Maybell XIV

[Ahoy]

Maybell, fear is the worst. Remember though: right now, in this very moment, everything is okay.

Of course I don't mean that your marriage is okay, or that life is grand, but you are where you are, breathing, not being attacked by wild dogs or suffering from ebola, or driving a kid to the hospital. You are basically okay.

But fear is making you not okay, and you can't let that take over your life right now. Fear puts you in fight or flight mode, which may be why you exploded at your H.

Remember: you don't have to make any decisions right now. You just don't. Also? You might feel differently next week. So maybe don't make any rash decisions one way or another about your situation.

Making boundaries for yourself is fine. Maybe next time you can find a way to do it in a way that will bring you more peace and less agitation. We are all learning as we go along.

Maybe embrace the "IF." After all, IF does not mean there is a set outcome. IF means you don't have to decide right now, you just have to let things evolve and take care of yourself and GAL in the meantime.

Pema Chodron writes about intimacy with fear and also "relax as it is." This is where you are. It's not forever. You will pass through this. In the meantime, sending you big hugs.

[Maybell]

I want to do Labug's plan of marking off days on a calendar before talking to H. Should I have a goal for how many I mark off to get my rewards, or should I just mark them off and see how I do? I don't think I'm a very good judge of my mental fitness at the moment. Looking back over my threads, it looks like I have a meltdown about every two weeks so I guess I should aim to go three and see what that does.

Ahoy, you gave me good advice. I appreciate it. I'm going to sit with it. I think I got all excited with the way things went in the last 2-3 weeks and forgot what I've learned.

[Maybell]

So I just went back again and read through Betsey's first post to me.

I am sad to see how broken I am, in spite of all the work I've been trying to do. I have such a long way to go. And here I thought I was so great.

I can't keep doing this to myself. Or him or anybody else.

I need to be different for myself. I need to relax and let life happen (Claire, you used to say, the river will flow...)

I have been the fortunate recipient of so much wisdom here. I need to sit with it for a while. I need to pull it together into one place for myself (now there's a project!) and sit with it and learn it and live it. I do not know best.

Labug, you've asked a few times if I really want this marriage and right now I'd say, yes and no. I've gotten pretty dinged up in the last 17 years. I've done a fair bit of dinging too. But I wasn't nearly as much of a peach (thanks GGG!) when I met him as I am now, and for all my flaws I'm better for having been married to him. How much of that is him and how much of it is just the life I've lived while he was off working, I couldn't say. But I know for sure that for many years I really knew that he wanted what was best for me, and that he really, really wanted me to be happy. (And I want that for him, too, still; I just also selfishly want it to be with me). Also I married him because he was the first person who I felt really thought I was great, better than anyone had ever thought I was before. I tried to spend our years together living up to that.

The IC incident has shaken me. With all the cheerleading, etc., that surrounded that week, I lost track of what I found upsetting about it. It exposed just how vulnerable I am alone. I no longer feel safe the way I did when I was married. He didn't lend that much actual safety to my existence, but I feel more vulnerable.

I'm going to try to take a break for a little while from posting here. The thinking is that I need to stop and think and if I'm writing I'm not reading or processing. I haven't been living in reality and it's time to re-evaluate.

I feel like I want to apologize here for freaking out again; the writer in me recognizes that it makes for dreary story-telling. I'm not going to, though. This space was made for that, and if my bad patterns didn't show up here there would be no one to put the mirror up for me to show me how dreary I'm being.

[Maybell]

Adding this to my pot of wisdom:

The star is inside you

[claire7]

Maybell,

I think you are on the right track, and certainly have nothing to apologize for. You've talked before about wanting to find patience. Stepping back from the boards for a few days (not forever, though, I hope!!) could be good to give you some breathing space.

I'm finding your new insight about not wanting to be alone and feeling vulnerable by yourself really interesting. So, is that one of the things you'll be working on?

Thinking of you.

[mdu]

You've read my thread, right? Nothing to apologize for. We're here to learn and grow. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm learning slowly but surely to be forgiving first and foremost of myself.

A random thought that came to me and might help you. Do you have many single friends? I find a lot of strength in connecting with other single Moms in particular or just single women living alone. We help and advise each other a lot on just how to manage on your own; I know they're there for me in a way that my married friends can't really understand right now. I find it helps a lot, just a thought.

[Tarheel]

Maybell, I've been trying to take a break from the boards as well and I can tell you it's really helped my mind set. As much as I value and appreciate all the guidance and feedback, I found myself obsessed with checking posts, which in turn kept my situation constantly on my mind.

Take a break and gather your thoughts. I think you'll find it helpful.

[Ss06]

If you can't have the bimonthly meltdown here, where can you have it?

I absolutely am of the mind that if you're feeling what you're feeling, put it here. No one is going to roll their eyes at you. No one. We get it. We're there or will be or were. It' all good.

I understand taking a break to process. I might need to do the same. I'm an over-thinker by habit and posting all the time doesn't keep me from doing that.

We're here when you need us.

[Maybell]

My H kept the kids on Friday. Didn't call yesterday. Just texted me to ask if they wanted to talk on the phone and they all say no.

I recognize this is his to fix -- I really do -- but I always feel so awkward at being placed in the position of relaying the message they don't want to talk. I worry it looks like I'm withholding them from him when I always take a couple of minutes to encourage them to talk to him. And he doesn't have a standing time or policy for talking to them. It is basically whenever he finds himself with a few spare moments, without regard for anything we might be doing. So it's "do the kids want to talk?" And straight yes or no. Frequently they don't. I've asked him to plan it more so they'll be more primed but for whatever reason that doesn't work for him.

I did send an apology email. He said
I don't think there is any need to rehash Friday. I accept your apology. I understand why you are upset. And maybe some space is good. I'm not trying to make things harder. I just wanted things to be friendly and less tense. But I didn't mean to make things worse.

After talking it over with another friend today (who said I'm entitled to feel frustrated and to express that), I clarified:

I wasn't trying to rehash Friday. I am very frustrated with myself for how that went. I enjoyed talking to you those last few times and I was hoping to sustain that level of friendliness. I underestimated just how much anger and hurt I've been living with and I'm going to have to deal with that before I can try to be friendlier with you. I wish things could be different but I need to take more space for a little while. I was in such a panic to fix things that I didn't take time to see what in myself needs to be fixed first. That needs to happen.

And I've started my calendar of solutions. Project 1: detach, detach, detach. We did deal today with some extensive scheduling questions calmly and fully, so that much was a relief.

But if anyone wants to comment on the kid communication thing, it would help.

[Ss06]

I like your space plan and where you're starting. Detachment is its own roller coaster I'm finding. One minute I'm a professional and think I could write a how-to book on it and the next day I'm woefully inadequate at it and I'm searching all over the place for a how-to book on it. LOL

The kid communication thing... hmmm...

On days that D is with me, H calls only before her bedtime... so around 7:00-7:30 pm he'll text saying "is it a good time to call?" or whatever. I'll either say, "Sure!" or "she's in the middle of dinner" or "she's in the shower she'll call you once she's out" or something like that. It's EVERY SINGLE NIGHT she's with me. They talk for about 5-10 minutes about her day, karate, the dog, friends, a good book she's reading.

When she's at H's apartment I do the same. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It's not a "do you want to talk to mom" question. It's "Dad wants to talk to you" or "Mom wants to see how your karate class went". Done.

If H and D were in the middle of playing the Wii and I texted and said, "does she want to talk to me?" she'd probably say no but that's not the option I'm giving her. *I* want to talk to her so *I* will.

You can't control how your H pursues a relationship with his kids. You can, however, teach your children that it's basic respect to speak to their father at least 2 minutes each day that he calls. It doesn't sound like HE wants to have that kind of parental relationship though so your hands are tied in one aspect.

Does he ask if they want to talk every day?

If he's open, and only if he's open, I'd suggest for the kids sake that IF he's going to call to speak to them that he do it at the same time every time so the kids can look forward to it (or dread it, either way) and that shows THEM that HE'S interested in their lives (which is all kids want anyway).