Getting Started - Little Questions - Noob

[Telk]

So I have me a DB coach and I am underway. I read lot of post and searched before posting. Lot of material and found good stuff. I actually feel I might be in better place than I thought with my W.

W had an A but claims committed to working things out as we have 4 small children. She does not currently want out of M or want to separate. That is good thing. Although she is emotional already out it seems some days. My problem is she is still making contact with OW secretly but my DB coach said to ignore that for now and work on me.

What is tough is she still shows some love toward me and 1 time did tell me she loves me but it is almost like the OW is an addiction she knows is wrong but cant kick.

I did the chasing/begging and spying thing and realize that really made things worse. This has made lot of tension plus me trying to get her to admit to these secret meeting and contact. Done with that to best of my abilities.

Now some questions I just did not think to ask DB coach. I am not to tell her I love her, got that. What if she tells me she loves me? How to respond to that? In mornings I leave while everyone still in bed and I usually tell her bye and I love her. This morning I did tell her bye but did not say I love you. Her response was do you want me to make you some coffee. Positive there maybe. Do I tell her bye? I guess thing I am learning is when to cut off vs staying in positive communication. If I think like she is my sister idea I would not have woke her up. I do not see a negative but I also know I got to wing myself off her so not to be clingy.

Also how to deal with fact W is still contacting OW and I just have to ignore it. Read some of other people post. Glad I found this place. I did read DR. Just working to put in action.

Sorry if I screwed up abbreviations or missed some. Learning.

[Telk]

bump

[bdub]

are you going to be ok living in an open marriage?
some here are going to tell you to ignore OM, some are going to tell you to confront the A.

The biggest challenge I faced was setting boundaries. It is very difficult to do and can be very confusing. read up on it, study it and practice it. Then you have to decide what boundaries you need to set to protect you and your kids.

Detaching is important too.
Hope a vet comes along soon to provide better insight for you!

[Telk]

Thanks bdub for your response.

I have confronted the A. I thought all was well and things changed for good. Things were going well then I could sense W pulling away and disconnect. I knew something was up and then I found out last week that she has made contact again with OW. I am guilty of all the spying and monitoring.

I dont want an open marriage by no means. I am just in state where I am confused b/c I want to protect my kids. Yes I want the W too but I understand what your saying.

My confusion comes from she claims to want to work things out or at least few weeks ago she did and even willing to go to a marriage retreat. However this A is like a drug to her. So I look at it as she has an addiction and I want to help her. Maybe that is my in-denial and fog I am seeing.

[bdub]

She is cake eating. She gets her emotional needs from OM and her security, comfort and help with her issues from you.

You WAW is in the fog, not you. She will lie, cheat, steal manipulate and deceive. The A is a drug. She is addicted.

There are 2 sides to the snooping and spying debate. I personally land on the side of gathering intel. Many, many, many others do not. Snooping can drive her away and make you crazy. If you are strong enough to handle it, and dont try to use what you find against her, I have found that having that intel is very valuable. Again, i hope a vet or 2 will swing by and help you better than I have.

[SunnyB]

My problem is she is still making contact with OW secretly but my DB coach said to ignore that for now and work on me.

Telk, here's my opinion. Please understand that I'm not a vet, I'm relatively new and stumbling myself, but I do have an opinion. Listen to the coach. He/she didn't say you have to live in an open M forever, but advised ignoring it for now. For the sake of your kids, look over this for a little longer and take the time to assess what exactly YOU need to be working on. You may get to a point that the A is a deal-breaker for you, but that doesn't have to be decided right now. Focus on you.

[Telk]

Ok so I will hold on that stuff until I talk to coach about that part.


However on the little things on how do I react around wife. I dont understand the detach but still be involved. I get I cant be clingy but once kids are tucked in do I watch tv with her or do I go off and do my own thing. I guess that is my confusing part is W still does want to do somethings with me. Our communication is just bad and there is that uneasiness on my side due to the A. Do I send her txt in middle of say to just check on her or is that clingy? Do I attempt for a hug and kiss when I leave and come home or is that clingy? Just little things I dont know currently.

[bdub]

detached means that you dont let her emotions control your emotions. In other words, when she is all happy and giddy, you cannot start asking yourself : is she happy and giddy because shes talking with OM. You dont have to stop caring, you have to stop caring so much. For me, detaching became easier once I recognized my anger with how I was being treated. Then, I started distancing myself more and more, physically and emotionally. I started thinking of her as the neighbor down the street, and occasionally I let myself think of her as my W of 15 yrs that was carrying on an affair and skipping out on her kids activities and choosing the A over involvment in their lives.
Slowly, and I mean SLOWLY you will detach. It comes and goes in fits and spurts. However, if you work at it, you will eventually detach enough that you can be calm, warm, friendly and decent; all while not having expectations, and not being tempted to dive back into the R.

[Wonka]

Hiya, Telk.

Saw your comments in Jay's thread and saw that you faced with similar sitch as your wife is involved with OW. (Dub...please note that this is not OM, but OW).

Whew. Not easy. Treat it as any affair here regardless of gender.

Detachment means treating your spouse like a friendly neighbor. You are not sucked in by their moods. I know, I know. Easier said than done.

-Do not kiss her.
-Do not try to touch her.
-Do not say "ILY" to her.
-Do not hug her.

If she initiates, then you can respond accordingly. Don't be clingy, mushy, or pursuing-mode. All of that needs to stop now. Step back and engage in GAL activities for your own good.

Take the kids out and do fun stuff with them.

I'll keep an eye out for you here...you're encouraged to post in other threads that resonates with you to drive traffic back to your thread. You do make great cyber friends here.

Sorry that you're in this circumstance, but you will not find a better support system elsewhere than such awesome group of people right here!

[Telk]

Thanks Wonka. I never realized I could get so attached to W. I guess it happens when you realize the possibility of losing them you really start to tighten grip.