Ok im going to try and be as detailed as possible, so I apologize for how long this may be.
8 months ago my wife and I separated. Here's a short summary of why... she cheated on me because I was traveling at the beginning of our marriage, we got past it and had a son. Two years after the birth, cheated again, because she felt neglected during the pregnancy, which I admit I was not the best when it came to being loving during that time. I found the emails, pictures, and convo about it all, I snapped that night, I threw the pictures at her and she got in my face and I head butt her. We somehow got past it. 1 year later, she deployed overseas for 3 months, one month in, stopped talking to me, the day she returned to the states, our sons birthday, she didn't call either of us, instead she stayed in a hotel room with a guy she met. We separated for 7 months. I went back to st louis, moved on briefly but missed the family, she begged to have me back, so I did. Fast forward 2.5 more years, she is now out of the military, I took a promotion, we have had no infidelity problems, but I couldn't forgive... the love drifted, I neglected her, when she left to visit family we decided to separate again. This time we actually filed with the court...
Now onto the separation...
The first 2 months were super spiteful, she had my son and refused to let me see him, threatened me with her attorney, said I'm abusive, I just wanted my son back. So I got an attorney, we went to court...only to find out she didn't have an attorney, I felt horrible. I got full temporary custody because she refused to move back to the state. Now after this I keep the communication up with them. I took him to her, 11 hours away, where he stayed for a month, then brought him back to start 1st grade. Im missing her at this point, being a single father all alone 11 hours from family and friends is very eye opening. I start accepting Christ. I have found a way to truly forgive, but I still miss her. She finally starts communicating with me a few months ago, but refuses to reconcile. This weekend she came down to visit. Slept on the couch...
Now for her visit...
She got here late Friday night, talked for a bit, went to sleep, refused to sleep in the bed. The next day we all hung out, had a great time. She and I had a brief upsetting in the car, I mentioned taking my son to the carnival next month, she mentioned she was going to a Rams game with friends. I said "which friends?", her response, "none of your business". I said "I know you want to show me you're moving on, but I don't want to hear about your dates." Ten more minutes of awkward driving, I stop at our destination, wine store to get wine, she stops me and to my complete shock... apologizes for upsetting me... So anyway, we get home, put our son to bed, and we drink the bottle, talk like we are dating again for 2 hours, holding hands, kissing, then sex. Tells me "it doesn't mean we're getting back together", goes and sleeps on the couch. The next day was to the beach, some hand holding, one or two kisses, but a lot of pushing away at night when we were watching a movie. Next morning, boys at school, we have sex, she showers, comes out as I'm leaving the room, grabs my arm and kisses me on the cheek. I ask "why?" She says "that is for the beach yesterday." A lot of hand holding this day, a lot of kissing, a lot of cuddling at night. Gets upset and pushes away once at night, then comes over ten minutes later to tell me, "you never kissed me like this when I was here," starts to almost cry, stops herself, says she's going to bed, kiss good night. The next morning, she's leaving, no sex, no hand holding, no kissing, just... cold hearted. Hugs me passionately before getting in the car, kisses me good bye, says we can talk more. Texts me when she got home, saying she got home. I said "have a great nights rest." Next morning I text," good morning, hope you had fun, we miss you, have a good day." No response. I text that night, "do you want to talk to our son tomorrow night?" Texts back, "that's fine." I ask, are you ok?" She texts back,"yeah, just tired." I said "get some rest and ill text you in the morning ." No response. Now today, I send a good morning text, no response.
So...what's going on here...
PS. Also discovered she has an account on Plenty of Fish
I'm going to approach your situation differently than most because you said you "started to accept Christ." I'm not completely sure what you meant by this statement but because this value system was important enough to mention in your post I want to give it proper respect.
When most people say they have "accepted Christ" they are referencing a born-again religious belief. Is this your case? If so, I strongly recommend you go to your church and schedule Christian counseling sessions with the pastoral services. This will be free.
The counseling services will help you define your role as a husband and help you move passed (the justified) anger and resentment you feel about your wife's betrayal when she engaged in infidelity.
Feelings of hurt, rage and even despair are normal when a spouse has broken marriage vows. It is even more overwhelming when a spouse brings a third party into the marriage.
As the LBS you are left in a state of bewilderment. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? And, more importantly, how can I make my spouse understand how much they hurt me? They betrayed my trust. What they did to me was epic! They didn't just take away my ability to trust them---they took away my ability to trust myself because I trusted my spouse while they were betraying me.
In your case, I might be able to give you good news. The born-again Christian belief system states the role of a husband is to love his wife as "Christ loved the Church."
It sounds as if love your wive very much despite her betrayal. Your difficulty appears to be how you can (justifiability) move passed your anger and hurt.
Again, this is where I think pastoral counseling might help. They should be able to give you tools to help set boundaries when dealing with your wife while communicating your love for her.
I also want to say that I am very sorry about your wife's infidelity. This is a very difficult issue to deal with in a marriage.
I know you desperately seek someone to explain this behavior and then give you a step-by-step guide on dealing with her so she will recognize how destructive she is. Then you want her to have remorse and then change her behavior so your family can be saved.
It is maddening when a spouse disposes of your life so recklessly.
I liken it to dealing with a child who is having a temper tantrum. Each child's temper tantrum is different because children learn how to illicit a response from their parent based on previous interaction.
Your wife's behavior today is based on the relationship you built and the way you both interacted up to this point. My best advise to you is if you want help, when posting, you need to be as honest as possible about what you are doing and how she is reacting.
Remember people on this forum are committed to saving your marriage.
