What I have learned thus far through this(in no particular order):
I can't change anyone but myself. However, my words and actions do affect others. I must choose words of encouragement and life whenever possible.
God loves me. My faith in him is real, now and forevermore.
Hope can abide in the face of unbelievable trial. It still does, and if my W chooses to change, I will still be standing for our marriage for quite some time. My love for her may diminish. It will never die completely. It will be remade a new thing if she wants it and God wills it.
Complete strangers care about me because we share a common bond. We all know that this life is hard, and it is better with friends. I will seek more bonds like this in my daily life, and affirm others when they have no reason to believe that I even care.
I can not be a perfect man. But I will work from this day forward to be a very good man, and I will like myself much better when my current situation resolves. And, by then, because this world is as it is, there will be new trials and triumphs. I will be ready for them.
Grief is universal. It comes to us all eventually. It is a painful yet necessary emotion. Through it, we see that we are alive. We are human. We feel, even though we wish it not.
No one, not even the worst MLC, WAW, cheater, etc. is really "the bad guy." Behaviors are a personal choice, and they come with rewards and punishments. They are framed by the past, but happen in the present. Dispassionately examining those choices and making a decision - not a reaction - about them is a sign of maturity. It is also incredibly hard to be rational when those behaviors come from a person you trust and love.
Feelings - good and bad, Love and Indifference, Hate and Hope...live and die repeatedly throughout a life lived richly. Give the good feelings fertile ground to flourish. Weed the bad ones out when and whereever you find them.
That's it. Feel free to add to these thoughts in whatever way you choose. I affirm each of you, my brothers and sisters - you are women and men of incredible integrity. I am honored to call you my friends.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
This is a great post. We are all human, have hopes and fears and know both love and hate. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. What matters is how we react to the bad things. We need to stop being victims of our circumstances. We can control ourselves. Do that. We cannot control the actions of another person. No matter how much the actions of the WAS hurts us, we need to be strong (after a natural grieving process) and move forward.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
A little bump to my new thread because I feel good about this latest post. And I am working through state-mandated co-parenting class online. It's a scorcher. Needed a break.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
The class material, called Putting Kids First, was much like the book Putting Children First, only dialed down to a somewhat lower reading level. It has practical advice and for a DB'er seems almost instinctive. I did note a few things that we've done wrong over the years with SS15...we should have made a greater effort to welcome his Dad and StepMom into our home, and greet them cordially going and coming for instance. It's never been argumentative, just cold at times...or he walks from the car to the door alone.
The Parenting Plan shouldn't be too tough. Sticking with it, however.
What did stand out, ultimately, was how bad D is for children, but that truly cooperative coparenting can make a world of difference. The information on "I" statements was excellent.
It's just another hurdle on the way to D.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
We have the same thing here in PA. I enjoyed the class and meeting other parents in the same situation.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
You've turned a corner. Your whole attitude has changed. You're focused on the future, on protecting your children, on making a good life no matter what kind of mud is slung in your direction.
I turned this corner as well but didn't realize -- until I saw this change in you. It's familiar, I recognize it. I did it, too.
I'm thinking, wow, this must be a stage in DBing. A form of acceptance of whatever will happen, will happen.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
