New, dazed, depressed and confused...

[Zimmy]

Hi all. Just looking for some commiseration and support. My story, in very short summary is the following:

* In a relationship for 7 years and was engaged to a wonderful, loving man who I thought was my soul mate. We had a great relationship and everything in common. We were truly happy. Just bought a house together last August and were both excited about our future. He told me every day how much he loved me and how lucky we were, until...

* Apparently he met a girl on a plane last January. She lives in Frankfurt and he 'fell into' an affair with her. She knew he had a fiance but that didn't deter her - she went after him hard and eventually pushed him to commit to her and drop me. She is a woman who got fired from her job and then sued her employer. Lots of red flags...

* It got more serious before he knew it and now thinks he is in love with her and wants to explore that path in his life. Note that they have only really spent like 30ish days together, though they communicated regularly by phone and email for the past 9 months. He is actually considering bringing her to New York City and supporting her!

* I discovered the affair accidentally in July and immediately kicked him out of our house in anger. (Regret this now.) I was hurt, but I never thought he would actually want to really be with her. Shortly after, I told him that I wanted him to come home and work together on our relationship.

* Since then, he has vacillated back and forth - confused about who to choose but seems to be leaning towards her. Says if he comes home now, he will be miserable.

* Tells me that he and I didn't have a deep connection and never talked about our future. Says he doesn't 'feel it' for me right now, and he thinks he needs to feel it before he can really work at it and reinvest. If I take an unbiased perspective, this seems very off to me - we were very close, best friends, talked 30 times a day about everything - we worked together, ride horses together and spent every moment together that he wasn't travelling. Feels like classic revisionist history. Also I'm sure that compared to his HausFrau, who he has been in a passionate long distance romantic affair with, our connection seems more muted and less full of discovery. Also, if he is giving her all of his emotional connection, of course this would result in less love for me - you can't really work on two relationships at the same time!

* He has turned into a monster and a person I don't know. Ready to walk away from our wonderful life, home, financial security, dog, etc. Doesn't seem to notice or care that he has devastated me. Doesn't seem to miss me. How is this possible???

* I tried at first to reconnect with him. Spent a lot of time with him, didn't bring up the R/OW, showed him that I was fun and attractive and wonderful. (Interestingly, he says that I am amazing and has a ton of respect for me as a person - he also said that I am younger, prettier and we have better sex than the HausFrau.) We still have a ton of chemistry, and he even cheated on the OW with me on multiple occassion recently. I thought I was really drawing him back home, but then he suddenly backpeddles very hard.

* I was the most loving, supportive, kind fiance he could have had. I was totally blindsided by this. I know that sounds naive, but I think he fell into this not becasue there was something awful or broken with us, but I and my therapist believe that he is:

1. trapped in an affair fog and not seeing reality
2. has detached from me and our life in order to justify stuff to himself + he is emotionally attached to her (can't really work on our relationship while he is tied up in that, though he thinks he can and would just 'feel it')
3. immature about what real committed love is vs. infatuated affair love
4. maybe needing to explore other options in his life (mid life crisis?); feels like very selfish behavior to me - not about love!!!
5. content right now because the affair is filling some emotional needs that I used to fill
6. but ultimately still torn on some level
7. can't really be madly in love with the HausFrau if he is already cheating on her with me, right?

What is happening? Am I nuts? He seems so blinded by all this?

Do I have hope here? Will he ever wake up and regret this and miss me? Would appreciate any support, guidance or success stories. I wish I could just shake him and wake him up out of his stupor...

So depressed and sad and rejected here! Please write!

[Young at Heart]

Hi all. Just looking for some commiseration and support. My story, in very short summary is the following:

* In a relationship for 7 years and was engaged to a wonderful, loving man who I thought was my soul mate. ...He told me every day how much he loved me and how lucky we were, until...

* Apparently he met a girl on a plane last January. She lives in Frankfurt and he 'fell into' an affair with her...


* He has turned into a monster and a person I don't know. Ready to walk away from our wonderful life, home, financial security, dog, etc. Doesn't seem to notice or care that he has devastated me. Doesn't seem to miss me. How is this possible???

....but I and my therapist believe that he is:

3. immature about what real committed love is vs. infatuated affair love
4. maybe needing to explore other options in his life (mid life crisis?); feels like very selfish behavior to me - not about love!!!
7. can't really be madly in love with the HausFrau if he is already cheating on her with me, right?

What is happening? Am I nuts? He seems so blinded by all this?

Do I have hope here? Will he ever wake up and regret this and miss me? Would appreciate any support, guidance or success stories. I wish I could just shake him and wake him up out of his stupor...

So depressed and sad and rejected here! Please write!

Sorry to hear that the person you loved and gave your heart to has cheated on you. One of the things about DBing is that it is about saving and repairing relationships. You may want to seriously ask yourself, based on what you now know about your ex-fiancee if this is a relationship that you really want to save.

To do that you will need to do some serious introspection. A 7 year investment of love is a lot to let go of, but if you and he get back together, will you be certain he will never cheat on you in say another 7 years? Remember the common folk wisdom of the 7-year itch in relationships?

Assuming that after your introspection (or if you have already done that) that you really want to repair the relationship, then yes get some of Michelle's books on DB and MLC. Her approach will provide you with a framework to work on changing the dynamic in your relationship. Usually it involves you doing GAL to become a better, more interesting you and 180's to force the other person to have to react differently to you.

If on the other hand, you decide you shouldn't try to repair the relationship, may I suggest that you also work on GAL so that the next guy finds you absolutely facinating and that you read up on the grieving proces, because you will go through the stages associated with the death of this relationship you had for 7 years.

No matter what you decide you need to focus on your happiness and future. GAL is a way of doing that. You sound like you have taken some great steps in getting a therapist, trying to understand what has happened, disengaging and finding out about the DB concepts and website. You really sound like a wonderful woman and that he was a fool to leave you. However, there are a lot of foolish people out there in the world.

I am so sorry for your heartache. Good luck to you.

[Zimmy]

Thank you for replying. It means a lot to have support and an ear.

I do want to fight to reconcile our relationship. I loved him with all my heart. I just feel so powerless and lost and like I have no chance against this fantasy world he is living in. I don't know what happened to the man I fell in love with.

Does anyone have a story like mine with a good ending?

[Ahoy]

Don't worry about endings right now, just take care of yourself and focus on yourself. Is he still living at home right now? Are you pursuing him, or are you giving him space? Are you going no contact?

Everything he is doing is very stereotypical of people in affairs. It has very little to do with you, so don't take it personally. That being said, now is also a good time for introspection to see if there are things you should work on for your own sake to make your next relationship (whether an entirely new one or a new one with your fiance) even better.

[Young at Heart]

...I do want to fight to reconcile our relationship. I loved him with all my heart. I just feel so powerless and lost and like I have no chance against this fantasy world he is living in...

When my wife of 38 years and the mother of our 2 children indicated that she had not interest in having sex with me any more, I felt much as you do. Posting on this website was quite theraputic and Michelles' SSM book really helped me figure out a lot of things, as did a ton of other books and advice I got.

One of the lessons I learned is that I couldn't force my wife to do much of anything. She was the one who needed to decide if she wanted to love me again and have sex with me. All I could do was become a better person, make her feel loved but not smoothered or pushed and let her come to the conclusion that she wanted to work on our relationship. It took many, many months before things changed. I was ripped apart emotionally the entire time.

That didn't mean I couldn't do things. DB helped me do things that forced my wife to view (via GAL) me as someone who was changing for the better, and forced my wife to interact with me (via 180's) in ways that were not as she had been use to. These changes that were in her, and ultimately caused her to want to save the marriage. Ultimately, though the decision rested with my wife of 38 years, not with me.

It wasn't until I had made huge changes in my life, provided her with unconditional love and come to accept that I was going to be in a happy loving relationship by my 60th birthday (either with my wife or someone else) that my wife saw the gravity of the situation and came around.

So you are not powerless, but the decision is outside of your complete control. I hope that helps.

Good luck and do focus on GAL!

[Zimmy]

Thank you for your email. I was trying to improve our connection so I guess I was pursuing for about a month, which actually seemed to be working for a while. But then he suddenly backpeddled hard. Now I have backed off and am doing the 180 approach to see if that works instead. Hoping that the affair's lure will wane, but worried that if I disconnect and detach it just throws him into her arms... It's all so confusing!

This is like a bad French movie! My heart goes out to all those that are fighting for their spouses. I never imagined I would be going thru this...

How do you not take it personally when your spouse chooses someone else over you and seems to think that person is better? What did you do to restore your self esteem and realize that it's not about you... Intellectually I know that this is a flaw within him, but so hard to really internalize that! I guess my feelings of self worth took a serious hit here.

[Zimmy]

Isn't it funny how all adulterers seem to act and say things from the same playbook? At least be original!

Sigh - will he ever come to his senses? I still am in shock that he is choosing her right now and that he doesn't miss me at all after 7 years.

[Zimmy]

All:

I was thinking of sending him the following letter. Welcome comments!

Ex:

I did a lot of thinking over the weekend. If you felt that there was anything missing from our relationship or I did anything that may have contributed to your affair, I’m very sorry - I would give anything to turn back the clock and have the opportunity to fix whatever wasn’t working. Maybe we were busy and took each other for granted sometimes, but I don’t believe that we were fundamentally broken. I also realize that I have been somewhat judgmental and dismissive of your feelings lately, and for that I sincerely apologize - this situation hasn't been easy for either one of us, and I wish I had been a more supportive and thoughtful listener instead of yelling at you about how I think you should feel and broccoli vs. cake...

I’m willing to fight for us and create a new life together where we can be happy and deeply in love again – I believe that this is very possible. (We've already proven we can do this before!) But I just don’t feel like I have a real shot at this while you are invested emotionally with someone else and detached from us. Trying to live under these conditions has been extremely confusing and painful for me, and I can no longer endure it.

I love you very much and we had something amazing together (and still could), but it's clear to me that you are incapable of seeing that right now. Maybe someday, when the blinders come off, you might have more clarity and cherish all that we were, and also feel some remorse and empathy for how badly this has hurt me (a person who was your best friend, life partner and family and deserved nothing but your love, kindness and loyalty).

Until your affair ends and you are willing to reinvest in us, for my own sake I will avoid seeing you or talking to you, and I ask that you respect that decision. I still love you, but I accept that I need to let you go and pursue your other life/personality, while I move on with mine - even though the prospect of us separating forever breaks my heart into a billion pieces.

In the event that you are willing to permanently end your relationship and join me in restoring ours, we would have a chance. Perhaps someday down the road, I hope we will be able to find ‘us’ again and rebuild our life together. We had the world, and we could have it again – you and me and Kiki and our horses. I only wish you could see it right now.

In any case, I will always miss you, our incredible chemistry, our fantastic and happy life together, and all our wonderful memories. I wish you all the best and I want you to be happy. You will always be in my heart, and somewhere deep down I believe I am still in yours.

Love,

Kristin

P.S.: Chris will be in touch regarding the logistics, as it is too difficult for me to deal with everything right now.

[Young at Heart]

...I was pursuing for about a month, which actually seemed to be working for a while. But then he suddenly backpeddled hard. Now I have backed off and am doing the 180 approach to see if that works instead.

...How do you not take it personally when your spouse chooses someone else over you and seems to think that person is better?

....What did you do to restore your self esteem and realize that it's not about you... Intellectually I know that this is a flaw within him, but so hard to really internalize that! I guess my feelings of self worth took a serious hit here.

.....I was thinking of sending him the following letter. Welcome comments!

Dear Zimmy;

The reason DB has such a huge following is because in what seems like a hopeless situation, it offers some suggestions that often (not always) work. They actually work better than what most people would instinctively do.

Note how your pursuit ultimately lead your H "...to suddenly backpeddled hard (Your words)." Then you say you have backed off, and yet you are asking for comments to a soulful letter/email to your H? Which is the approach you want to try and can you stick with it for month or two?

As to how do you deal with a spouses rejection? Well mine didn't reject me for another man, she rejected all sex with me and anyone else not even masturbation for herself. So I guess I can't exactly answer your question.

What I can tell you is that it really did hurt my self esteem and self image. The typical steps of grief are: (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4)depression, (5) acceptance. I felt all of those in mostly that sequence. I was in denial for a long time before I really understood what was happening. Then I was angry. I also tried bargaining with my wife and God, if you will give me the love I need I will do anything or some specific things for you. I also was really depressed at the hopelessness of my situation and felt sorry for myself.

Finally, with the help of others I accepted my situation and decided to do something positive about it. DB's SSM book helped me figure out what I needed to do. I started to plan out a GAL program with measurable goals and dedicated myself to it.

I probably pushed myself harder than I should have in GAL, but it was about all I could do, i.e. the only thing I had control over. Then after I started my GAL, I did my first 180 by accident. After a few months I did another 180 after my wife was noticing that I had changed a lot. The 180's became easier after I gained a greater knowledge of relationships. The 180's resulted in my W having to treat me differently, and luckily for me better and in ways that helped repair our marriage.

As to comments on your email/letter......delete it and don't send it. If you must do something, save it and promise yourself you will reread it in a month or two after you have achieved some GAL goals and re-read the DB books.

What do you think your H will take away from this letter? Put yourself in his shoes. He is having an affair and you are saying "go and sow your wild oats and I will take you back when it ends." Based on your letter, what does he gain by ending his affair EARLY? What does he have to loose?