sex that much and admits that she is only really sexual when she is trying to get someone to like her. Like with me before marriage when it was all the time and with the OM when she was trying to get his approval/interest. She admits that after he made the first move and then lost interest she was the aggressor and threw herself at him. I remember the script from when we first met and it honestly makes me a little sick and sad for her that she can't feel sexual in a mutually loving relationship. (more on that later)
After my son was born everything changed. He was pre-mature and had to have a hernia operation at 10 weeks. While being anesthetized he coded and had to be resuscitated on the operating table. We were told that he had a hole in his heart and later told that the heart might have been routed incorrectly. It wasn't and the hole closed up after 2 years but as first time parents we assumed the worst at every appointment and thought that he may be developmentally impaired. I was working at an off Wall-Street Investment Bank putting in 80-100 hour work weeks and still coming home to "take my turn" at dinner and during the night.
Aside from the health issues he also had colic and difficulty nursing. My wife fell into a deep depression and told me daily that she had ruined her life and hated being a mom. She completely checked out and was a total zombie and cried all the time. I had to do everything and took most of the child care responsibility when I wasn't at work. She started antidepressants when he was 6 months old and it helped a little but she still was a mess and begged me to quit my job daily. I looked long and hard and found a new job closer to her parents in the town where we met. I was making more money and had flexible hours and our son was given a clean bill of health.
During the first two years I did everything and hoped that she would come out of the fog. Eventually she went back to work but we had lost most of our connection and she had lost respect for me. I gave unconditional love but was resentful at times when she wouldn't engage with our son or play or work on the marriage. I tried to be even more nice and more understanding and it really killed her. She says that she felt like she could never live up, like she was a terrible mom and that she didn't deserve me or her life. I just wanted my friend and love back but she resented me for all that she wasn't and lost attraction because I was the mom and dad and never rocked her boat.
She developed a friendship with a much older man at work and was having lunch and texting and calling him to discuss her life. They really were just friends but I got pretty angry because she hid it from me and she no longer shared things with me. I told her that I was not okay with her behavior and that she couldn't contact him anymore. She agreed, but actually continued to reach out from time to time to check in on him and deleted the texts and calls.
She says now that she felt guilty that she resented me and didn't want to hurt me by telling me that she had lost attraction and her desire to communicated. When she started a new job she found a more attractive man in an authority position to become secret friends with. You know the story from there. Not happy in the marriage, older but still young enough man with a history of cheating himself. Talking become flirting and then the drinks and he ended up kissing her. From there it was over.
All the while she let us sell our house and invest $60,000 remodeling a new play while she slept with another man. She even kept up the affair after we started couples counseling.
I know that it's mine since the guy and her were both fired for the affair and he moved back home. We were out of town for a week when she got pregnant and I had seen her on her period the week before we left. Also had all passwords and GPS on her car.
Now we are back in counseling and trying to make it work but I just have lost all respect and trust for her. The PA lasted about 6 months and the EA flirting about 3-5 months prior to that.
I just can't seem to get past 4 years of her being selfish and checked out while I killed myself to provide a future for our family. I am haunted by the fact that she just isn't a good person and was capable of such lies and deceit while I was trying so hard to help her with depression and being a better mom.
It's hard to love and want to stay with someone that you know doesn't really find you attractive and "her words" and was capable of such betrayal even if she says that she wants to make it work and that she still loves me. I just feel like I could do better and would be happier with someone who is more loving and can have a mature sexual relationship where she doesn't need rejection to turn her on.
I don't know if it's right with the DB concept, but I have the feeling today that I just want her gone. At least to a different bed as the A continues. We just got our family photos delivered. They were taken back in September about 2 weeks after I confronted her and about 3 days after I found A was ongoing (despite her denials), and I want to photoshop her out of my life. I turned over pictures with her in them, but then it hides my sons. I'm sure I'll put them back before she gets home, but I get the feeling that detachment is impossible while we share a bed. Some people would probably be ecstatic to have their affair having/denying W back in the same bed, but it feels so wrong today. Maybe tomorrow this will pass, but I can sympathize with wanting to leave her. I just don't know what to do because of the boys. I will suffer on and see what happens. GAL and 'let it go' best I can. Ugh.
Good luck, God bless.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
blndsid - I can completely understand. Probably a good idea to listen to the veterans and take their advice. I'm too caught up in my situation to provide any clarity so I'll just wish you the best and I hope that you find peace and happiness.
My wife continues to delete conversations from her linkedin account and even lied about doing it. I really wish that she could be honest, with the continued lies its impossible for me to believe anything that she says.
I probably need to just man up and let her know that I appreciate her efforts but the marriage is over. Tough to do when you have a 4 year old and another on the way.
