Been with my husband for 33 years, 29 married. He moved out in June saying he needed to see if this caused him to miss me - he gave the ILYBINILWY speech. We have 2 daughters, one out on her own and one is a senior in high school. He is dating but says nothing serious. I am devastated and can barely function. Crying daily, shaking with fear and panicking about the future. We basically have no contact except maybe for a little while once per week when he comes over to see daughter. When he goes to leave, I fall apart and cry when we hug goodbye. I know this is not helpful and have read all of the info about not being needy, giving space, etc. but I honestly feel i can't cope at times. I already take antidepressants. Logically, I understand about GAL and all of that but I am finding it impossible to do. I need support from people on this site. I have also just started attending a DivorceCare group at a church. Please, please help me. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
We have all, in one way or another, been in your spot dgb. Read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy, and realize that you are not alone. Post often. We will get to you.
Breathe!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I am devastated and can barely function. Crying daily, shaking with fear and panicking about the future.
DGB, you are going to be OK. Really, you will. Much of my initial reaction was fear-based, so I listed all the things I was fearful about and tried to address them. Afraid of being lonely? Get out there and GAL. Afraid of finances? Start to take a good hard look at what your assets, income, and expenses are. Afraid of the legal process? See a L to find out how you'd fare if it became necessary. I have seen two. Are there other things? There are ways to deal with them. Fear can keep you in the corner if you don't face it head on.
Do you need to be home when your H comes over to see D? Try going somewhere instead, even if it's an errand. That avoids the scene when he leaves.
Read lots of threads here on the boards. You'll find some that seem uncannily similar to yours. You'll find some that you'll kiss the ground you are not experiencing. Both will help you.
Post a lot and you'll get good input from wise people (I'm not one of them! Ha!)
Reading DB/DR is, of course, critical.
But above all, please believe that you will, in fact, be OK.
Reading DB and DR. Prior to getting info about DBing, I signed H and I up for a 4-day Christian marriage intensive retreat. 4 other couples will be attending. H agreed to go to this after bomb drop a few months ago and I think it's probably just so he can say he tried. He said he would attend if there were no expectations put upon him. I agreed asking that he simply be open to the experience. I am scared now because DB says not to talk about the R. Of course the R is the focus at the retreat. Has anyone attended one of these marriage intensives?
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Your Coach can help you navigate the retreat issue and will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
3-4 years ago I was almost exactly where you are today. Even our ages are close. You will get through this, it won't be fast but you can come out on the other side even better.
Tell us more about his reasons for leaving if you can.
Why do you think he left?
How was your marriage in the last couple of years?
Nothing is going to change right away, you do have the gift of time. Take care of yourself as best you can and know that you're grieving.
Do you have any interests/hobbies that are yours and yours alone?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
H agreed to go to this after bomb drop a few months ago and I think it's probably just so he can say he tried. He said he would attend if there were no expectations put upon him. I agreed asking that he simply be open to the experience. I am scared now because DB says not to talk about the R. Of course the R is the focus at the retreat. Has anyone attended one of these marriage intensives?
It is unlikely based on what he is saying that they will help. It takes two people to be in a marriage and if you are the only one that is all in, then there is not much that you can DO directly.
Your actions need to now be more counter intuitive.
Sorry to tell you all that but it is the truth.
Protect yourself.
You can only move forward there is no going backwards and forward may not seem like the direction to move but it is the correct path.
