While we're paging starsky, I'd toss it out there for him to have a look at my thread. Contemplating and struggling to change to a more forceful approach. (Sorry to hijack zimmy!)
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
So I continue to agonize over his stupid email. Why did he send it? To assuage his guilt probably and be kind (trying to make me feel better)? He says that he has learned a lot about himself and our relationship and wishes he hadn't taken me for granted - that he sees me better now. But if that were all true, then he should realize how great a life we had and how much I loved him. No one will ever care for him and put him first the way I did. Unfortunately, he may need to figure that out the hard way and it absolutely sux. I think he thinks that the OW will do the same for him going forward and now he will treat HER better.
Is it possible that this is all the regret I will get, or will he become more regretful over time when he realizes the grass isn't greener, and he threw away something wonderful (amazing home, me, our dog, our future, our financial security, our shared hobbies) to be with a woman he barely knows and has nothing in common with? I want to be the one that got away and maybe he will try to outreach again someday with more...
Despite everything, I really want us to find each other again someday. I wish I knew how to effect this. I will make an appt with my coach today, becasue I don't know what to do and I feel so powerless.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Just a thought: perhaps your response should hint that you're glad he's made some progress, but he still has a long way to go. Not so directly, but along those lines. It's good that you'll speak to someone more versed in the DB method. Keep us posted.
Originally Posted By: Zimmy
No one will ever care for him and put him first the way I did.
Twelve years ago, my girlfriend told me about the same thing. It wasn't a good argument to stay with her. What we want in a couple is to love first, even more than to be loved (though we want both!). Don't focus too much on how much you love him, think of how he can love you again. This morning, I spoke to someone who recently broke up and he did say that his ex-gf's behavior could bring him back because he's touched by it. It gave me some hope.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza: agree. He used to love me very much, but I think he took me for granted a bit in the end. But I think sometimes you realize what you had only when you've lost it.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
I just got the following email from him. Pls help me interpret!!! What do I do with this?
Hi. I just wanted to say hello and that I was thinking about you. I care very much about you, Zimmy. I continue to learn new things about myself and our relationship. There is so much I wish I would have done differently over the last 7years. I know how much you did for us and for me during that time. I wish I would have done more for you. I wish I would have made you my priority like you made me yours. I wish I had communicated better. I wish I would have recognized and appreciated your dedication and commitment....and everything you did for our relationship. I wish I would have reciprocated that back to you. You deserved it all and more. I see you now better than ever. Wherever life leads, I am determined to be a better person.
I know I have caused an unimaginable amount of pain. That burns my heart every day. Please forgive me for writing this email. I know your wishes. I know you want / need some time to yourself. I respect that completely. I'll leave it at.
You know I love you, C
Zimmy, I'm afraid I don't know enough about your sitch nor your fiance to even be able to give you a clear opinion on this. Has he ever been married or engaged before? Is this woman the only person with whom he has cheated on you during your engagement?
If it were me, I wouldn't respond nor would I read too much into this. People while they are wayward tend to be pretty fogged out, and it does sound like he may just be trying to relieve his own guilty conscience here. If I DID respond, I'd probably recommend a confident "Thank you for sending this. I'll be okay. While this isn't what I wanted, I do realize now that I"ll be fine and a better person and wife to someone down the road. I wanted that to be you, but if it's not I think we'll both be okay." (or something similar that fits your sitch).
Thanks, Starsky. Appreciate the insight. Very nice of you. He was married once before - dated her for 7 years and then married for just one. So similar pattern to me. This is the only woman I am aware of, and he seems like he is deep in the fog.
I think I prefer not respond. I am definitely not ok with any of this.
I worry that he is just trying to be kind, but it is actually more hurtful to me to hear all this. He is blowing up our whole life for this ridiculous OW - says he just wants something different. It is so hard to fathom. My therapist tells me that eventually the fog will wear off and he will be disappointed and start to see reality and think back to how good our R was...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Thanks, Starsky. Appreciate the insight. Very nice of you. He was married once before - dated her for 7 years and then married for just one. So similar pattern to me.
Yes, he always just told me that they were friends and should never have gotten married. He said that after they married all they did was fight, etc.
When he met me he seemed so amazed by how we fell in love, had a fairytale, got along so well, etc. Then of course, he now seems to feel the same way about the OW.... though he and I were quite happy and I didn't see this coming at all.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
My therapist tells me that eventually the fog will wear off and he will be disappointed and start to see reality and think back to how good our R was...
Possibly, but then what? String you along another 7 years, only to run for the hills as soon as he smells true commitment?
I think this man may have issues that are beyond the scope of this forum, Zimmy. I know you have a lot of years invested here, but sometimes you just have to cut your losses. This to me doesn't sound like a man of quality, and you're NOT going to be able to "fix" him!
Yes, sadly I'm sure you are right. I am so flabbergasted he could act this way and lie and cheat and do all these terrible things to me, when I would have never hurt him in a million years. It's truly sick.
Thank you for taking the time to opine. It means a lot to me.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
