_________________________ M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 No D filed
I'm gonna get there. I'm so close, I can SMELL IT!!!! Bring on the bacon, baby.
H is all moved into his apartment. House closing is on Friday now. That's all I have to say about thaaayyattt. <<< (Forrest Gump voice).
I had a few good cries today. None of them were about H. Hmmmmm. But I released some other chit and now I'm feeling kinda silly. I apologize in advance. And yep, I'm this weird without any alcohol or any other influence of any kind. Sadly. (Ok, Sprite Zero.)
I spent a big chunk of today on me. Did some reading, and some digging. Ok, don't be shocked anyone....but.... It turns out I have some issues. I know, I know..... I hide them well. AND.....lemme just say, this isn't fun. Not even a little. I made some columns on paper, and wrote words and stuff.
So, I have always made this joke that I'm really just a nerd in a cheerleader costume. It describes me quite accurately. Another "costume" I can wear is confidence. I could usually hide behind my work, or a rockin' cute outfit, some sassy shoes and a big smile.... But inside? Yyyeeeaaahhhh....... I'm pretty hard on myself.
I can't believe no one here picked up on that.....sheesh. (That observation may be in a previous thread, or four....)
uR, I can imagine the face you just made...
Well, I think I lost that costume. I left it at the last performance or something. I am rarely confident anymore, and it scares me because I can't find it when I need it now. Like at the concession booth the other night... It was an out-of-body feeling. I just stood there, as if I didn't know how to put nacho chips in a tray. Too shy to step in. I seriously needed an invitation to the stainless steel counter. Who was I? No one I recognize. But I paid attention to the feeling, and the words I was telling myself....ooooh.
I have not been gentle with myself over the years, it turns out. So, now I go into this needy little girl thing....not loud-needy but internally needy, still....ew. And then, to top it off, I can beat myself up about being insecure. Oh, yes, depending on the environment, I can shift my little transactional-analysis self as needed..... But lately, it seems most of my "adult" ego is being stifled by the critical parent, and now my adapted child has taken over everyone else. (Except tonight, I'm all free child )
So, I decided to write down those feeling from the other night, and the words I told myself. I have a self esteem book, and the end of each chapter has an exercise thingy to try. I thought, how bad can this be? So I made 4 columns, and labeled them at the top, 1. Positive. 2. Negative. 3. Feelings. 4. Person.
Then I had to list 5-10 experiences growing up, fill in the appropriate columns, and read it. I looked for patterns, possible ways I see myself, yada, yada...all kinds of stuff...too much to list here, but I'm sure you get my drift. Doesn't seem like it would be hard, does it?
Well, let me tell you. Looking at that paper, thinking back, connecting some things... I got up and left the table a time or two, and RAN away from that list. Like a little kid, lol.... It was as if the paper I wrote on was judging me. <<<< that's me being an uncomfortable lunatic.
I don't have any idea whether this will have anything to do with my M with H. I'm starting to see where it doesn't matter. Going forward, for me, I'm using this so-called "GIFT OF TIME" to the best I can. Cuz I ain't doing this again.
I had only explored a fraction of the questions you had listed. (Of course thinking I had dug soooo deeeeep already....haha). As I read them, my head was thinking, "Oohhh!" "Yeah, that, too! Oh!! " "Wwwwooooooaaahhhhhh.....!" And then there were a few pouting resistance fits with a few others. This really is difficult. I know you know..... I thought I knew....but I'm just tapping into the topsoil and it's scary.
Ok, T, so, the "When?" part.... Please help me understand?
Is it referring to, for example, when to decide to change? Or when to take action? Or is it more of a scheduling it into your day thing....
You know, when I clean my closet, I remove it all until my closet is empty. Then I lay everything out all over the floor, and sort it. There are easy to throw away things. There are maybes. Then the keep pile. I go through that, and decide what I really need, and what I maybe don't need, but it has meaning and isn't taking more space than it's worth. Then, I neatly put the important stuff back in... That what this process feels like.
Usually I have a box of a few "undecided leftovers" that keep getting put back in the closet in a pile I never sort, and never use.
Also, my clean closet only lasts a few months, and I gotta do it all again.... Hmmm.
I would say to myself, "I want to change "X", but right now I have too much going on with life and and I am focusing on working on "Q", "R", and "V" atm, those are my immediate priorities, so I will look at "X" in 3 months. Because then I will have time to do this, this and that to make it happen"
Sometimes life will determine the "when"...I wanted to backpack more, but it was winter, I had to wait until summer. Or a work project was consuming too much mental space, but it was ending in 3 weeks, then I would have bandwidth to work on "X".
Kinda make sense? Hope I am...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Aaahhhh.... Yep, that makes perfect sense now. Thank you...
It's a way to triage, be accountable, and stay on track. Especially if it's on a calendar, it falls into the "Smart" goal structure, and not so easy to sweep under the rug and avoid.
I'm pretty sure my broom is bigger than my shovel.
That was really helpful....this is kind of exciting. It will be, anyway.
I agree, we'd definitely have fun hanging out, uR.
I don't even know what your face looks like, but I had a clear image of that moment:)
Soooo.... Trying to get it sorted and fixed and done.<<<<<< that would be me getting ahead of myself again, not having patience, and wanting to sprint, because I think the pain will be gone quicker. I'm sure you were wondering....lol.
>sigh< Since the whole closet at once isn't going to work, I'll throw out my top 2... As I see them today:
1. Boundaries- to me this is tied in with my low self-esteem and self worth, idk tho 2. Acceptance- because I avoid and deny, and fear
Not sure if I had the fear/acceptance one reversed.... I'm still wondering how that works, but I think they often accompany each other....like the chicken and the egg, not sure which came first. Oops.... No. I'm not back spacing and editing because I want you to know I just realized it was fear first. As I typed this.
) 
