looking for ideas

[mudrox]

well here goes my story......

I caught my wife having an affair with a man from work back in mid June. I had been suspecting it for about a month, but found the messages on her phone one day. I confronted her, brought her family involved as she comes from a very religious family and she stated that it was stupid and she was done with the affair.

During the past two months she has continued the affair and will not stop, even though by her own admission it is going nowhere as he if from a foreign country and will be returning home (so she says). I have broken virtually every rule listed on this website as i have confronted her, apologized for my shortcomings. I even completed the Love Dare book .She continues to have the affair and I have moved out due to her getting physically violent about a month ago. We have had no contact the past four weeks, although I have stopped by our apartment for a few things while she has been at work. She has taken down our wedding pictures and continues her affair.

This is not the woman I married as she has always been a religious and faithful person. A few months ago she got a job promotion and is now spending more money on clothes, trips, eating out, and not going to church. She is obsessed with working out and looking fit.

Any recommendations on what i should do?(especially after i have broken many of the rules i have found out on this website in the last week.

I do not want to divorce her as I know the person she is....and this is not her

Also we are both in our late 20s...married for almost 5 yrs and together for 7. Do I wait until she contacts me? Both our families r aware and my family did not say anything mean to her. Just said to get help. We r both seeing counselors, but she does not want to go to marriage counseling together. Our apt lease is up next month and there are things we need to address. Like where does all our stuff go? bills, insurance moving forward, etc. Do I wait for her to bring them up? Or initiate the conversation? Pretty lost here…….

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself here. You wont' find a better group of individuals who will try to help your M get back on track.

First things first. You need to get either the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books right away. They'll help you set up a strategy to get things going.

Second, without focussing on the affair, list all of the issues that you had in your M.

[mudrox]

communication. She's introverted generally and I was repressive with my feelings the past years due to a traumatic event that happened when i lost a few of my family members.


I was absent quite a bit due to past job and responsibilities taking care of family members. Especially the last five months

I wasn't as loving and affectionate as I should have been.Letting her know how important she was. I took her for granted through different times

Conflict......we haven't really fought fairly as emotionally we get charged up.

Spiritually I did not lead her the way i should have

Those are kind of the nuts and bolts.

[MrBond]

"Those are kind of the nuts and bolts."

Too vague. If we don't have better information, we can't give you better advice.

[Riley]

Mud,

There are a number if steps and my recommendations will be somewhat out of order;

1 any children? (If so do not leave marital home)
2 it is never too late to start DB.
3 give her space, let her miss you for now
4 Never bring up the A word to her again (if you want to save M)
5 you will stumble during DB so start fresh every new day
6 do not push any counseling on her (individual, marriage etc)
7 on the apt - you can have a civil conversation about this as money is involved, and always remember to stick to short and non emotional topics
8 accept your contributions to the current state if your M, its difficult but you also need to forgive yourself
9 your W is already starting 180s, so start some yourself. Chances are this A won't last long so when she likely is no longer emotionally occupied you can be buff and tan and get her back.

Stay positive, you control your level of happiness.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[mudrox]

no kids. I tended to come home and veg out on the couch the past year or so. I did not really invest in my marriage by doing the little things she liked to do together. I would ask her the basic questions, but did not really go in depth with her about her day, dreams, etc. I thought i had already known them all and was good. When i say communication was not good, we did not really argue well together so i would avoid issues of confrontation. sex life (pretty bland), i did not really attempt to spend much time with her after i got home from work as i was physically exhausted or had other things I wanted to do. She would only bring up issues after she got boiling mad and would just scream, so i didn't really pay attention to them as she yelled them to me. I did take her on a few excellent trips the past year, but not a lot in between and like i said i was gone quite a bit the past 6 months on weekends and what not.

I tended to keep myself emotionally detached due to stress in my life and didn't really express myself until after the affair was discovered.

[mudrox]

i am in individually counseling as well as becoming more involved in church. i started a new job with normal hours and began working out again. spending time with friends and talking with family daily. trying to gal.

[MrBond]

And are you really serious about trying to save your M? it seems like you weren't really interested in the past.

[mudrox]

Yeah I am desperately trying to save my marriage. i am not sure how to communicate more the issues. my w has not said a word about what i have done wrong to make her fall out of love with me. the only information i have gotten is from her mom and what i have inferred.

we got married at 23. met in college her senior year and dated for two years before we were married

1. spiritually she has always wanted me to lead her in prayer, desire to attend church, become involved in church activities. I really have done little in the past except attend church. I know she always wanted me to lead in this area, but i never did.
we attend a contemporary church that is large, and i always felt nervous as i grew up in a small traditional church.
my family is quiet about religion although active in chruch
All her siblings and parents are very active and I was more backseat and noncommittal. Since the A I have attended church on my own, met with a marriage mentor couple and have sought out advice, and communicated with the pastor. I have done all this for myself to become a better person, but also I had done some of this b/c of w. I did complete two books the love dare and playing hurt in the past 4 months as well.we used to read books together about relationships and how to build them, but i stopped about five years ago (read more)

2. expression of feelings. when we dated i was very affectionate-holding hands, telling her i loved her, doing the little things like surprising her with dates, gifts, affection. Five years ago my family was involved in a real bad accident and i began to shut down emotionally.i did not do those little things hardly ever. I know she told her f that i changed after the accident(mom and grandma died brother and dad suffered life long injuries) this was 5 years ago. i never sought out counseling for this. w had me go to counseling with her 3 years ago for a few sessions, but we stopped going (she was dealing with depression/anxiety)-runs in her family)due to the injuries i never really analyzed how it affected me and in turn did not notice how i stopped doing the little things for her.

3. i began to chew tobacco and she caught me about 3 years ago- i have hidden it from her for almost 5 years, i did stop 4 months ago- but started up again over a month ago due to stress. w told her f that i drink too much too. while i am not perfect i honestly do not have a drinking problem. i did get drunk once and drive in the past few years- about 6 mon ago) but have not since, and everyone would attest to the fact i do not drink heavily.

4. arguments- my counselor has broken down some of my issues and believes i have ptsd symptoms-as a result of my families injuries/deaths and now the affair as well. during arguments i would throw things (not at her and but did swear at her) she was not 100 innocent as i allowed her to provoke me by slamming doors and not talking to me. the last time i saw her i swore and literally tossed a book on the bed towards her. i would repress any issues i had with her, and sometimes would just sleep on the couch if i felt she had neglected my needs.

5. money- she always works hard, but i have had a hard time getting a full time job out of college. i worked nights and crazy hours at a non profit for our whole m, until recently when i got a new job with normal hours (she does not know about this yet) I tried to become a teacher and worked really had, but it was not in the cards. therefore we are in our late 20s without a house or kids (not uncommon i know) We have not been able to go on many vacations or spend a ton of time together like we did when we were dating as a result. mostly sundays. i also helped on our family farm which took me away for quite a few weekends each spring summer and fall. she comes from a non farming family which has been a hard transition for her.

i have also been caught with porn before we were married and she has had an inkling i have kept up the habit-which is true- not everyday, but on a regular basis. i stopped after i found the a. this led me to not view her has the most important and beautiful woman she is.

i know i am at fault for many of our issues-i have forgiven myself for all my mistakes-and i realize it takes two for us to get to this point. she has not been perfect.

as she has never been a real social person ( has one close friend) she has not liked to socialize with friends. i have tried to get her out more, but its few and far between. often times i went out with her blessing by myself. when we would go out with friends she always wanted to be home early and when we spent time with my family she did not want to stay all day as she wanted to be home at a decent hour. the role was reversed for her family as we would spend all day with them-i never complained.