Need help to save my marriage

[Lmsm]

I have lurked on DB for 2 months, I'm finally getting enough courage to post.

Separated for 2 months, married for almost 14 years, and together for 15 years. I have 2 kids from my first marriage, they are ages 17 and 19. My husband is like a father to both the kids.

Our house is in one state and we have an apartment in another state 5 hours away for work (for my husband).

Here it goes. 1 year ago I was drinking with a few friends. I'm not a big drinker, I just wanted to relax. A neighbors adult son was hitting on me, I turned him down- I made it very clear I wasn't interested. I ended up going to the same neighbors house with a couple guys that are family friends to play pool. I realize this was a mistake. After a little while the neighbors son said he was going to show me their house- I had never gone in the house before and agreed- big mistake- in all honesty I never thought it was more than him showing me the house. The neighbors son ended up pushing me up against the wall and kissed me. I was shocked/ caught off guard and ended up kissing back after a few seconds.
The kiss lasted less than a minute, I immediately left the house and have avoided this guy since. I felt violated and still do a year later.

I didn't tell my husband because he hated this guy. Well, my husband found out 2 months ago and left me.

I admit I was in the wrong, I should have never gone to play pool or been drinking without my husband there. I never asked for him to kiss me or give him ANY reason to think it was okay.

Just so you know more background- 13 years ago I had an affair that lasted a couple days- I have spent the last 13 years making it up to my husband.

My husband has been staying at the apartment and me at the house. I have seen drove 5 hours each week to see him on days off and usually end up staying 3-4 days. We get along great, movies, sex, weekend getaways, kayaking, basically acting like we did before the separation.

He told me the other day he loves me but isn't in love with me, this absolutely ripped the heart from my chest. He did tell me he loves me and if anything ever happened to me it would kill him. We text back and forth all the time and email, occasional phone calls. He will even kiss me goodbye and tell me he loves me when I say it first. I do get upset sometimes but am working hard to put a smile on when around him.

I want my husband back. He's my soul mate, my best friend, and I'm so in love with him.

I need your expert advice on how to proceed. Should I keep going to see him on his days off? I'm lost, I don't want to push him away since I'm the one who messed up. At the same time I want him to fall back in love with me and us stay married. I enjoy spending time with him and we are having more fun together than we have in years- he has told me the same thing.

I admit fault in everything that happened. Please don't be to hard on me, I'm barely hanging on as it is.

Thank you for helping in anyway you can

[shodan]

I am not vet so I cannot offer any advice unfortunately. But, I believe that you have made the first step, which is showing remorse.

Have you read the DB/DR books? What issue existed in your marriage before this situation? What can you do to work on you and become the wife only a fool would leave?

[Jefe]

Lmsm, I can relate to your pain. So sorry you're here in this situation.

Several things I might suggest while we are waiting for the heavy hitters and the vets to come and get involved in your thread.

1) Find Sandi's 37 rules here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607
It was recommended to me that you should save it and eidit it to change the pronouns to your husbands name and read this almost daily for the first week or so.
2) change your signature line to reflect your current marital situation. Including time married, children ages, date of separation, etc. Look at mine below as an example.
3) post often, and post smaller posts. Post on other peoples threads and be patient. You are currently on moderation so your posts are not hitting the board in real time so the replies will come in slowly.
4) if you are religious/Christian I encourage you to visit the prayer circle thread in this section. Feel free to post there, make a request, or just absorb the love that already there.

It's ok. We're here for you.

[HopefulStill]

Lmsm,

You and your H never recovered your M properly after your A. You didn't put in place proper precautions so that he would never feel that pain again. You were hanging out drinking with a bunch of men, and ended up "kissing back" your neighbors son. You then made the further mistake by lying to your H about it through omission. You have some bad habits here.

What you did by hiding this from your H, and him finding out a year later (I'm assuming from someone else) is bring him right back to where he was 13 years ago. I'm sure that, in his mind, you'll never be able to be trusted. He's probably questioning the truth in your story, and wondering what else you may have done in the last 13 years that he just hasn't found out about.

He is no longer in love with you because ever since your A, one of his top emotional needs has become honesty and faithfulness. Without those being provided by you, he will not be in love with you. Period.

What to do? Well, I'd start by trying to understand WHY your H is so devastated. I'm sure you think you know why, but if you REALLY did, you would not have put yourself in this predicament last year. You also would understand just how important TRUTH is in your marriage, and how without it you really have nothing.

You must meet your husbands most important emotional needs if you are to bring him back, but I don think you will be able to unless you first truly understand them. He must feel safe around you again, and he must be convinced that he will NEVER be in this place again.

You have a tough road.

HS

[Jefe]

HS, you bring up some valid points. I think given the situation I'm in and a few other of the LBH's here we short timers may be of more use than I thought. I definitely can give some advice on what I'd like to hear and see from my wife that would start to repair things quicker.

[Lmsm]

I understand your concerns and would like to explain.

I accept responsibility for that night.

I wasn't drinking with only men, it was men and women for most of the night. When I went to play pool I was the only female there, I do admit that. I was already intoxicated by this point and only had one other drink while over there. The men I went next door with are 20+'years older and disabled, one of them is my best friends husband, I take them to Drs. Appointment and cook for them a few times a week, I am not threatened by them (or my husband) and they are very protective of me. Bottom line, I shouldn't have gone next door- I get that. I was naive, I wasn't thinking, I had no reason to think anything would happen.

I know I am at fault for drinking without my husband there, 100% at fault and I accept that. If I wasn't drinking this incident wouldn't have happened. I DON'T feel at fault for another guy pushing me up against a wall and forcefully kissing/ groping me. I am NOT responsible for him not understanding that "no means no". I shut down, I didn't know what to do, I don't know why I kissed back. I was stunned- like a deer in the headlights. Im not attracted to him, he's a smoker ( I can't stand kissing a smoker- sorry if that offends anyone), he knew I wasn't interested and that I was happily married. I have never been attacked before. I wasn't giving him any reason to think I was interested, I was talking about my husband the whole night. I do believe he would have tried to rape me if I wouldn't have pushed him off and left the house.

I didn't tell my husband because I was embarrassed, I felt violated, I didn't want to relive that night, I didn't want to cause more issues between them, and I was scared to tell him.

I have had issues since that night. Anxiety around guys when I'm not with my husband, I never go anywhere alone, I didn't drink unless I was with my husband or at home- not even with just female friends, I was even diagnosed anxiety, all of this was prior to the separation. Since the separation I was diagnosed with severe depression. I am currently not taking meds for anxiety or depression since I'm scared of the side effects. I also have ADHD and take medication daily.

Since my husband found out I have stopped drinking all together, even when with him. I'm going to church when I'm not at the apartment with him (5 hrs away), and I've started weekly therapy. I really don't go anywhere alone, but that's not really new. He's always had access to my location, texts, emails, and phone calls.

Since my affair 13 years ago I have made sure I don't go places alone- so he's not wondering where I'm at or who I'm with. I don't "go out" without my husband- I may go out for dinner with a few friends when my husband is working out of town but never a bar/club etc. I always put my husband on a pedestal- cook for him and serve him food, all his laundry, tell him I love him all the time (until we separated at least, now only sometimes), we have an amazing sex life, I don't argue with him, he's the "man of the house", I even clip his toenails...... I am a southern girl- can you tell?? Basically I spoil my husband and I enjoy it.

I just want help earning my husbands love and trust back. I don't know wether to back off and risk pushing him away or keep going to see him. Currently I'm not begging him to stay anymore, trying to explain what happened that night (he doesn't like to talk about it), telling him I love him all the time, I am not being as clingy. I don't know how to proceed.

I want him to know that I love him, but don't want to push him away by saying it all the time. I try to act happy around him, but that's hard sometimes when I can't act like we did before he found out. I do break down sometimes and will go to another room. He has said "that's a turn off" when he sees me upset. Should I still plan weekend getaways when I'm with him or leave him cards and notes so he will find them? He has told me he likes finding my little notes- they are usually short and thank him for a nice weekend and I love him and hope to see him again soon.

I'm lost and need the help of experts.

[Jefe]

Time to get into the 37 rules and start living them.