I wrote out a letter which I have ready to give her. Just haven't yet. I've not made any promises or even asked for forgiveness.
To an extent its just a list of what I think I've done wrong. Which maybe not so great. Maybe its just the way I've been raised but I always have had the belief that if you've done wrong then the path to forgiveness has to include a genuine apology.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I have to say its been a rough day (though nothing compared to some of the days sone of you good people have gone through). She went to work looking the best she has in ages - she made a real effort. Then was friendly when she got home but at the same time managed to be cold as ice - it was like I was just a coworker.
Its really hitting hard just what a great thing I screwed up.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Right now, every single THING about her affects you directly. You are enmeshed. If she looks good, you read into it. If she looks bad, you wonder why. And she knows. Believe me, she knows. Start trying to be ambivalent regardless.
I know you want to apologize. But are you apologizing because it is the right thing to do, or because you want to be forgiven? You haven't addressed the behaviors that MrBond and 25years have pointed out to you more than once. You are not ready to begin piecing this back together yet, because you must work on yourself, a ton. I say this because I'm living it. EVERY MINUTE.
Drag that list out and pick two things (two of the hardest/toughest things for you to change) on the list. What are you going to do TODAY to make a change in those areas. Once you have owned those changes, maybe you can apologize, and request forgiveness for those things. But I would move on to two more and really internalize the changes necessary to address those problems as well before even considering it.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
The thing I need to do more than anything else is detach. Finding that really hard to do, especially when she is now making the effort to look her best.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Doing some reading last night and came across something which made me think about how i got here and what i need to do. I thought I'd share.
'You can only control yourself, to control yourself you have to control your fears, to control your fears you have to face your fears otherwise they will control you'
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim: that's the ticket. Focus now on what you need to change about you. Do the work. Have you picked out some things to really work on and internalize? What are they?
Hey, and thanks for being in my corner, too.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
You're welcome. Personally I'm finding these boards a real source of help, support and hope (general big thanks to all).
Picked out a few things to work on but the first three I think I really need to work on internalising right away are: - I have no right to be jealous, she is no longer my W in her eyes. My jealousy and how I gave into it has been part of what has pushed her away and therefore it cannot be part of the solution. I have to let it go. - My feeling hurt is never a good enough reason to not show the people I love that I love them and that starts with listening to them. - whatever wrongs I feel I have suffered hurt less than the realisation of how I have let my wife down and what that now means. I HAVE to lose the scorecard and let my grievances and the resentment that goes with them go
I haven't exactly figured out how but when I can really and fully accept these to point where its who i am rather than what im telling myself then I know I'll be on the right path.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, you are correct. Everyone must face their fears. the fear of rejection, acceptance, approval... I'm still trying to find where my fears came from. We all learn more by listening than by talking.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
